Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Question-Any good basic advice for me?

Thanks all for your advice! I have been trying to act happy, get a life, and when I lost my temper yesterday, calmed down as soon as I could. More questions: My husband is acting weird; drinking vats of coffee & diet coke, sleeping 5-7 hours instead of his old 8. He woke up in the middle of the night last night couldn't sleep; constantly emails her, calls her, sees her I think almost every day (she is a married woman with kids also). He is a "sober" addict and attends AA weekly, but has had a string of sports addictions instead for the past 20 years: running, triathlons, kayaking, billiards, etc, and I think this girlfriend is another addiction in the list, though he says he is in love with her. How does that affect DB'ing? Will the affair last shorter (burn itself out quicker) or last longer (forever) do you think? And my husband's weird behavior any ideas on that? Thanks for any and all advice!!!

Karen -

You need to learn to stop analyzing the situation. Stop trying to predict the future. I am not without empathy, as I (and most others here) have been there myself. I remember asking the same questions: What if...? How long....? Where do...? Why does...?

You cannot control your husband's behavior, so stop concerning yourself with it. As I have said to another DBer (and myself): You gotta let 'em be idiots. Free him to his own stupidity.

This is not easy work. As I said on my earlier post, this DBing business is not for weak people. I know you can do it. Continue to visit and post. Read other threads as well. You are doing well so far. Keep it up.

Typical behavior for someone caught up in the heady emotions of a romantic relationship in its earlier phases. Huge endorphine overload, lots of adrenaline -- it creates obsessive, addictive behaviors.

Remember the over-the-top sensations you get with the "in love" feeling? This is it -- and this is what it looks like to outside observers. It appears insane to us, but to them, they see absolutely no downside.

The technical term is, I believe, called "Limmerance".

Couple that with a possible MLC, and your spouse is tripping on all sorts of abnormal, though naturally occurring, brain chemicals.

Short answer: Yes, it is a form of addiction.

I am sorry. I wish we all did not have to meet under such mutual, troubling circumstances.

Mark is very right. It is best to let it go and focus on yourself and your family. You cannot control what your spouse thinks or does. So work on making yourself happy. This is the best advice anyone can give you regarding this.

Karen,

I think Mark is an excellent guide. Listen to his good words. He's playing this according to the textbook.

I'll make some oberservation from my own experience, but I'll offer you little advice.

The two hardest things you will find to do are:

1. Detatching. Not being a hostage to this situation. Not over-analyzing or getting obssessed by it. Fear and Anger are your greatest enemies. Fear is crippling and unattractive, Anger makes you do stupid things.

2. Getting a life. Being happy, fulfilled independent of your husband. For many of us it's a wake up call to live out our call to adventure. At this point it seems natural to try and "manage" the situation and "make your husband happy". You can only control yourself. This is very hard.

Regarding the affair. It's mostly fueled by endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline. It can last 6-18 mos.

Regarding you husband. He's going to do two things:

1. Re-write the marital history. Everything will seem black in his eyes. He needs to do this to justify the affair.

2. Pour venom on you. He needs to be cruel to you. It's a psychological trick called blaming the victim, which allows the abuser to rationalize their awful behavior. By treating you with contempt he's trying to make you our to be contemptible.

Hopefully, this is not who your husband really is. He's been kidnapped and replaced by an alien.

Karen...there are no guarantees in this.

Statistically, affairs don't last. Statistically, marriages that are the result of an affair don't last.

My prayers are with you.

--Theoden

Thanks again! I will try not to analyze and give up control but that is so hard of course! I have put a call into a local therapist who is supposed to be back in town tomorrow and am planning to ask for ADs which I think I really could use now. My brother is going in for brain surgery this weekend, found out he has a brain tumor right before Christmas.

My husband says he is also going to call the therapist we saw the one time and see him for individual appointments for himself and tell him more of the truth, that the OW is married, etc. Do you think us getting individual counseling will help the situation in any way? He won't do marriage counseling of course. (Yeah, I'm trying to analyze again, I know...)

Karen,

Individual counseling could be a huge help.

It depends on the counselor. If the counselor is a licensed family practice therapist, is up-to-date on the latest research, and had a commitment to helping people heal and reconcile, then this would be a great thing.

Some old-school counselors, unfortunately, are stuck in the 1970's and think that anything that meets the patients "felt needs" for self-actualization is fine. So many marriages in the 70's and 80's broke up because marriage and individual counselors suggested divorce as the best option.

By the way, not having relationship talks, giving him space, and getting a life does NOT mean that you should allow him to violate the most rudimentary boundaries of decency. You can tell him, "Please do not text or call this woman in my presence." DO NOT let fear of losing him paralyze you. You need not be angry, but you musn't lose your self-respect or dignity.

--Theoden

I agree with H4C on his comments, they do this to justify the insanity of what they are doing. We went pumpkin picking with the kids back in October and had a great day. On the ride home my W was cranky as hell. Wouldn't say 2 words. She was fighting the reality of a good time with the family.

We watched 2 movies the other night (W and I) and had a great conversation afterwards. The next morning she told me that we had to tell the kids what was going on because she would soon be ready to move on.

This is SOP for the WAS I think. If they catch themselves feeling good in the relationship that means that what they have been doing is bad. Goodness knows they can't have that!!

Hello,

It is amazing how they switch their thinking in order to justify their actions. Someone said that when you lie and live a lie, it actually becomes the "truth" so they can continue doing mean and evil things in the most absurb circumstances. I also know that when we have good moments they cannot last since my W has changed her thinking and I am the bad one who led her to all this in a way. It is so hard to keep at it, and sometimes one wonders if or where there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

As I say a huge rollercoaster and one is entitled to a few bad days every now and again, and I know how hard it is to keep smiling.

I wish you nothing but the best and nothing but love and happiness.

H

I'm having a really down day, just thinking that our marriage probably is over. He's having an affair, he is wanting a divorce, even if it will not be until October until after we work on and sell our old house. I really don't have any encouraging signs from him like many other posts I read on DB (doesn't want to go to counseling or says he loves me or want sex or anything like that). Yes, we are talking now, we get along great, I'm DB'ing, but he still reminds me he wants a divorce frequently. Should I stick to DB'ing because I still love him, have 2 young kids, and feel that our marriage is worth it (he had the affair partly I think b/c I was depressed for the past several years not a complete excuse but I do think one reason why). Or should I give up? Part of me is hoping the affair will break up before October, but part of me doesn't believe it will and thinks I am being delusional and should just give up. Has anyone else had these feelings and have any advice or just have any advice they could give me? I finally have a therapist appt. set for next Thursday so I am hoping that will help a lot too!

well, think of it this way, what does giving up mean, really? a lot of what DB'ing is about is about GAL, re-discovering yourself, and if possible showing those changes to your spouse (not pointing them out, just actually living them). those are things you should be doing regardless of your marital status, so in that sense, I say don't give up.

if you mean where should your own mind set be, well, that's a harder one. I think you aren't ready to give up until you know inside are truly ready for it, or until you notice you are holding on to the detriment of your own health/well being. its hard to force that issue. so I guess my advice would be to do what you can do, but do it for YOU. in the end, it will make you a stronger, healthier person. and if, along the way, it happens to attract your spouse back to you, well, that is the bonus.

I'm glad you have a therapist appt. good luck and hope it goes well! mine has been a godsend.