NT...that sucks. Sorry dude. I know exactly how you feel. I just found out that my H is moving to a new apartment w/OW. It's all good though...he got more bills and responsibilities...I got more space for my shoes! Bought a cute pair of 'deadbeat-H-moving-in-with-skank-but-I'm-gonna-be-a-fab-diva-anyway' pair of boots when I heard this little bit of news.
But this is one more reason why you have to detach from her. No more letters, no more emails, TM's, PM's, M&M's....whateva. It does nothing for you but keeps the focus on her and what she is doing. I know its hard...very hard but you have to do it or your going to keep tearing yourself apart.
Please try...it's no fun walking on eggshells. Been there...done that...ain't going back...4-shizzle baby!
Well I gotta say the comment about the boots made me laugh. Hope it had the same effect on you too NT. I think I gotta go find me some of those!!!LOL!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Well, today I went IC. He said I seemed to have a calmness about me now and that my resolve is strengthening. I view that as a positive. I also got a call from W today that was really good. We haven't spoke since Saturday. It was a great conversation. I think she felt it too. Anyways, she wanted to let me know that she was starting her IC now. I said I was happy for her. I hope that it helps her.
Its weird, awhile ago I would in my mind think that I hope it gets her head straight so she and I can get back together. But now I just hope it helps her find what she is looking for. I still hope it will be me one day but right now I still got to work on me. Besides I'm not sure I want her right now as is. We would definitely need lots of IC and MC to get us right. But who knows. I view today as a good day. Baby steps.
I thanks for the laugh:) I was thinking the same thing when I had my IC today. I can't let myself get caught up in her madness. It does nothing for me or my kids. But I like your way of thinking...we're here you and me. Thanks.
WAS,
let me know when you get some of those boots because I'm going to find me some too.
So glad you had a good day! Seems everybody noticed how your PMA shined thorough...way to go! Sounds like you have a different outlook on your W too. *Sigh*....the initial signs of detachment...I'm so proud!
Oh yeah BTW...I WILL be rockin' tha boots this weekend...Divaliciousness in effect!!!
Kind of looked over a few of your posts. Detach, Detach, Detach! Of course as always it is easier said than done especially when you have kids. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells with H because I truly don't know who will show up at my door. It could be the nice H or the mean and brooding H. Who knows? What I do know is I hate the eggshell feeling and when I start thinking about it the easier it is to detach. I remember being a kid with a mom who worked really long days. Anyway, when she would come home the house had better be neat, dishes done, and dinner cooked, if not there would be hell to pay. Anyway, my siblings and I would laugh and joke it up until 5:30 and then around 5:30 we would all get really nervous and quiet and the tension would build cuz my mom would be walking through that door. That is how I felt with H. So even though I want my marriage to work I think about those times and how much I don't miss that. There is a peacefulness that I did not have in the later stages with H. I am not ready to trade that in. Funny story -I talked with MIL and she was complaining about H and his awful moods. I could not help but laugh thinking now she has to deal with the sh_t I had to deal with. Yeah, this detaching thing might not be as hard as I think, at least until I have another breakdown
Out of curiousity what did the OM do that landed him in jail. I ask because as a parent you are well within your rights to ask your W not to take your kids to jail. I think that is totally inappropiate. She needs to get a sitter or leave the kids with you or family or friends. Very bad judgement on her part-JMHO
You know what I don't know or care. He is not a factor to me. Besides W would probably lie anyway about it. I asked before not to do take the kids there but she will lie and do it anyway. Its not like I can stop her being in another state and all. So when I visit I make the most of things and she sees what she gave up on. I just have to be strong for the twenty steps she takes back for every step she takes forward.
Its strange because she's been lying about everything lately. It makes wonder who is this person? Is this who she has become? If so I don't need her in my life. But I don't know. The signs are there to cut ties and run. But I can't. Something in my heart says she still there. She just needs to find her again and she'll find you.
She's going through so much stuff and I see her losing control and heading for a huge breakdown. I want to help her. But I know I can't. Besides, I'll be back in Iraq in a few months anyway so its best I work on me. That way if D happens I'll be ok. I already know I'll be ok if it happens but I have to make sure I'll be ok if it happens (i.e. money and kids).
Anyways, I feel you on the whole egshells thing. It a sucky feeling. Somewhere in our Rs we let ourselves get that way. I believe its from many factors like getting too comfortable with each other.
When that happened to W and I, we stopped communicating because we thought we knew what the other wanted. Instead of asking and communicating we did what WE thought the other wanted. We acted how WE thought the other wanted us to act. Thats a lot of pressure especially if you don't know what the other wants. You stop being yourself. You stop keepin it real. Its too much pressure when you don't talk. Thats whats starts the eggshells.
I forgot how easy and comfortable you can be around people if you talk. For example, If I acted grumpy around you and said nothing. You would probably act like "what's up with him" and stay away until I was cool again. But if I just said "hey, I'm in a mood right now and I don't know why, I might not be good company" There would be no eggshells. No awkwardness. Because I told you what's up. But as we get comfortable around each other and start to take each other for granted we start to do things like that to each other. We just forget. I don't want to be that anymore so that's one of the things I am working on for myself.
I forgot how easy and comfortable you can be around people if you talk. For example, If I acted grumpy around you and said nothing. You would probably act like "what's up with him" and stay away until I was cool again. But if I just said "hey, I'm in a mood right now and I don't know why, I might not be good company" There would be no eggshells. No awkwardness. Because I told you what's up. But as we get comfortable around each other and start to take each other for granted we start to do things like that to each other. We just forget. I don't want to be that anymore so that's one of the things I am working on for myself.
Ya know NT, what you said here makes a lot of sense. It is so true...if H came home in a mood I would usually do the same thing. Wonder what bug got up his arse??? Then I would be funky towards him then we'd end up arguing.
I guess it's like you said, through the years we tend to take for granted our partners and think that we know them inside and out. But in actuality...we don't always know what the other person is thinking or feeling. And I believe sometimes THEY don't know what's wrong either. This is how I'm looking at this situation I'm in now. H can't really express what's going on with him cuz he really doesn't know and has no idea HOW to express it. That's why the patience and detaching is really important. We have to let them go get things together in their minds before they can even think about coming back home.
NT, how are you going to handle being in Iraq with this situation with your W? That has got to be the hardest thing to deal with...
You know what, it's funny you ask that cuz I'm not worried about Iraq. It is what it is. What I want to do this time is make the lines of communications better this time around. If it doesn't happen, maybe this will be the final deal breaker for me to let my heart know it's time to move forward. But I'm optimistic. She takes steps forward I just need to make her feel comfortable enough to not go backwards anymore. Maybe if she really is going to IC it will be enough for her to want to move forward with me.
