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Burgbud,

What is your definition of a soulmate? I'm sure that it will differ from mine

From your post, I get the impression that you feel that my choice of the term soulmate was based on the persona created by IC's description of sex above. It wasn't. My definition of soulmate is not based on sex or the type of. It does not include the word perfection or any other words that might give that impression. It does not mention unison. He is not a perfect compliment to me. Let me know what your definition includes. k!

IC's persona is built on that same Kill it n' Grill it walk of life....that carefree WTF?? attitude...but there is also that tender loving side to him. I don't discount any aspect of his persona. Do I get frustrated by him and his way about life? Absolutely! Do I harbor resentment? No way! These same frustrating quirks that he has are also the same attractive traits that draw me near to him. It's not the erotic intimate moments we share, it's not the throw down sex, it's not the humor, it's not WTF? ....it's him...all of him...complete.

Dear Ann,

I wasn't going to respond since the last time I did on your other forum kind of exploded into what was the term? Witchhunt? That was the fartherst thing from my mind when I posted to you. I was very upset and concerned when I read how your H had treated you sexually. You have not referred to any of that here in this forum and you probably did so on purpose. Some of these folks may not have read your thread in Newcomers. You are still blaming yourself Ann and expecting way too much of yourself under the circumstances. It amazes me that you even have a desire to stay hooked up in the M much less try to improve the SL. Anyway, I still believe the treatment from your H has taken its toll on your sex drive. How could it not affect it? So, stop being so hard on yourself and please stop making excuses for your H's behavior.

I hope I have not lost a friend in you by what I have said. I am just upset at what you are being put through and concerned for you. You are a special person and should be treated that way.

of course it has. That's one of the reasons she asked for help.

Books on LD/HD relationships, arent all about telling the LD person "you are in the wrong". One of the things a good one does, is help the couple work together, in figuring out how the HD person's behaviour, might be negatively influencing the LD person's sex drive, and then offer possible ways the HD person might change their behaviour positively.

Ann:



Have you told your H all of this... as plainly (and kindly) as you have stated above?

I think the problem with the phrase "soul mate" is that like the phrase "one true love" it's probable origin is a description of the side-effect of the biochemical dopamine and it's tendency to cause the delusion of "salience" when people fall "in love". It's a universal phenomenum that when people say they are "in love" their brain scans show certain activity and they report that the love object is "special" or "unique" and their relationship is "meaningful". It would probably be better to think something like "I freely choose to make you my soul mate." which might mean "I will choose to exhibit behavior that will cause you to be the only person with whom I will allow myself to get wasted on 'in love' chemicals"" than "You are my soul mate." which implies a certain dependency on fate and the whim of the love object. Therefore, I would further posit that it would perhaps be best to choose a love object/subject with the same qualities one might seek in a drinking buddy and/or tennis partner.

I think of the term 'soulmate' to describe the one person I can accept completely, they accept me completely, as is... and once that has been established... we still hang out anyway... somehow still getting our 'needs' met. We don't dwell on what 'doesn't' click. We focus on what does... and we go from there.

The only person I can say that about, right now... is my best friend. There are things we cannot 'stand' about one another. We cannot live together (we tried it once in college and got into a fist fight). So. If it ever her and me at the end of our lives, we will be living in a duplex.

Gosh, I could go on and on and on about all the stuff about her and me that don't match up. Yanni Cohanni. I guess the thing that keeps us friends, forever, is that we both KNOW where we don't match up... but we DO agree on the bottom line. The bare minimums, to keep us in the game. kwis?

I think of Hairdog right now, and anyone else who is coming into 'acceptance' of another. If he ever delivers that letter, he will be throwing out... "this is the baseline of what I need to go through it all with you." If they can agree on that... they are gold.

But like Mojo says... in that chemical phase... it's hard to get to the baseline, cuz you are too busy floating up in the ether to figure out what baseline is.

I think 'soulmates' have agreed on the baseline. But I don't think you can only have ONE soulmate, friend of intimate partner. It just takes time figuring out what 'baseline' is. Too often, we don't do that. And then when we do get to 'baseline,' feelings are involved...

Like xbf and me. He has this 'thing' in his life he wants to do. But he also wants to be with me. Those two things don't match up. So... instead of 'accepting' me, as is... he tries to manipulate me out of my feelings, or said boundaries... because he doesn't want to give up A or B. Giving up either one hurts.

Or... I try to 'accept' this 'thing' in his life, testing my own boundary, actually asking myself, 'is this a boundary or a preference?' I try it out. I find out, through my own actions and behaviors... nope, this is truly a boundary, not a preference.

I had a friend I went through this with recently, as well.

Given his "A" boundary, I had to test my own "A" boundary. Our "A's" didn't match up.

At that point... ya gotta have the balls to say... "I love you, and I respect all your things you want, all your A boundaries... but... my "A" boundary, things I want, are clashing. I could try very hard to give up my A boundary to make this work, but then I am no longer authentic to you, or to me... and at some point, this is all going to blow. I'd rather walk away from you now, honoring both of us, just knowing that our "A's" don't match up, than to further degrade and hurt you down the road, simply because I continued to lie to you about something I thought I COULD give up, and found out later... 'nope, can't do that.'

Long way of saying... I think soulmates are two people who figure out how to make it work when their "A's" don't necessarily match up.

I think this is basically what I said to bf when I said, "We love each other very much and we are truly 'family' to each other, but the boy-girl thing just isn't working out."

This works best if the other person agrees with you.

Lil:

I am going to warn you on something.

Once you 'see,' you see. And now, having seen, having crossed the line, having made 'The Decision,' and having said it out loud... you are now in a different place. You have crossed the line the from 'not seeing,' to 'seeing.'

And you will now begin to post differently. But it took you many years to get there....

It is one of the reasons why I come off being so... 'impatient?'

You are getting really blunt. And as time goes on, you are going to start coming across as cryptic. K?

Just an fyi.

Hi Sandi - I appreciate your concern. I really truly do. I'm sure most people here have not read my other thread. I didn't mention here what happened because although it I definately feel that H's previous treatment of me plays a big part in my lack of attraction/desire for him, I need a way to move on. I don't care as much why i don't want him as what i can do to want him again. Maybe i need to focus on that to get there or maybe not, but it really is hard to think about, so i choose not to. I have never felt like that in my life, so helpless and unloved... i just don't like to think about it.

I guess in the making excuses for him and blaming myself, i'm just trying to find anyway that i can change that will possibly make things better. It's kinda like when he asked me for D. that killed me. I could seriously argue that he asked for D and we started living our lives seperately of one another (in the same house cause we couldn't figure out finances and the girls and stuff), so the EA shouldn't matter so much. The problem is, that it doesn't accomplish anything. All that does is further seperate us. Since he won't face up to the stuff that lef up to the D talk, i can't do anything about it. He has to be willing to accept that he had some part in the demise of our M. Until he does, I can only focus on the things that i can control now. Anything that he does is completely out of my control.

it's funny cause right after the D talk, i was looking on a D website and read the WAW article (unfortunately i didn't link it back here at that time.) but i kept thinking, that's me. I was already emotionally done. But none of that matters to him now, so i have to just change how i react rather than expect him to fix the things that went wrong before.

I have a hard time figuring out what i need and want... I don't want things to get back to where they were. I don't want to feel hurt and unloved. What do i want? A loving supportive R where we can openly talk and feel free to express ourselves verbally and physically. That if one or the other of us is uncomfortable with something, that it's understood and accepted. That if one of us is hurt or upset, that the other will listen and be supportive. That we will help each other through times that are hard and thoroughly enjoy the good times. That we will have the regular M arguments, but work things out and move on together.... At this point, all those things will require some change in H. I have no control over this, so I just try and do my half of it.

Physically, i don't know what i want or need from him right now. Mostly space. if he was more willing to give me space, i would be more willing to come to him lovingly rather than out of obligation...

I don't know... None of this probaly made any sense, but that's ok.

Thanks sandi - I appreciate you not sugarcoating anything for my sake, it really won't help me.

Hi Corri - i haven't told him exactly what i wrote above...

prior to EA - a typical conversation about our sex life would involve me asking H if he has fantasies, what he likes/doesn't like, why certain things bother him, if he feels comfortable with me... the response i have always gotten is no fantasies that he can think of, everything is just fine the way it is now, he doesn't know, he just doesn't like them, and yeah, sure he feels fine with me... Anything that can cut the conversation short....

Now - all SL conversations somehow come back to how i don't want him and how long is it going to take for me to love him again? I spend most of the time reassuring him. I try to explain certain things he can do that would probably help me warm up to him physically, but that ends up coming across to him as one more thing he can't get right... I think my biggest problem is that i am not 100% sure what will fix things and what i want, so i don't know how to tell him. He literally wants me to give him an answer and i don't have one...

If someone is dealing with a lot of insecurities, how do you think would be the best way to approach a conversation so i don't make him feel worse?