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phil, allright here goes. according to my wife , for the last 19-1/2 years she has never been attracted to me sexually, as she puts it , as a wife should for her husband. she said she had sex just for me. we have two children, 17&14. she said from the outside our marriage looked like the all american marriage.but there was always something missing. the sex. from my perspective, of course i cannot necessarily believe what she says about the subject.

before we got engaged, we had sex. the sex was fantastic. when i asked her to marry me. she said yes. she then told me she did not want to have sex until we were married. because of her catholic guilt. i said ok. we slept in the same bed for 11 months without having sex. i said ok, i love you i can do this.on our wedding night i was expecting rocket ship type sex, but was very disapppinted. she was not very interested. i was frustrated. over the first 10 years the sex was strained. we had to use lubrication alot. alot of hard feelings because of constant rejection by wife, led me to be moody, and angry. we had many discussions about what the problem was, she always said it was her and she needed to deal with it.

i suggested going to the doctor, try to see counseling. she would not hear of it.


to be honest phil, the only major conflict we had in our marriage was our sex life. i only wanted to satisfy her sexually. she would not ever let me. i always was the one who iniated it. only a few times w did. i always hoped it would get better. the rest of our relationship was strong, and like i said we rarely agrue. we have argued more since she dropped the bomb 4 months ago. when she said she was done with the marriage, she said she had worked at the problem for 19years and couldn't do it anymore. this is why i have a hard time dealing with all this. she never cared enough about our sex life to do any thing about it, but now it is the reason she wants out. she does not want to try and rekindle our romance. she said it is dead.



she said she was miserable the whole 19years. she felt trapped.
to throw this into the mix, she has lost a 120lbs on weight watchers. she looks fantastic. she also let it slip, that she probably wouldn't have said anything if she had not lost the weight. of course i tell her it can be rekindled. but it will take the both of us and alot of work. counseling. we actually would have to spend quality time on each other. phil i could on. but it seems fruitless.

if you walked into our house on most nights you would never know we were getting a divorce. i know she care for me. we have always been best friends. it is the sex issue.

Have you read 5 Love Languages? The author discusses how people feel loved in primarily 5 different ways. I don't have it in front of me and I can't remember them all ... but I'm thinking this is a starting point for you. However you are/have been communicating love with her is not what she uses as a basis to feel loved. It's a simple book to read - Christian based principals. Many people on the BB recommend it.

The other issue is plainly obvious - "attraction" as she describes it. I have a resource for you - a real eye opener. I want to email it to you if you email me privately.

Craig, easy problems to solve that YOU must solve without her and with the grace of God. We'll get you up to speed in a couple weeks. Your job is to keep your faith alive. Faith in yourself, your W, your M and God. Email me. My email is below in my signature.

Craig,

I just caught up on your thread. I am so sorry to hear about the filing. That is like a knife through the heart, and my heart goes out to you. But I wanted to tell you, your attitude and your actions are truly inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing your fight with us, because it makes me feel stronger. I pray for your wife to move towards you with open arms and an open heart.

I know it is hard to see right now, but I see many encouraging things in your situation, including that your W called you because she was worried about you. That is a loving action, even if probably seems totally negligible given that she just filed papers, she still cares about you, and is showing it, which is something others on this BB would do anything to experience.

i cant explain why i got mad. i went to a movie by myself. w left a message on my phone saying she was worried about me. my heart feels like it is broken again. how many times can my heart be broken. my weakness belittles me.

I think it is great that you went to see a movie by yourself and gave yourself some space. Maybe it's because I'm a W, but I don't think it's weakness for you to feel heartbroken. It is actually a great strength that you are still vulnerable to your W because you still love her and care for her. Even if it is unbearably painful.

I also recommend the 5 Love Languages! And have you read the sex-starved marriage yet? Maybe not the best one to let your W see you reading, but it should also give you insight into what she has been going through as the low-drive partner.

*transformer*

COG,

I don't know if this is the right place for me to post this but I tried to find an active thread of yours and it seems like at this point you are posting and helping other people on their threads. And you might see this here because you seem to be a regular. I just wanted to say I read your story and I cried. Thank you for what you have done and shared, you give me hope, and I am sure many others too.

transformer

transformer, phil, thanks for caring enough to respond. it has been a rough day. i have read the five love languages, i will go over it again. to really look at what language my wife likes to receives. i love my wife so much it hurts every time i see her. phil i emailed you a few minutes ago , you can let me know about the attraction problem.went to dinner w wife and son. i know she cares for me, i never have doubted that. just no emotion from her towards me. trans, i feel so vunerable. just like an open wound. i was doing so well up until last night. just a small breakdwon. thanks

when i sit back actually think about what my wife is saying and acting, i tend to analyze the situation better. she seemed very reluctant to file for divorce. she waited 4 months. she seems resovled that the situation is hopeless. she doesn't believe she can ever find that attractio to me that she says is missing. she seemed to be in a bad mood most of the day. not saying a whole lot. went to bed at 800 pm. which is early. did not go out with anybody tonight, no movies. seems forlorn. sort of matches my mood this morning. daughters birthday party was a success.she seemedto have a good time with her friends.going to church in the morning. praying for a touch from the Lord. i surely need one. i pray for everyone on the bb , we are all in the battle to save our marriages. God bless .

Craig, God bless you too. You know how much I am hurting and have appreciated your support on my thread. I am very sorry for you. However, like someone else said, in the grand scheme of things, this means nothing. Do not let it get to you. If I learned anyting from my sitch it is this, you can only control yourself. Make sure you make yourself the best person you can be. If your wife notices somewhere down the line, fine, if not someone else will. Be strong (love your wife and don't get angry at least not in front of her).
By the way, I don't buy this "I was never attracted to you sexually" thing. Maybe i am paranoid and lacking sleep these days but look around the boards.....very few people leave a "decent" M when there is nobody else lurking. Sorry that does not help other than the fact that it is probably good to know what we are up against to try to save our marriage and or ourselves in the process.

I'll ditto john210. I don't buy the "attraction" statement. I emailed you, craig.

Craig, I am sorry about the lastest challange. Keep the faith and try to take care of yourself. She is confused right now and I wouldn't buy anything she says.

Dear Craig,

Just checking in... I'm rooting for you. I think it takes a lot of courage to actually feel the pain, and not disguise it from ourselves with anger/resentment/denial/whatever. It takes a lot of strength. A lot!!

If you feel like you are getting stuck in one feeling, I just
just finished the chapter on love letters from mars and venus and for some reason I thought you might find it helpful. It's a way of releasing negative emotions, and you can do it without even showing the other person. It is very simple, just write "dear __. I am angry___, I am sad ___, I am afraid ___, I am sorry___, I love___. Love, ___."

Sometimes we have to have a breakdown before we have a breakthrough. I think the important thing is not to let your wife see the breakdown.

Someone else has probably already pointed this out, but I wouldn't believe everything she says, esp about not being attracted to you for 19 years. It sounds like she is just doing the rewriting-the-history-of-the-relationship thing to justify where she is at now. It still hurts... but it doesn't mean that it's true.

T