Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives JOHN210(AKA the angry LBS or SOB)

Thanks to all for your support. I appreciate each and everyone one of you.
I spoke with another of my cigar smoking buddies today and he invited me to his church service on Sunday morning. It actually shocked me when he told me he has begun going to church with his family. We are from the same background and are not really practising if you will. I will take my D7 this Sunday.
I have not slept much in the last couple of days as you could imagine...last night was pretty tough. My appetite is not exactly anywhere close to normal. I guess I will shed a few pounds in the next few days. I have to take some positives from all this. I will also try to do something physical tommorow (probably shovel more snow) and beyond to relieve the stress a little. Spoke to another one of my buddies (out of town) actually he is more of a mentor. He was on his way to his last radiation session and took the time to encourage me. That did me some good.
I will get together with my spy buddy and the other member of our golf threesome (the one with Crone's disease) to watch some football this weekend. Basically what I am saying is I have to seriously get my mind off of my predicament and start laughing a little. Easier said than done but if I do not do it who will. I am lucky to have a good extended family to fall back on as well as some good friends (both groups have been neglected in the last couple of years).

Thanks to all for your support. I appreciate each and everyone one of you.
I spoke with another of my cigar smoking buddies today and he invited me to his church service on Sunday morning. It actually shocked me when he told me he has begun going to church with his family. We are from the same background and are not really practising if you will. I will take my D7 this Sunday.
I have not slept much in the last couple of days as you could imagine...last night was pretty tough. My appetite is not exactly anywhere close to normal. I guess I will shed a few pounds in the next few days. I have to take some positives from all this. I will also try to do something physical tommorow (probably shovel more snow) and beyond to relieve the stress a little. Spoke to another one of my buddies (out of town) actually he is more of a mentor. He was on his way to his last radiation session and took the time to encourage me. That did me some good.
I will get together with my spy buddy and the other member of our golf threesome (the one with Crone's disease) to watch some football this weekend. Basically what I am saying is I have to seriously get my mind off of my predicament and start laughing a little. Easier said than done but if I do not do it who will. I am lucky to have a good extended family to fall back on as well as some good friends (both groups have been neglected in the last couple of years).

John,

We are all here for you. Getting out and doing something physical works for me always. That's why I'm heading north this weekend, for the same reasons you want to get out of the house.

But, before you decide to move out make sure that you really understand all of the implications. Everyone I've talked to (e.g., lawyer, DB coach, friends) all tell me that only will make things worse. Besides, your are going to miss your D7.

Thanks for your support Woog. Incidentally, have a good time snowmobiling. I will probably see D7 from Friday - Sunday
I believe I mentionned that I have a D17 stepdaughter who lives with us. I think I underestimated the effects of all this on her. She just left to go to her dad's house and balled her eyes out. WE hugged for a long moment. I think she senses that things are not right. She said she wants to spend some time with me tommorow. Coming from a 17 yr. old, that is not normal. I can't imagine D7's reaction.

I will call a lawyer tommorow regarding moving out. I think we will continue to pay the bills together and the house will be up for sale. What are the law implications in your state rearding moving out?

John, Sorry you're going thru' this mess. I've followed some of your thread but not all of it. Not sure what to tell you but I'll try.

Filing the D puts the lid on things so do it as the last resort. But I would say prepare well for it - consult a lawyer right away (on an hourly basis for now, no retainer and get a recommended lawyer even if you have to pay more), grit your teeth and protect your papers and assets as much as possible ahead of time - once D is filed everything gets "frozen" but before that there's a lot you can do - e.g., change your beneficiaries for life insurance to your kids, make sure your joint accounts are protected, take hold of half the joint accounts, etc. My W cleaned out our bank account before I could get my bearings and I had to pay the bills single handed on top of that. I would hate for you to have to file the D but at least prepare for the possibility - for all you know W may file it before you know it what with OM to "advise" her. Having to give W half of everything when she's badly betrayed you will make you feel very violated and resentful.

Without D7, moving out would have been a no brainer but with D7 you may loose your house and custody if you do not do it right. Staying could also be rough as it was for me until W had to move out by court order. Once OM is exposed and/or D is filed the anger starts to flow and you will be on the receiving end. But you may develop the skills to stay put and diffuse the anger - see lanzo's thread.

For me the priorities were clear: I did not want to risk loosing custody of my kids to an unstable W so I stayed put but instead of "validating" W I would go to my office and work to escape her wrath. Sometimes I'd take the kids and go out. But I did a lot of things wrong like pleading, getting others to talk to her, making her come to MC, not looking after myself enough, etc. - all this had the opposite effect. So hopefully you'll learn from others' mistakes. I found this board hard to stomach for months but gradually got the courage to participate in the squalor.

At my age I now feel my rippling muscles again after just a little working out. Smoke some stinky cigars. Go get back some of your raw manhood and be around supportive people so you feel strong and cared for. Keep posting ...

Intersting events last night. D17 (stepdaughter) cried very loudly in wife's arms before heading out. D7 heard and she was supposed to be sleeping on 2nd floor..I heard from the basement. W and I crossed paths later on and she grabbed me for a prolonged hug. For the first time I pushed her off after a few minutes.
I also found out that other stepdaughter (D20) who lives on her own was aware that W was in Paris. I hate the fact that my W included her in her deceit. I did call her one evening to catch up. I wonder now if D20 gave her mom a heads up which prompted that "I miss you" text message to get me off track (getting paranoid I know).

Any clarity yet, John? Any sense of direction?

Don't do anything to sabotage the M yet. Just wait through Sunday, at the least. Go to church with your friend. He sounds like he may have a good grasp of things.

Speaking of friends - as DR book reminds you, keep your friends motives in mind when you seek them for comfort. They care about you and want to see the pain go away. They see the shortcut as the easy answer ... "leave", "she's not worth it", "you can do better", "you deserve better'. They want to ease your pain because they are uncomfortable watching your sitch develope. But remember, all of these people will go home at the end of the night to their own families - if you leave, you will go home to an empty house. Friends mean well - but are not the best advice givers. Read through the success stories on the BB and see how similar your sitch is to others and how others have managed their situations.

John, this is a battle - a bigger battle then you even can conceive of. Many of us believe it is a battle for your soul and for your wife's soul in a spiritual realm. More on that later as your sitch developes. But it is the hardest thing you (and your W) will ever live through.

Still, make NO DECISIONS. You are too hurt and still need perspective. Lets wait out the weekend (you will learn alot about patience during this trial), see how you are feeling on Monday, and then lets get a plan together ... based on whatever direction you choose.

Take your mind off the circumstances (step daughter issue, the denial about Paris, the OM - who truly has less to do with this then you think, how this all played out, etc.) You need to step back and look at the M and R as a whole and not the result of the last week or the last few months. Many of us took your position at the beginning (if there's an OM - I'm out). I did. But with time comes wisdom and perspective. I took my wedding band off - for about 45 minutes. It's been on since. I was blessed. Wisdom came quickly to me.

You have to do what I've been telling you to do for weeks ... pick a direction. In or out? You are in control here. This is now your decision. What is best for John210? What is best for D7? What is best for W? I think the answer is the same.

John,

I agree with everything the others have told you. Stay calm. Keep breathing and try to get space. The rash decision is usually the wrong one. Trust me, I have experience on that.

Hang tight buddy. You have plenty of support.

Thanks again guys for your support.......I backslid this morning and send her a text message saying essentially the same things she says "I miss her". I tried to mirror her messages. I know this is against DB priciples but I figured what the hay, if she can do it why don't I give it a try. Well, she called me back and we chatted a little while. Usually she would just text me...so I guess there is a little positive there. She said she would call back later in the day and wanted to watch a movie at home with D7 tonight. I think she was getting emotional because she cut off the conversation abruptly.
I'll hang tight till Monday at which time I should have a clearer picturein my mind,
Thanks again.

Good, john. It's not entirely anti-DB'ing. A big part is keep her pace. Not getting ahead of her and maybe lagging a little behind. At the beginning, it means none of that initiating ... but as things develop, the rule gets more fluid.

I already sense some clarity, John. Be strong. It's worth every bit of the fight.