Guilt will motivate someone to change his behavior. Shame will motivate someone to hide his behavior, from himself as well as everyone else, and will make it even harder for him to change course.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Call me a pessimist, but it doesn't appear as if you will be improving things until you can get to the root cause of the problem. What is it exactly?
Whats wrong with just saying "going a year without it is just not right, no rational person would put up with this so you either talk to me about it, go to counselling, or else"? I mean, what else can you do?
I was lucky in that our S life improved after the nadir, I'd like to think it was that fact that we did discuss the reasons and at least understand why it occurred. Otherwise I would have been chronically pissed off about it, and my W would not have made any lifestyle changes. I went nowhere until I was able to discuss the reasons. And, I didn't try to force a solution, it happened as a result of her offloading some things that were stressing her out.
You need to hear from him what the problem is. Pin him down on it. Otherwise you are in for a lifetime of excuses.
You made a post somewhere else... can't think of where... lose track... and it caught my attention. It had to do with your 'vulnerability,' and what you can or can't do in said state...
I'd like to ask you something. Remember when you had the car accident... I believe it was while you were preggers... did you and H have sex any time close to that event?
No sex. I would have liked to. Not long after that I asked H about his distance (in a general sense) and he apologized for not really being able to "be there for me" when I had my car accident. I would just spontaneously cry for about a week or two after the accident - the fear, the guilt, the whole thing would just erupt. H would notice and he might come pat my arm and say, "It will be ok" or something but it was like he was doing it from another room. It was one of the last times in recent months that I had the honest urge to reach out and initiate. His distance - well, it didn't help me put myself out there any.
he apologized for not really being able to "be there for me" when I had my car accident. I would just spontaneously cry for about a week or two after the accident - the fear, the guilt, the whole thing would just erupt. H would notice and he might come pat my arm and say, "It will be ok" or something but it was like he was doing it from another room.
This is so yukky. It almost reminds me of the time Mojo's H wouldn't put his arm around her when her dad died... except, in some ways, it's colder.
I am in my head for the simple reason that I never see H, am never alone with H when we are both awake and in fact, never have a chance to talk with him about needing the carpet shampooed or the dry cleaning picked up MUCH LESS to talk about our ahem, sex life when we don't even talk, he rarely kisses me and here we are....
I thought your M was wonderful apart from being sex-starved. My impression was that you and your H made incredibly compatible partners outside of the issue with sex. What you describe in that quote seems a long way from a marriage that's practically perfect except for the lack of sex. I don't notice any companionship at all. You appear willing to have an awful lot of your needs neglected.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
It is like we are good business partners with our best friend. The only "reasons" we aren't seeing each other are very good ones. I am the "night parent" of the baby who still doesn't sleep that well - after putting him down at 8:30pm, I usually hear from him again at 12pm, 2am and 4am (sometimes he skips the 2am) and then my alarm rings at 6am for work and I return home around 6pm to get dinner, do homework with kids, bathe and put kids to bed etc.... H is the "teenager parent" - while I am doing all of that he helps DS16 with AP or Honors everything, hauls him back and forth from scouts and his job and conducts the driving lessons. His wake up time varies becauase of the nature of his work and most nights he is up until midnight or so with DS16 - after they do homework they watch South Park and such. Besides all of that H has accepted a great deal more out of town work than usual and so he travels 2 or three times a month for a couple of day stints. Even if he is in town there are evening trainings for organizations, Board meetings and so forth. I end up trying valiantly to stay up and hang out with H and DS sometimes and inevitably end up asleep on the couch until the baby calls the next time.
We are compatible to the extent that we each do our end and then some. We don't require the other person to pick up slack very much. We are friendly. Unfortunately, the very real lack of time together has fed the disconnection that was already going on.
So, if things are so bad when would you have sex or show desire you might ask......... well, he could come to bed early with me a few times a week for starters, he could give me a kiss and a grope when we pass each other going from one thing to the next and when we find ourselves unexpectedly alone (happens once in a while - kids napping, playing and gone to work all at once) he might start a real conversation or start a snuggle or something. None of that happens. H says he needs time to "decompress" so he takes that right out of the ONLY time we might be able to carve out together.
Some of this stuff will pass. DS16 will be able to drive (too soon) and will be able to get himself to and from work someday. DS9mos will sleep someday. Blah. Blah. Blah.
How do I know he loves me? Recently we had an icky wintery mix that went on for several hours in the middle of the work day. H had left me like 14 phone messages when I was unreachable on the phone. He wanted me to come home and when I was in a meeting so long that the roads were even worse he sent me to stay with my parents since they live closer by and further South where it was only rain. The cynic in me wants to think that his real concern was for the babies (they commute with me every day and go to daycare by my office) and not me but it isn't fair or reasonable to think this way.
Currently, the kisses that I get are during the part of church where you do "peace be with you" - H kisses me on the lips and says he loves me. That works for me or your Aunt Myrtle if you were really close to her.
There is a part of H that registers this...he has made plans for us to go away for a weekend around Valentines Day - just him, me and baby so that we can "spend some time together" - he hasn't said a word about sex but I am pretty sure he plans it to be in there somewhere. Thing is, I am having trouble wrapping my mind around "just doing it" as if it were normal in this R. Am I a whacko or what? I mean, wouldn't a break in the routine of not having sex for months on end merit a conversation? Maybe I am being too hopeful -maybe he really does intend for us to go away together for a weekend and not have sex. That would be weird for him but....
and it caught my attention. It had to do with your 'vulnerability,' and what you can or can't do in said state...
