I have undoubtedly let her down as well, by not being available when she needed me, by not making her the center of the universe, by becoming boring.
No FLTC that's not exactly right. It isn't just your fault. Each of you let the other down. At the end of the day each of you didn't do the right things for yourselves, each other and your marriage/relationship.
So as Michele says, do something different. You are by addressing your own needs first, getting your confidence up, etc. Only then when you have completed that journey will you be able to give something back.
As for your wife, you can't continue to worry about her because by worrying about her you are trying ways to "fix" her, only she can fix her. You just have to trust in her, have confidence in her that she can do what she needs to do for herself so she can then do for others as well.
So stop worrying about her and focus on the mission at hand, you.
Now I will ask again, what are your three positives? The first is you are addressing your confidence needs by re-establishing the core FLTC. You are doing what you are called to do, serve your country and lead men. The positive here is you are finding your core self, your core values and your self esteem and confidence.
What are the next two positives? Also have you started saving ANY money for yourself yet? Oh and a new question, tell me something positive about your wife. I can't recall you ever saying anything positive about her.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
My W. was a very giving person, sometimes too much so. For instance, we lived next to an older couple who were raising their grand daughter since birth. Their daughter, the girl's mom had passed away. My w. took such a shining to this kid that she wanted to have her live with us when her grandparents died. It meant a lot to W., so I agreed to it, against my better judgment. It ended up not happening, but we even went to family court and fought against her crazy uncle, who ended up with custody. She lives for our kids. She really held the family together. She did all the shopping, bills, cooking. I did the typical "house things", but she planned all the social events, picnics, etc. I don't think that's too unusual, but she was very giving, too much so, and couldn't fathom that I was not exactly like that. She is a good and principled person. No doubt about that.
The push for positives is a healthy approach!!! You and your wife will always be co-parents no matter what direction your marriage takes. It makes me stop and think about how I have been thinking of my H and his parenting style (I want him to be more active in my daughter's life, but I should be thankful that he is doing anything!)
It still is ok to vent here, FLTC!!!!!! That is healthy, too!!!
My W. was a very giving person, sometimes too much so. For instance, we lived next to an older couple who were raising their grand daughter since birth. Their daughter, the girl's mom had passed away. My w. took such a shining to this kid that she wanted to have her live with us when her grandparents died. It meant a lot to W., so I agreed to it, against my better judgment. It ended up not happening, but we even went to family court and fought against her crazy uncle, who ended up with custody. She lives for our kids. She really held the family together. She did all the shopping, bills, cooking. I did the typical "house things", but she planned all the social events, picnics, etc. I don't think that's too unusual, but she was very giving, too much so, and couldn't fathom that I was not exactly like that. She is a good and principled person. No doubt about that.
FLTC, man that is nice to read, you recognizing and say the positives in here. Good work buddy!
Clearly from what you wrote she has a big heart. We know its just drained completely dry. My wife is much the same but didn't get to the point your wife got. I suspect that she has softened up a little but tenses up when the two of you do have interactions. In other words, walking on eggshells as my wife puts it. So it's up to you to put yourself at ease first, be at ease during your interactions so she can slowly be at ease. Confidence in yourself, your changes and your future my friend, in other words faith.
Oh and I'm still waiting for that list of positives.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Thanks. Yeah, she was there for about two years, and I just lived with it, not knowing what was wrong. I have faith, but I've been praying more for help in survivng this, ratehr than saving my marriage these days. No contact with her whatsoever.
OK. Question of the day. I often have trouble coentrating this late at night (it’s 848PM here!) I am over the 6 month mark here in Iraq. Six more months and I head home. I have not so much as even discussed with W. what will be awaiting me when I get home. I don’t even attempt to speak with W. nor she with me.
I have no home or apartment now. Those of you who follow me know that right or wrong, I’m sending all my salary and benefits home. I will go home and I’m expecting to face a divorce shortly upon wheels down in America.
My W. has done the fiancés forever. Like a lot of guys, I turned the checks from two jobs over to her, and she managed all banking, so of course, I’m totally clueless to our finances.
Let’s say she fills for divorce. I will need an attorney. I don’t know what the savings look like now, because D17’s school was about 10K a month for 10 months. She went to a school in Utah for completely out of control kids, and graduated last month. I’m great at my jobs, but when it comes to finances; clueless.
We currently have a home valued at about 700K. My kids are firmly entrenched in school, and I hate to uproot them if (when!) this occurs. Buying two smaller houses in our town is out of the question. The cost of living is ridiculous.
My state is pretty much 50/50 in settlements. I’m not suer we have a lot of savings at this point. Where do I get the money for an attorney? Even if I save here, once you file, all accounts become locked, correct? I hate to go scorched earth on my kids, and sell the house, but what else do I do? Any suggestions?
FLTC, any chance you can work it out with W via a mediator? Getting a lawyer will put you in a hole. For my STBXW and I we just sat down and worked everything out on paper and then did it online. There were a few minor arguments but we were civil with each other and tried to look out the best for the kids no matter what. I think in some way I'm very lucky that she has never been a material person and don't care about possessions and neither am I. I know my BIL is getting cleaned out by his W for a divorce. She wants everything. It is funny that 7 years of marriage and the only thing we've never ever argued over is money. Which is supposedly the major contributing factor towards divorces according to stats. It really helps not to be bitter toward the other person when you do this....
But yes, once you get served, everything is locked down to prevent some people from spend like crazy and etc. You just have to figure what works for the family and hopefully your W will be civil about it. That's probably the primary factor. If your W is out to take you to the cleaners then you have no choice but to get a L.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
