People on this board have been successful in putting their marriages back together. Houndfan did an awesome job. After getting separated, moving out and his wife telling him she wanted a "D" and no longer loved him, he followed DB to a tee and was able to go home and start a new life with his W.
How did he do it...
1. Gave her lots of space. 2. Was very supportive. 3. Asked for nothing, had her initiate almost all contact. 4. Was a very good father.
My sitch had hope, but unfortunately, we are heading for divorce.
Fish, my advice to you is to BACK WAY OFF!!! I mean don't talk to her about anything! If she calls, make it short, 1 min. act like you have totally moved on. It may or may not work, but what you are doing right now isn't.
People on this board have been successful in putting their marriages back together. Houndfan did an awesome job. After getting separated, moving out and his wife telling him she wanted a "D" and no longer loved him, he followed DB to a tee and was able to go home and start a new life with his W.
How did he do it...
1. Gave her lots of space. 2. Was very supportive. 3. Asked for nothing, had her initiate almost all contact. 4. Was a very good father.
My sitch had hope, but unfortunately, we are heading for divorce.
I have seen elsewhere on these boards that sometimes going dark can have the opposite effect than what was intended. Reflecting on my situation reveals typical male behavior. Lack of overt signs of love, being quiet and moody, being reserved and not being very emotional around my WAW. Can GD actually validate the reasons for becoming a WAS? In other words would outward displays of affection actually be doing a 180?
Is it better to do the LRT, GAL and 180 when it may actually be more of the behavior that lead to the WAS syndrome? Family advice has been contradictory. My sister says I should "romance the hell" out of her. I am definetly guilty of taking the M for granted and now that the 2x4 has been removed from my face realize that I must change.
Does the WAS agonize over the short and long term implications of the separation and D on the children? I have been reading "The unexpected legacy of divorce" by Wallerstein. It breaks my heart to read about the implications our (her) actions are going to have on our children. The next step in our situation is telling the children (S19,17)that "we" have moved from separation to "your mom has filed for divirce" (D was filed by W on 11/21/07). I don't imagine giving her the book is a smart idea either.
As I did when the separation announcements was made I told the children that "we" have decided to separate. It will take every and I mean every ounce of strength to give the same answer about the decision to D. I am reminded that to take the high road is the best policy. I dont't think I can live with myself by saying "we" decided to divorce when every fiber of my being wants to shout "this is your mothers decision not mine".
I imagine the guilt my W is feeling to be unbearable. Her actions seem to indicate otherwise.
What goes on in the mind of a WAW when she files for D and there are children involved? Has anyone read "the unexpected legacy of divorce" by wallerstein?. Reading this book breaks my heart. Is it an indication of how bad the M is/was if the spouse is willing to put her children (S19,17) through the long term implications of a D? Or is she looking back at the M and only seeing the bad times?
I presume it is not a good idea to be leaving these types of books around for her to find. She is seeing a therapist to help her work through the implications of her decision. One of the outcomes of her latest session was that a gift I will receive from the D is that I will be closer to my sons-what a crock of sh*t!
What is going on in the mind of a WAW when she choses herself over her children?
Being patient through this is the hardest thing you will need to do. As you work through the process you will see where everything fits.
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Reflecting on my situation reveals typical male behavior. Lack of overt signs of love, being quiet and moody, being reserved and not being very emotional around my WAW. Can GD actually validate the reasons for becoming a WAS? In other words would outward displays of affection actually be doing a 180?
Every case is different however any efforts in this regard may well get the "Too little too late" remark.
The best thing you can do do is STOP DOING WHAT IS NOT WORKING. That alone will help.
As in the book you can try different things and note the reaction you get.
The very best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself. The only way to get your W back is to attract her back. This is not a fast or easy process. The quicker you get yourself together and at least appearing happy and well adjusted the better.
Rockdog there is one thing I don't see anyone having mentioned to you so I will.
While you are doing so much fretting and worrying about your "WAW", there is something you are supposed to be doing OTHER THAN sitting/standing around feigning "patience".
You are supposed to be EXAMINING YOURSELF.
What part did you play in ending up where you are today?
You are in despair and regret. If your wife were to decide tomorrow she wanted to get back together I could promise you you WOULD end up back here. Time is actually on your side although I know you don't feel like that right now. When you get the focus OFF your wife and ONTO yourself and all the years that have passed with your wife being slowly led to THIS place, you will THEN be able to make positive headway.
Until then, you can 'make nice' and "validate" til the cows come home but you won't be learning sh*t!
To get this learning process underway you need to get your eyes off your wife and instead go take a long, soul-searching look in the mirror.
I will take the advice given on this board-examine myself and leave my WAW alone.
One update:
WAW rented and moved into a condo on 1/7/08. She keeps suggesting we take turns living there to ease the transition for our 17S who is with me in our house. I know she is extremely upset about moving out of our house but she is the one who filed. I am torn about supporting my S but feel it extremely unfair that I should move out of my house (even temporarily)to make things easier for her. My S and I are doing fine though he admits to being "pissed" at our separation. Lots of things going on with my son (school,sports,exams,death of a close friend in early Dec) and I still can't believe my WAW chose Dec 27 to inform them (I have a college age son at Michigan State) of our S. The next hurdle is to tell them that WAW filed for D. Now that is going to be interesting.
Should I agree to "taking turns" with her at the condo she rented? When do I ask my WAW to tell the kids it's not just a S but a D-which she filed on 11/21/07?
