Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi movin' on up...

well Duh course I would!

I've actually suggested it(long time ago now), and she declined. she only does "family" trips. "For our children". so I havent pursued it. i'd really like to do that. but i have pretty much zero expectation she would say yes to it.


my marriage, and yours, ARE different, though.
we barely do anything together. whereas you do stuff all the time with your H.

my wife isnt leading me on. Whereas your husband is.
your husband is toying with your emotions. Seems to me like he's in "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free" mode.

I might suggest for you to go on the trip, but do less with him "day to day".

Trixi,

Thinking about this, my doubts about vactions only come from memories about some vactions we had which had pretty awkward moments. As your sitch is completely different, you'll be ok.

As Dom says, you are really lucky that you still do so much together. There is good and bad in that too, but at least you have a framework to work from. Some starting place.

Take care,

Max

Updates/Journaling

It's been a busy last few days. Finally got my Clock Hours done so I can renew my real estate licence. Finished up making a LOT of bead stuff for my mom to sell at an upcoming show. Celebrated my bday with my family. ("Real" bday is tomorrow.)

Went to H's last night. I mentioned that the family had come over to my place to celebrate my bday and he was like "oh yeah- what day (meaning 'of the week') is that?" I said Tuesday and he said "oh. I'm busy that night. How about we celebrate on Friday?" I said that was fine by me.

Then we talked about Costa Rica-dates, pricing etc. He pipes up "Costa Rica will be your birthday present from me." I say "oh, your presence in Costa Rica is my birthday gift?" and he says "no- I'll buy the tickets." ok-Cool.

He had made a few changes regarding the pics on the bookshelf. He did remove the ones of us as a couple, but did put up one of the two of us with DD. (It wasn't there before.) The poster in the den is still up. I said that my toes we freezing and he told me where my slippers were. (Under the bed-which I knew, of course.)

Okay-so here is where I am conflicted. I went to use the restroom and by the sink was this sheet of paper that said "Things I want to do" at the top. It had stuff like "write great songs" "come out of my shell" "exercise" "wake up early" etc. Also had "enjoy life--enjoy the "single" life" and the coup de grace "Find and Know Love".

*sigh*

The spinmaster in me says "well, that doesn't mean he can't "find and know love" with me". Obviously, right now he isn't feeling all ooey gooey about me, so what do I expect?

OTOH, wth?

wow-nearly a month and nothing has changed.

H and I see each other about once a week. Dinner, Lost, video games and a stay over.

He has purchased our tix to Costa Rica. I'm looking forward to that.

The 25yo band mate moved in with him yesterday.

This morning I asked H if his new roommate knew he was seeing me and he said "no. No one knows. it's my secret." I believe he said that if he told anyone, they would probably ask him WTH he was doing.

I am not sure what I think of that.

He still hasn't gotten the 4x4 licensed (long story) so we haven't had a chance to go out and go 4x4ing, but it is on the list of things for us to do. On Presidents day we went out and had lunch, looked at antiques and took a walk along the river. It was quite nice.

and yet...

and yet, I am a secret. I guess I can understand not wanting to have people try to influence you one way or the other and our relationship IS just between the two of us...but...seems that it is creating more distance and more hurdles if we were to reconcile. I guess I feel somehow offended or something.

I would think he would have to spill the beans after we go to costa rica.

More thoughts.

I figured out how he will 'spin' the Costa Rica trip to anyone that finds out we went together. Two things that he has said while planning this trip are "I enjoy your company" and "I made a promise to take you to Costa Rica and I am living up to that." Wow- how noble of him. He can't live up to the promises we made on our wedding day, but he can re a trip.

My BFF has just met a fellow off of match. They have been talking for a few weeks and finally met in person over the weekend. They hit it off famously. Listening to her talk about how he is treating her is really in stark contrast to my situation and I feel frustrated. She and her new fellow talk at least once a day; he sends her IM's in the morning; he brought her flowers. She doesn't second guess every little thing. She doesn't have to feel 'weird' about sending him an IM. They can admit to being excited to see each other.

I have to wonder if it's "Ok" to send an IM to my H. I have to be careful not to pressure him. I can't just call because I am thinking of him. If he does meet someone that interests him, how in the heck am I supposed to "compete"? If he met a new girl, he would freely call her, freely expect her to call, quite possibly invite her to do things with his friends. But because I am his wife, I am sequestered. Probably wise on his part since the very last time I was around his friends, someone said "haha, are you sure you guys aren't married? haha" and I didn't just laugh and keep my mouth shut- no, I said "oh, why yes we are married. 10 years" and the poor fellow got this really confused look on his face and said "ha ha.....really?? oh..well, um...congratulations, that's a long time" and my H said in a grumpy tone "It's been a bad year". And then a few minutes later said to me that we needed to file right away.

Anyway, I am going thru a "it's not FAIR!" stage right now. finding out that I am *totally* a secret has really ruffled my feathers. I can see not saying anything to his parents; but his roommate? OMG, that reminds me. He wanted me to make a custom bead for his friend. I asked what the story was and the short version was the guy said that he liked this one skull and my H said "Oh, I know someone that could probably make that". Huh. "I know "someone"." Like I'm the secretary at the dentists office or something. I guess he doesn't know what to call me. I am not legally his X, but obviously I am not his wife either.

How do we (LBS) keep doing this? Is the writing on the wall and I just refuse to see it?

It's rough, and emotionally difficult.

it might continue as-is, for a very long time, unless something rocks the boat.

Finally- a little bit of a R talk. yeah, anti DB, but not talking about it doesn't seem like a good option either.
So, H stayed over last night and this morning we were outside and there were a TON of birds. (We both love birds.)
Backstory-The landlord plans to cut down a bunch of trees for a short plat he is doing and it is going to affect the look and feel of the property-a 20 foot road is going to be right up to a corner of a gazebo, a huge japanese maple is being removed. I have first right of refusal to purchase at the end of my lease, but I don't know if I will want to- a lot will depend on how the now road changes things. End Backstory.
H says "if you decide you want to buy, how much does the landlord want?" and I tell him how much, but that I don't know *what* I am going to do at the end of Dec. I started to tear up and get upset. Part was because I don't know where H and I will be, part is that regardless, I don't even know if I will still want the house- so I feel like more than likely, I am going to HAVE to move in under a year. I don't like moving. I feel unmoored right now.

H asks why the tears; I basically say that I wish I knew how things would be at the end of December; but that I guess it's ok not to know. I had to leave; he stayed and took a shower.

I called later to make it clear it was NOT just about the uncertainty of US, it was also how the property would seem, etc. He said that he sometimes feels selfish and bad for pursuing the music thing; that he hasn't closed the door on us getting back together; that he thinks we need each other (to a degree) right now, but that we also need to stand on our own. He just doesn't want to invest the energy (right now) in making the marriage work. I said it sounds like he wants a sabatical from the marriage and he laughed and said "yeah, that's a good way to put it". I said that I am probably more understanding than he realizes and he said "oh no- I *know* you are being understanding and I really appreciate it."

He said he sometimes feels guilty because he said he wanted to be done, and now he has changed his mind and that he knows that most everyone would say that he should just stop seeing me and be 'done with it' and that it might seem like he is leading me on,but he isn't- he is confused. I said, "the only reason you should feel guilty is if you KNOW that you are done and you are just using me as the stop gap" and he said "that's not the case."

He talked about how in the past we drifted apart, he gave up and decided to go in a different direction. I did say that *if* we decided to reconcile, i still thought retrovaille would really help us communicate and really deal with the past and move forward. He actually didn't seem turned off by the comment.

He also talked about how he had his son at 24, was divorced by 30, moved out here, got a job and tried to fast track his career and that he just felt like 'now' was his chance to do what HE wanted. That he knows it is selfish, but that's what he wants to do.

He is figuring that we will be doing some talking about the R and getting to know each other better/again on the trip to Costa Rica. IOW, sounds like he is expecting CR to shed some light on where we are headed. Wow, way to put expectations on the trip- yikes.

I was glad that he a)seemed to *want* to talk about our R and b)wants to continue the dialogue once we have an extended period of time together.

Oh, after we hung up from that conversation, he called me back to talk about other stuff and when we were hanging up he (accidentally, I'm sure) said "love you" and i said "i love you too". I guess I could have just said "bye" and let it pass without comment, but...oh well, what's done is done.

I think that was a really good, positive talk that you had.

i dont think it's anti-db at all.



I'll say he's confused... i'm wondering where the heck he's getting this "most everyone" viewpoint.
"most everyone" I value an opinion of, would tell him he should quit messing around, be a man, and work on your marriage!

Oh well. sounds like you did a great job of "just listening" to him.

Maybe next time the whole "I need a sabattical; i need to do things 'for me'" thing comes up.... ask him what things "for him" he thinks he needs to not be married for,to do, other than "screw other women"?

I'm probably not putting it very nicely; what I mean to say is, it might be a good idea to somehow show encouragement for the "each person needs to [be able to] stand on their own" idea. To show support for the idea that someone can be married, and have a GOOD marriage.. yet at the same time, still having their own individuality and interests come through, and be supported.

PS: I think it's a good thing you didnt just say "bye"

13 years ago today was our first kiss. Wow, how time flies!

H and I went out 4 wheeling today and had a great time. We met some guys up there who invited us to follow them up a trail; it was *quite* the trail- apparently rated expert difficult (or something akin to that.) My H did a great job driving; the other guys were a good help in a couple spots tossing logs under the wheels and telling H where to turn the wheels. I wore some rubber boots that H said several times he just "loved".

At one spot on this trail, we were waiting for the guys ahead of us to get in between the trees and I remembered that it was the 16th. I turned to him and said "gimme a kiss". so he did and I said 'happy 13 year anniversary'. He was like "wow! is that today? yeah, happy anniversary!" We had a couple other times of some nice kisses on the trail. He's funny, though. He'll start getting frisky and then say "stop it!" in sort of a "what are you doing to me" sort of way. (I'm not touching him in any way--just being my cute self, I guess. )

Anyway, on the way back into town, we had a good time talking, I came up with some lyrics for him; when we were almost back to my car I said "I think you are the cat's meow" and he says "I think you're pretty cool too.....lately." I laughed it off and said ""lately." nice-give with one hand take with the other.I see how you are." He laughed and it was all in good fun....

I think it was really good for us to go and do the 4 wheeling. We haven't done anything unusual together for a long time. I fit in just fine with the guys; H and I laughed, hooted and hollered and played the music loud.

I was glad that he didn't make a bad face when I said happy 13 year anniversary; it was sorta risky because he could have rolled his eyes or made it awkward--but he actually seemed glad.

I sometimes wonder, though, if this is the death of 1000 cuts. The other night he talked *again* about how he had decided in 2001 that he was leaving when DD graduated. (2006) I tried to just validate and say "that must have been hard for you." *sigh* and still he waffles.