Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives The End or Just the Beginning? Part 3

Atlas,

Congrats on going sober.

Things seem like they are going well for you. I'd like to interject a little "anti-DB" advice. At this point in the R with your wife, don't get hung up on LRT and what you shouldn't do in terms of pursuit. The only DB thing to really be sure about is "do what works". She is showing interest. She is making an effort to keep you around. And it sounds like she wants more of you than you are giving. You won't know that unless you are willing to show the side of you that is interested in a relationship with her. You can have a good hug. You can hang out with her if she wants (and you want to...don't forget that you also have a say in all that occurs here). You can show you care. If you are ever going to be a couple again, it can't be based on LRT and being aloof. If she's at the point where she wants to know "where are we at", then be frank with her. If you want to see where the relationship goes, you want to go on a date, or you want her to take the lead, then tell her so. If you're uncertain where things are headed, then tell her you need time to figure that out. You are doing good on words of affirmation. If she wants quality time, then it may not be inappropriate to suggest doing something together.

I see her making some strides of her own while you are making strides of your own. It's a fine line to walk between letting her know you'd like to give her a chance and making her think that a relationship with you is as easy as snapping her fingers. You'll figure out how to walk that line if you keep your eyes open for what seems to be working.

I agree completely, I'm not really doing any DB techniques right now, just being myself and enjoying life. I really feel good about things and where my life is headed, so it is hard with the "pink cloud" in place right now. That will pass though.



Wow! This is a tough one to respond to. I love her, I think. See, there it is. I'm unsure of anything anymore. Now that I'm leaving wetbrain behind, I'm asking some hard questions and not necessarily getting the answer I want to hear. For instance, drinking and partying with friends is a big part of W's life, and her entire family. Well I don't think I can be with someone that isn't going to be almost completely sober. Maybe a glass of wine with a meal here and there. Then again how could I answer that after a few measily weeks. So I just need to wait. But I'm pretty sure I know what W would choose, and that says it all.

Second, my higher power is a christian based belief. I don't know if I will ever want to extend that to religion and learn to worship or what not, but W is really mad at the Catholic church, and it's not like I'd be we have to be this way or what not, but we are on such a dicotomy on this one, that I don't see us working past that.

So I don't know if those are two big of things for W to give in on to have a happy R with me. So I just keep working on myself and see and observe what happens.





Thanks for the tip, and it is the best way at this point to go about things. Total openness really is what we need. Too many walls right now and to be open is the way to go. I can't say for sure where it is going. I do want to ask her out, but I don't think it is right yet, maybe I'm being a wuss, who knows. But we haven't had a meal together with just the two of us, except this x-mas for over a year or more. We need a night to just be us.



Ya I'm sure. I'm actually really nervous about a few things and we will see if they ever come about. But I just don't think I could jump in the sack with her right now. Especially, at her place. Just a lot of weird mojo going around and things feel odd. I just have to keep my body in shape and stay clean and sober and I know my mind will find the right answers.

Atlas... Thanks for posting to me. I appreciate it.

it sounds like you are really at a good place. I think DBing is all about doing what works and becoming a better person, not only for the M, but for yourself as well. You may not be doing DB techniques, but you seem to be doing what works.

Take your time, figure out exactly how you feel and what it important to you. Maybe not yet (unless you find a good time) but I think it is important that you let your W know how you feel about partying and alcohol and faith. I'm sure that these are things she's thinking about as well (if she knows anything about the program).

You are doing great. Just keep it up!!

Well I've been doing a lot of studying and leaving my books out. I don't have anything to hide. The more she sees me turn towards God the happier she seems to become. So I'll just wait and see if she wants to follow. There is plenty of time.

I am just working on me, and seeing where we go. As I'm sure she is doing as well. My only concern is staying sober one day at a time, and that is my real focus.

I could use some help if you have read "Not Just Friends."

I'm really starting to feel some anger and resentment welling up inside me. Unlike what I have dealt with before, so much so, that I need to address it and work through it so it doesn't affect what I'm trying to do for myself and DB efforts, if that is what I choose.

I guess what I'm looking to know is does this book help you decide to work on your M, or when it's time to let it go? I don't want to make a regretable decision, and I'm not going to for a while, but it looks like a large book and I need to get started if that is the case.

Thanks for the advice.

Time is no longer on my side. Any suggestions would be appreciated, except the I told you to follow through with the settlement earlier. Lol!


I’m not even a month into sobriety and I have felt the “pink cloud” of “oh ya I’m sober” starting to already lift. I’ve been sick for the last 4 days and have had a lot of time to pace and think. What I do. Well basically I am back to chapter 1. I don’t know what I want. Well I do, a family a loving R, etc… but I don’t think it is possible with who W is now, and I don’t think she is coming back to the person I ever knew.

Here’s the problem:

I sent W a settlement prior to getting involved with a sponsor in AA. My sponsor knows I’m going through a D but, that is about it. He asked me to pull back, and we talked about it a little and he said lets wait and see, pull it back if you can. So I asked W to wait and she did.

Well W called tonight, to let me know that she has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Something I have suspected for some time. Her mother and one of her sisters is as well, all three think the doctors are wrong and have chosen to do nothing about it. I’m sick of dealing with all of it, and just think it is best to cut my losses and move on.

That brings about the tough part, W has found a town home that she wants to try and buy, and she is saying this week. Well W doesn’t exactly fully understand the financial world to well, she is going to be super pissed to find she can’t get a loan because she is tied into our home. We can’t sell because the market is down and we don’t have the funds for the loss.

So my fear is if I don’t get her to settle before she tries to purchase this town home, she will freak out, and decide a trial is the way to go and then that will cost me another 20 to 30k in cash and time and agony.

I’m going to speak to my sponsor tomorrow, but I think it is done. What do you guys think?

Atlas -

If it weren't for bad luck you'd have no luck at all. I feel for you man. I dont know what to recommend for you as you have a difficult situation right now. You need to talk to your lawyer.

My friend and cousin had warned me to strike first and strike hard and get the D over as fast as possible otherwise it only becomes more expensive. I know you realize that now. Dont fret about what you should have done. You had good intentions of saving your M at the time.

Another thing my friend told me was that it gets better financially following the D. From your situation, it sure seems that it can only get better emotionally. I dont know much about bi-polar, but you are probably right about cutting your losses and moving on. Just keep in mind that you still need to deal with your STBXW for many many more years and lets hope she gets treatment otherwise it could be very difficult.

Just focus on yourself and your S, stay away from the sauce, have faith and all will be ok. You can do it. I am sending you some Good Luck.

Thanks for the uplift Kerry.

Actually made me laugh. You know what is the thing, I think I have to be the luckiest person I know. During my drunking spiral down, I fall a$$ backwards into my dream job, she left the house so I have that, my car is paid for, and the thing (W) that just never seemed to work out, may just be moving far enough out of my life here soon enough, that I'll be fine.

I actually feel like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders a bit. There were things I just couldn't figure out through out our M, and now it just makes sense.

I'm watching TV and they are fly fishing, guess what, I won't feel guilty about going fly fishing anymore. Like it ruined my marriage or something YAAAA!!!!

She's gonna do what she can legally with the house, she doesn't have much financially to push to hard, so it may be a non issue. I'll have to think it through.

Hey Atlas,

Did you talk to your sponsor about the predicament? Perhaps he would have some better insight if you just told him eveythng about the D. I would even include the DB aspect as it is pretty important to you.

From my perspective, just getting it done and done quickly would be a priority. No sense prolonging the painful inevitiable.

Not sure what the pink clould is but it sounds like no fun! Best of luck and hang in there, buddy.

Best,
--Chris

Atlas,
my man i have been so busy with work and my own Crazy W that i have been off the site for a while. Sounds like your W and mine are related, no they are just women, sorry anne gotta vent. Anyway at least your W went to get diagnosed mine wont so you have one up on me. I too am dealing with a court hearing this thursday, but oyu and i have to keep our heads up, again we cant control what they are doing or thinking, i believe mine is feeling the dollar crunch right now and looks to getting the kids as a way for a check in the mail, sounds like welfare but it is what it is. you need to stay strong and deal with what cards you are dealt, i will keep up with your thread..