Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

he hasn't show any remorse because he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong, and he's buried his feelings for you so he can live his new fantasy life in la-la land. He is choosing to believe it is better this way and that all will be ok with the world.
I know it hurts hon, but it will take a few mths for his bubble to burst, this infatuatin wont last long, reality will catch up with him sooner or later, in the meantime stay strong and build yourself into a stronger better person, know that you dont' need him to be happy, only then will you be able to keep on going without holding your breath for him. I'm not telling you to give up, I'm telling you to have "plan B" so you don't feel like you can't survive without him.

Stay strong, you are in my prayes))))))

Thank you! This site has been a life saver. I do see improvements in us now that I've been applying the db tactics. Since I haven't brought up OR in a week or so, he doesn't seem as cold when we talk. We can joke and chat sometimes, usually on the phone when he calls. When he picks up/ drops off d3, he usually runs in and run out.

H came by today to pick up d3 for the weekend. H actually called me "babe", when he was asking me for a bag to hold some of d3's clothes. I acted completley oblivious, as not to draw attention to it, but inside I was smiling.

That's one of the most awkward things about all this, him calling me by my first name. He's always called me Babe. I've always called him Papa Bear, Babe or Hon. Since he walked out and dropped the bomb, we've been on a first-name basis, which is just wierd!

H also asked to take the xbox 360. H plays ALOT of video games (he used to play 30+ hours in a week, and buy whatever new games came out every week, even if we could not afford it). When he moved out, he took every console he had (which was alot), but left the xbox 360 because I use it like a dvd player for d3's dvds. H asked to take it, and I said No We use it every day. H offered to replace it with a new dvd player, and I still said No. Dvd players are maybe $50, and it's going to cost him at LEAST $300 for a new xbox 360. H took the harddrive to the 360 though, whatever that is.

Maybe I should just let him have it? I don't want to seem spiteful, but inside, aren't we all just a bit? It was so easy for H to take everything he wanted and just walk out. H tried to take the 42-inch flatscreen tv we bought last year, and this computer, and I wouldn't let him. He doesn't have anywhere to put them since he's at his mom's house, I use the computer because I take my classes online and d3 watches the tv.

H has lot alot of weight, he's working out at the gym alot. He kinda doesn't really look me in the eye when we see each other, it's wierd. And when he does for a bried second, he just doesn't look like him. It's almost like I want to touch his face and say, "it's okay, come back to me. It's safe", but I know I can't and I know it won't help anything. He looks like he's in very deep denial about something.

Conincidently, my horoscope today said,

"You may appear more scattered than you truly are, yet others can appreciate your current need for independence. Instead of criticizing you or assuming that your life is unstable, they can see how you come alive when you are free from the judgment. Don't wait for the door to close; take the opportunity while it is yours."

And H's horoscope said,

"You may be tiring of the games you need to play in order to keep the spark of a relationship alive now. Fortunately, there is light ahead and you can see that your efforts to rekindle love have a good chance of paying off. But make sure you remain flexible, for a romantic dance can take a variety of forms over the days and weeks ahead."

Of course, I don't put too much trust in the validity of the myspace.com horoscopes, but it seemed like a nice sign.

Thank you, cat, for everything. You've been my DB Lifesaver!!

He kinda doesn't really look me in the eye when we see each other, it's wierd.
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because guilt is eating him already. On the outside he's trying to look confident and smug and enjoying his new "freedom" but when the ow isn't around and he's alone his unhappiness catches up with him.

He took the freaking car, dont' feel too bad about the xbox. Now, I don't advocate being spiteful, but he just can't come to your place and help himself to his heart's desire.

You are very welcome, I remember when I came to this boards, on all fours and not able to fathom one more day without my H, but I lasted 8 months, and not that it has been perfect since he's been back, but I have become a much much better person because of these trials, I grew so much and I wouldn't take that back for the world.

I can't imagine going through this for 8 months. After the first week, my friends & family were telling me to get over it and move on. It's been a month (exactly one month on Saturday), and it's just so disheartening. He seems so far away. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

I have to admit, I have grown since he's left. I bought a car, so I don't have to rearrange everything around his crazy graveyard schedule. I can take d3 to the park/ zoo/ pet store/ friends house/ mall w/o him being grumpy about being stuck at home w/o wheels. Money wise, it's real tight but I don't have to worry about him spending excessively. In fact, I can actually afford to buy myself a few things for fun, which I could never do before. Even tiny things, I bought a small handmade necklace at a local farmers market for $5. I never would have bought it before b/c H spent so much on himself, it was hard just to be able to pay bills & groceries.

The last month or so before he left, H had so much animosity in him, he's pick fights over anything. About a week into the separation, H admitted that sometimes he was just waiting for me to say/do something so he could jump all over it. There's a certain peace of mind that I have now in my home. Too bad that along with that peace of mind comes loneliness.

I have to ask you, cat. How do you keep that love inside yourself after 8 months? I love my husband unconditionally, and I understand that right now, he's not seeing things clearly. But 8 months is a long time. That's a long time to feel devalued by the man you love. I put my heart and soul into our family, and I want my d3 to grow up with both of her parents. I want him to see us for us again, instead of a burden, instead of a symbol of his responsibilities.

For the 8 months your H was away, did he go through mini-stages? When he spoke of coming home, was it unexpected or were there changes just prior to?

My H was incessantly hostile for the first week, the depressed for a few days, then cold and hostile again. Now he acts like we're just acquaintances who happened to have a kid together and just happened to used to be married.

I know that this is his journey, that he needs this for him. But to know that he's with another woman just kills me. I don't mention her, I don't ask questions. But inside, I ache. The aching is getting better, it doesn't consume me and my thoughts like it did at first.
Thanks again

The weekends are the hardest. No H, no d3. I am getting out more, and the loneliness isn't as bad as it was in the beginning.

It just seems so permanent. I hope H comes back to me, comes back to our marriage, but deep down I feel as if he has shut the door to our marriage.

I went and got a cute haircut today. Very DB!
I've had this gift card to the mall since Xmas, so I went today and shopped a bit.
I started chatting with a guy my age there, and he walked me to my car. He asked me for my number, which I gave him.
He called later, and asked me out, and I said maybe another night. He knows I'm a mom, he knows I'm separated.
Should I go out with him? If only for the sake of getting out of the house and having a few (much needed) laughs?
Or is that just the kiss of death for my marriage?

Part of me thinks, well H is out dating and having sex and whatnot. Me going out on one or two dates isn't that bad. But then another part of me thinks, if I go out with this guy, that's just like sealing the deal on our divorce. And I'm not ready to do that yet.

Any thoughts??

H dropped off d3 today, He had given her a bath, but he hadn't washed any of her clothes. H was carrying a bag of clothes that just reeked of pee. H said he didn't have time to wash them.

Ugh, and as soon as he walked through the door, he was telling me how he went to this bar over the weekend and how much fun he had. i nonchalantly said, "Oh, that sounds like fun." and changed the subject.

Why would I want to hear about how much fun he was having with OW?

Hon, here I am, with H still lying and seein ow (long story, was supposed to break up w/her but didnt) and still, I love him. Throughout the S my heart just never stopped, I didn't do anything to keep the love in there, it just lived on...

My other rule, which helped lots, was to watch whom I told about H and the S. My family didn't know, or WW3 would've erupted, I would've gotten the "leave that jerk!' like you. Family members care for you but give lousy advice, it is so easy to try to end your pain by telling you to forget him and move on. I only told my cousin who went through the same thing & understood why I was still fighting. So, careful what you say and who you say it to.


Yes, anger, aloofness, half friendly, neutral, by the 6mth we went out for V day, and was telling me he had "one foot in", then (me notknowing) ow broke it off (the bubble burst), and he was alone for amonth and then one day he just wanted back.


be very, VERY careful, even if he knows you r separated and a mom wont' mean he won't put the moves on you, you are very vulnerable now, and maybe it is a good idea not to get close to him, he must know upfront that you are fighting for your M and not ready for any kind of R other than friends, if you suspect he wants more, you must break it off. Sure, your h is out there making an ass of himself, that doesnt' mean that u will too. You might end up in an emotional affair (i connected with this guy online "as friends", when he decided not to contact me anymore I was very sad and missed him way too much, and I never meet him!).


he's just not being sensitive or he's pushing your buttons, you passed the test w/flying colors. Sometimes WAS try to do this, to push our buttons to "remind" themselves why they left and to condone their erroneous ways.
Stay strong and keep up the good work)))))))))))))

[quote=cat03]

That was how I felt when he was saying it! I felt like he was purposely baiting me, trying to see if I would take the bait or not. It was just so d@mned insensitive.

I know it's bitter, and it goes against everything I've read here, but it just breaks my heart that he seems so blissfully happy, so carefree. I'm sure it's not like that all the time, but to think of all the anguish I've been through, and then to picture him out having fun at bars & clubs, him with OW- having sex, laughing, spending time at his mom's house, and just being all infatuated ... it kills me.

That's MY husband. I bore his daughter, I gave all I had to be his wife and the mother of his child. yet, I'm left holding all the responsibilities of our household, and he's out living the good life. No bills, no childcare responsibilities..... no responsibilities as father & husband, period. No remorse. No loyalty. No love and affection. At least, that's what he's shown me.

Every day that passes, it gets a little easier. It hurts a little less. I find myself more and more. Yet, I feel him farther and farther away. I find myself wanting him less and less. I love him, I love his soul and I love the man I know he is. But where is he? Where is that man who promised to honor and cherish me?

he's out having sex with his 37 year old OW.

but it just breaks my heart that he seems so blissfully happy, so carefree
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correct, he SEEMS, and for a while he's having a good time, when the day is over and no ow is around, he sinks deeper in despair, it just does not seem that way.

Are you in speaking terms w his mom? why is she allowing this? I know my H's mom wouldnt' let him move in so H had to finance a way to get a place & be responsible. Check with child services how much he ought to pay you , there might even be a tool online or a place you can call, your H needs to own up to his duties.

I know how hard this is honey, you need to plan in case he never comes back, limbo is sickening, when possible please talk to a T, it will help you cope with the months to come.