No, H is not a workaholic. He is an entrepreneur which makes his hours irregular. I work the same # of hours as he. Changing his job to a 9/5 kinda thing would only kill his spirit and cause resentment. Being an entrepreneur isn't a job it is who he is.
He learned long ago that doing his job & keeping on top of his own need for rest requires quarterly vacations - we do that (one is an annual guy trip), a long weekend a few times/year that is with me or for a race os something and limiting his travel schedule. His office is in the house but he does a pretty good job of not going in there on family time. Family time is worth setting aside things for, private time is not.
And Dom - it ain't about the money. Some years he earns 2 or 3 times my salary and some years we are neck and neck. In a particularly bad year it might be mostly up to me. Luckily, H is good at what he does and he sometimes turns down work so as not to overfill the schedule. Sometimes there are just "runs" on work like what is happening now. My job and paycheck aren't glamorous but it keeps us paid regularly & with affordable health insurace. We do not have a high need for "stuff". We live very modestly although the DC/Metro area is an expensive area to live in.
No, H is not a workaholic. He is an entrepreneur which makes his hours irregular. I work the same # of hours as he. Changing his job to a 9/5 kinda thing would only kill his spirit and cause resentment. Being an entrepreneur isn't a job it is who he is.
Karen... [attempting to say this "with love and caring", but doing a poor job of it...]
Bull----
What he does for a living, and how he does it, is "something he enjoys". not "who he is".
Right now, one might say that you are controlling him, by making a choice for him. You are the one defining him as "an entrepreneur". You are the one saying that him making a change, would do things to him.
How about talking to him about the effect his job is having, on your happiness, and then letting him decide whether he wants to change it. Letting him decide whether being an entrepreneur is "who he wants to be", over "someone who cares about his family more than his job".
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you say that him changing what he did would "kill his spirit and cause resentment".
However, what he is doing, is killing your spirit, and causing resentment, in you!
Some things are just not compatible with a good family life. To compare with CEO's of major corporations... To do really well that sort of job, usually takes a major time commitment. The level of commitment, that destroys a decent relationship with one's family. If those people want a good family life and bond, they basically have a choice: the job, or their family.
If they want a good family life... they have to give up the job, and do something else.
Your husband's situation isnt quite "CEO level". But overall, it sounds like he is in a similar "job over family" type situation. It is the #1 thing that he always comes back to, when you have actually talked to him about your unhappiness in the bedroom. "I cant do that, because I'm too tired/stressed".
why is he too tired and stressed? Because of his job.
One way or another, you are only going to be happy in your marriage, if your H either changes his job, or changes HOW he does his job.
Are you going to actually talk to him about it? Or are you going to continue to just going to talk to us here about how unhappy you are with your SL, but not do anything constructive about it? :P
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
There is no improvement of their sex life on vacation.
There is no difference in their sex life whether he's really busy or really slow.
He *will* make time/find energy for "family", church activities, etc etc ad nauseum .... but *not* for his intimate/sexual relationship with his wife. Activities miraculously multiply to fill in whatever free time from work he may have.
How does ANY of what you've recommended address the above? Are you projecting???
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
H is the person who self identifies as entrepreneur. H is the one who says "once you have caught the bug, that's it". He loves what he does for a living. It IS defining for him - he does tons of pro bono work that no "work for the man" job would allow time to do, he gets to help people through his work in the ways that he feels are valuable & pass on other stuff to colleagues in the field. I met him while he was doing his work and I was doing mine. WE respect this aspect of the other. It is not sacrosanct but I don't identify it as a primary issue either. Loving our work is one of our positives as individuals AND partners.
H is too tired and stressed for reasons that have a small amount to do with his job and a bunch to do with everything else. H takes on other's pain. He takes on the pain, trials and tribulations of each of our 16 former foster kids, their spouses, our seven grandkids, a host of family and friends. H loves to be made responsible for community stuff - "please chair this", "please volunteer for that." Of course, as long as he stays busy enough he can continue to avoid closeness & can claim tension/stress. The job is a piece of cake, he has voluntarily put controls on that.
Ah, my bad, I put together "no sex in over a year" (is that right? many months, anyhow) and "quarterly vacations" and came up with, apparently, the wrong answer.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Well, this year was odd. There was the pregnancy, we went on a trip around Valentines day and had sex and then H went on his guy vacation in the summer, when our Fall family vacation came up he made it clear that he wanted some but then everyone got pink eye, upper respiratory infections etc... and the babies were in our bed. None then. Now, our annual Spring Break trip is coming up and I will be surprised if he isn't expecting some then. Also, we are going away for a weekend around Valentine's Day (that will be the one year mark). I'm sure he's thinking about getting some then but with a nursing baby he won't even try to compete with baby - he's probably thinking "if it happens, it happens" where I wish he was thinking - "Wow, she looks good and we're gonna get some regardless..........." I wish he were even doing some preliminary can't wait stuff but he isn't. At this point it will be like having sex with a virtual stranger. Maybe I will make him pay me for it.
H takes on other's pain. He takes on the pain, trials and tribulations of each of our 16 former foster kids, their spouses, our seven grandkids, a host of family and friends. H loves to be made responsible for community stuff - "please chair this", "please volunteer for that." Of course, as long as he stays busy enough he can continue to avoid closeness & can claim tension/stress. The job is a piece of cake, he has voluntarily put controls on that.
HUH!
Now that's interesting. !! When you put it like that... he is a workaholic. It's just not at his "day job".
If you take what I said about "his job", and substitute something about [taking on everyone else's work], as a priority for what should be his #1 job: the 'job' of being a father and husband, then I think that what I said is still relevant to you.
I may have picked up some prior comments from you about him "working", and presumed "job", when you meant "this other stuff".
Anyways... yeah... workaholic, sounds like.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/23/0808:43 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
