Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My marriage is hopeless VI I

Hello, Scott,

I cannot begin to express how very sorry I am for you and your family. It's so not fair to you and your children, and you fought so hard to do what is right. At least you can take some comfort in knowing you are greatly admired for your efforts.

I hope to continue to hear from you, how you and your DD's are doing.

God bless.

Scott,

It breaks my heart to see this. I always had hoped your wife would come to her senses, but it seems like time has run out.

You are a great father and wonderful man and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. In the end, just like me, you gave it everything you had...it just wasn't enough. Things do happen for a reason and in 10 years, maybe you and I will look back on this and all we can hope is that it all makes sense then.

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to email. I have been extremely busy with work and studying. Please email me if you need to vent. You have been there for me through some of my worst times and all I can do is offer the same.

Take care of yourself.

Yoyo, NCB, Hope,.... thanks for the encouraging words..

Hope, how did the test go?

Friday after the settlement meeting I picked up my girls and had them for the weekend. My X-MIL watched my DD's for me, she seemed to not want this D as much as I did not want it. In fact when I dropped my girls off at her house that morning my MIL couldn't talk to me without crying. I understood how she felt......

Like I mentioned earlier I had my girls this past weekend. Friday night there was a family night at my church so my girls and I went. From there D5 went home to her best friends house for an overnight. D2 and I were able to just hangout and have some one on one time. Saturday we stayed home. Then Sunday we went to church and then to my friends to watch some football.

I did not have my girls Monday, but I did get to spend the evening with them last night. I brought them to the mall to get their pic's taken. I did get a couple with the three of us so I can replace the family pic's that I now have up on my walls. I figure if my girls want a pic of their mom in their room I am fine with that. I will not keep her pic's up around the house and fool myself into thinking this is only a bad dream(wouldn't that be nice if this was just a bad dream....).

Tonight, I am out GAL....actually I am still at work....I am working/waiting for a X-mas party to start, then I will be GAL. Now that I have a set routine for when I will have my girls and when I do not.....I plan on getting a more regular work-out routine going. I gained my appetite back a while ago and need to keep the pounds off in a healthy way.

.....Changing subjects on all of you...... This whole D thing is and the process has been weird...almost surreal. I know that this has happened....but I think life has been so busy that I'm still waiting to be hit with another 2x4 for another round of emotional pain from this D. I don't know...I hate that this has happened...but at the same time I know life will go on....I'm just not sure how it is going to look or who might be in my life in the future. I feel like I am rambling tonight....so I am going to cut myself off.....

Take Care....God Bless,
Scott

Here is a story that I thought I would share with all of you to see how you feel about this sitch....

A good friend of mine the other night got a phone call from his MIL. It was about his FIL and he was in the hospital. His MIL told him that his FIL was on his death bed and did not have much life left in him. This was something that came about suddenly, so it is somewhat shocking to the family. Now why am I sharing this story with all of you.....well keep reading......

So my friend and his W went to the hospital to spend time with his MIL and FIL. Now one piece of information that I should point out is that my friends FIL was despised by his W and children. I have had conversations with my friends W and the very mention of her Dad just makes her blood boil. You see her Dad has been involved with another woman for over 20yrs. In fact, as crazy as this sounds its true, the OW tried to go to the funeral of the FIL's mother as if she was apart of the family. My friends BIL's did not allow that to happen. Three of them met this lady at the door and made her leave. Telling her that she is not apart the family and to get the heck out of their fathers life because he is married to their mom. Now they all realize that their Dad is a piece of dirt for the way he choose to live his life. Now that he is on his death bed and they are not giving him much more time..... he is trying to apologize to everyone for how he lived and ask for forgiveness, etc......

I know this whole D process has made me a little bitter and I am working on that....but I thought to myself....isn't life convenient for this man. He destroyed his M and his relationship with his children.....Now that he is dying he wants to apologize for everything.

I haven't had a chance to talk to my buddy about it, but I would think that what his FIL is saying has got to sound empty. He lied to the family for years, they became numb to his antics, and did not associate with their Dad. I don't know for sure but forgiveness has got to be hard....I know that they should forgive him and probably already have...but I would have had a hard time with it.

I know probable the wrong attitude to have.... Just thought I would throw that out there for everyone, and to see what you all thought.

Another odd thing, unrelated to the above story, is that my XW wants to meet our girls and I for breakfast Saturday for our kid exchange. Seems a bit weird and possibly confusing for my girls...I am not sure if I should do it or not.

I hope everyone is doing well..

Take Care....God Bless,
Scott

Dear Scott

The first line in the book The Road Less Travelled is "Life is difficult." Most of us cruise through life with nary a problem until we get old and gray. Some of us get exposed to the full spectrum of life's hellstorms all at once. I, like you Scott, suffered a terrible blow to my life...We both suffered the loss of the women that we grew to love and chose to share our lives with. We brought children into the world with them, only to find out that single-handedly, they could take them away from us. As men, we open up the most protected areas of our lives..entrust it to them...and when divorce occurs, the pain is real and raw.

Rejection is a horrible thing, especially when we see things from a different viewpoint as our spouse's do. We see healing..we see change...we saw opportunity...we see preservation of family. Sadly, they do not. For whatever reason it is...and..we should by now stop searching to answer this...they need to run..to abandon what they started...and leave incomplete a promise they made to us years before.

It hurts.

Despite how some of us are treated abysmally, with anger and the rewriting of history, I think it is unfair to them for us to shift total blame on them. By now, we should all know what our contributions were to the demise of our M's. The time spent here, hopefully, was wisely used to obtain that knowledge, learn from it, add it to our new warchest and, become "BetterMen". There is no easy way to say goodbye Scott. I, like you, have the same cherished memories...an idyllic trip to the Swiss Alps....holding our babies together right after their birth....the smell of my wife's hair and shampoo and the warmth of her back against me, at night, sleeping warmly with her. Gone Scott..just like you. You are not alone. No my friend....there are a lot of great guys out there suffering in silence.

So...............

So...............

Scott............what do we do?

Carry anger?
Cuss them out the rest of our lives?
Blame them ad infinitum?

Or go forward?

Scott...I've searched, like you, for the answers...for the whys...for the what ifs. I think there is a point where we just need to let go and forgive them....and go forward with a new life. Sure..it's gonna take some time for me to get there too. Bottom line Scott...you and I have a tremendous legacy to give. To our children. They will need us even more right now. You girls are going to look at you and choose their men based on you. They will also look and learn..thru you...how a woman should be treated by a man. Yeah Scott..me too..my D4...will now watch how we treat our STBXW's.

Are you up for the challenge? It's the ultimate DB 180 I think, especially, in the face of our W's 'march to the sea'...leave burnt embers and smoking lives behind them.

Can you do it Scott?

Can I?

I want to leave you with something I may have printed before Scott. It's a poem by Albert Camus that has give me strength through the years during times of adversity:

Albert Camus



Scott...find your invincible summer. If you look back, I'll be standing right behind you.

I am a better man for having seen you fight to save your family. Don't lose that Scott...don't lose that.

God Bless.
Frank

Faith-

I know your message was meant for Scott, but I wanted to chime in and say what a wonderful message it is. Wow, you bring such hope and inspiration and despite what's going on, things will be okay.....that there's support out there (and here) and that we all need to find our "invincible summer".

Take care-

SueS

Dear Scott,

It has been a long time since I posted to you. I'm sorry to see your sitch has evolved this way. If I recall correctly, there is still OP somewhere around lurking...and he too, has an ex, and children. Lovely.

Just wanted to check in and remind you to two things you may not want to hear now, or ever again, but what the heck....here goes.

First, As I may have said, I've got two relatives who divorced, only to remarry their spouses later, and both said the 2nd time around was better, happier, more profound. How? I was pretty young back then, so I'm going by what they say now, and what I saw then.

Both M's had children, so there was reason for continuing contact, and the LBSers (my aunt was the WAS and my cousin was the LBS h) worked hard to contain their anger in front of the WAS. That didn't always work and I know my cousin said some crappy things to his wife, and God knows what my aunt told my uncle when she left him. After 5 years apart, they met at a family event, had a drink later, and my uncle asked her whether she was any happier and she said no. They resumed their R/M and years later when my uncle passed away, his wife and children were with him at his bedside. My aunt said the 2nd time around was better, less fighting, more loving, holding hands, etc.

My cousin's wife left him after 7-10 years. I know only that they both drank too much, fought too much, etc. They weren't on great terms right after the D, but they stayed in touch due to their kids. They became friends again, and kept it like that for some time. I know there were some OP b/c my cousin dated and I think his ex did as well. But they also stayed friends or "co-parents" and one thing led to another. This particular cousin has been one of the biggest supporters of DBing and believed in my H and I and our M, even when I didn't. Guess it's b/c he's been there, done that, etc.

So my first, not so briefly made point to you Scott, is that even divorces don't always end M's in the long run.

My second comment was 2 part. One, just wanted to express support for how apparently dignified you've been acting and how that is crucial for your daughters,
and your R with them....and who knows? Maybe it'll soften your wife's heart down the road... but it's the daughters and your R's with them that most counts now.
What I most want to say is this: You are modelling how to deal with setbacks and heartbreak and your daughters are watching. They will be deeply hurt someday too. Show them that it's survivable, and that though your pain is deep, it is not fatal and will not be eternal. Grace under fire...

I still believe that no woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her children and their father. It's touching, and melts the coldest hearts. In fact, if I were to date again, the SINGLE most important thing I'd look for in a man would be how he relates to the kids. For most women, it's a deal breaker or deal maker. The few times I met women (as clients) who told me they liked the new men in their lives "Except they [ie the new man] don't get along with the kids..." was ALWAYS a red flag to me and I'd interrupt them and say, "wth are you talking about? How can you possibly say he's a good guy BUT doesn't like your kids?" Etc etc. Most women and most men, get that. Even WAS's... If that isn't true, all I can say is good riddance.

But your wife isn't insane Scott. I remember some of the comments she made at the bomb time and her confusion, justifications, etc. Pretty typical "part MLC, part WAS" and "part unique to her" stuff. But she loves the kids, as you do. And for that, we can be grateful.

Finally, regarding the custody issues... the one thing that is ALWAYS true no matter what state you live in, is this: custody can ALWAYS be modified or changed...just depends on what's in the best interests of the child and if something in the circumstances change, then custody can also. Period. I'm not saying every issue is worth going to court, and you have to distinguish a change in circumstance from a change that YOU or your spouse wants...My brother got a promotion and thought that the increased salary should justify more custody...but he couldn't see that money alone wasn't a change in the KID"S lives, it was a change in HIS life....theoretically could mean a better home, better school, etc and THAT could have meant something for the kids....but the KIDS are the focus. Stability is huge and changes shouldn't be requested lightly. Courts KNOW this more than some parents. I'm amazed at how many WAS want to "move on and start fresh" as if the kids haven't been through enough already. But again, it's about what's best for the kids.

Since I know YOU get this, I want you to keep hope up. You may end up seeing them more than you expect to right now. And when they're older, they'll have much more say in where they go. Don't give up, even now Scott.

Sending you hugs and faith that no matter what, I just know YOU will be alright. You will laugh again, love again, hug again (for real) and you will be happy again. Sooner than you think. Keep in touch, you are not alone. ( BTW, I'm with my h, and I think we're gonna make it. It isn't all perfect or all smoothly worked out, but we are together and he says things I need to hear. Hopefully, I am doing the same for him. I'll post more on that later)
((( j- )))

It has been a long while since I lasted posted.... I would like to say a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone on these boards.

FIB, J(25), I will respond to your two posts seperately....

A lot has happened and a lot has not happened since I last posted. I have been adjusting to my life now as a single Daddy. I have basically been doing it now for the last year... But now there is the dropping off and picking up of my beautiful girls. Along with the going out of my way to stay involved in my girls everyday life. Being an ex-athlete I kind of see this as a challenge...a test...a big game... that I don't plan on failing at... But no matter how well I am prepared or up to the task life is still going to throw curve balls my way.

Right now my girls are upstairs sound asleep in their beds. I cherish the moments that I have with them and look forward to seeing their bright smiling faces. They truly are awesome kids.

Over the last month or so I have been able to spend a lot of time with them. I had the whole first week of the new year with them. We went to an in door water park for a couple of days, went to a museum, and we went sledding, and we just hung out at the house. Right now this divorce is hardest on them. They look forward to being with me, being in their home, being in the bedrooms that they have slept in for years now. It is nice that my house is still their home.

Along with all that I have learned in the last year, I am still learning, and hopefully still becoming a better man and better father for my girls, for myself, and for whomever God leads me to.

I can honestly say that I am at the point where I am actually looking forward to whatever is in front of me. Last year I could not fathom life without my X. Now I have pulled myself together and am seeing that life with or without her is good. Yes, I did not want this D... I still think it was senseless...but it is what it is.... My R with my X did not workout for whatever the reasons maybe. I beat myself up for a longtime blaming myself... I looked for answers.... I looked for a broken R cure... I did not find one.... I did find myself though. I found that I am more the fun loving easy going Scott that I used to be. I find that I am more at easy with my girls. Some people think I am a little nuts doing all the things that I do with my girls. But I am not going to let this D short change my girls...they are to precious for that.

So... now I sit here as a 30yr old divorced Dad of two girls and I am fine with that. Sure things financially are now tighter, sure there is a little more hectic-ness in my life....that is fine. I am doing well and know that life is going to keep moving forward. In 07 my life was torn apart into pieces, I am slowly putting it back together and looking forward to whatever pieces might get put into it.

For all of you out there I encourage you to stand for what you feel is right. Walk with grace and dignity. That is all you can do... You are in-charge of yourself, make sure that you can be proud of who you are no matter how your sitch turns out. Mine did not go as I had hoped....but I am not ashamed of how I handled it...life is moving forward.

I feel kind of silly adding this to this post but oh well. Today, for the first time in a longtime I heard about the actions of my X. Two separate convo's, two separate stories. First one was with my cousin. I called her today to see if our kids could play together and got into a conversation with her about my X. My cousin goes to the church that my X now attends and that is what brought on the conversation. She is now seeing my X for the person that she is, not who she thought her to be. I guess my cousin saw my X walking hand in hand with OM in church the other day. It sounded like my X is still trying to hide her R because when they saw my cousin they dropped hands and quickly walked away from each other. Then my cousin went and described the OM to a T. The crazy thing that I am finding out is that I have worked through my feelings about my X and now others are having too when things like this get thrown their way.

The second convo was with my friend whom I have talked about before.... His STBX used to work with my X and still hangs out with a lot of the nurses from my X's work. I guess a group of them got together this weekend with my friends STBX. One of the topics that came up was that they where happy to hear that I have a girl friend. Now, I am not dating anyone right now. I had to laugh at this one. Not sure where it came from...don't really care either...

Take Care....God Bless,
Scott

Scott,
So great to hear an update from you. You sound like you are doing well given the circumstances. I think it's great that you have such a wonderful relationship with your girls. There's nothing like that Father/Daugther bond.

I am now in the place that you were.. living with my spouse while the divorce is happening. It is the worst possible scenario as far as I'm concerned. But, you survived and I'm sure I will, too. It's scary when you simply start to look forward to it just being final..

Take Care,
LO

Scott,

It is so unbelievable how so many of these nursing professionals, with their reputation for self-sacrifice and care for others, can be just as lowly and jaded in excusing extramarital activities among their peers.

I now know why my W (also an RN) found "Gray's Anatomy" so appealing. Sheesh.

I am so sorry our lives had to turn into such soap operas.

Please keep us informed on how you're doing. God bless and best regards.