Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done D Final Soon. Need to Move On...

Thank you all! Sorry for the tardy response. I've been off the board for a couple months. Many things happened. Divorce became final, mother passed away. Been dealing with things ok though.

Since the D was final, the XW has been slowly coming out of the fog. The feelings of guilt and loss are starting to leak in. She now sends me e-mails like this:

"... I am grateful for you as the father of our wonderful kids, I am sorry our marriage came to an end, it was a painful decision and still is. The distance between us started long ago, not even a few years ago. I was lonely, and I think you were too. You look better than ever, you are engaged in your life, you seem like you are doing great, and I could not be happier. I am sad that I took so long to make my decision, it seems unfair to you and to [the kids], I should have done it sooner, I was scared for you and the kids. I tried to tell you I thought we weren’t connected anymore and wanted more from you, but in reality, it really came down to age difference, and just different places in our lives. I want to be your friend, I miss you as a friend, but I understand you must really hate me and be angry. I pray for you every day, and I don’t bad mouth you, I only say the best about you to [DD], she loves you. Anyway, that’s a lot of personal stuff, some day maybe we can talk more deeply, when you are ready.”

To me, what she has written reeks of guilt, self-justification, and a newfound sense of loss. I think that this may be because she just officially announced her engagement (she has been flashing her new ring around.) It just seems that, since she has now "closed the sale", she no longer feels the need or has the energy to keep those compartments tightly closed, so all the guilt, self-loathing and other stuff is starting to spew out. Hence, the self-justification, rewriting of the marital history, and attempts to have her cake and eat it too (see last sentence above).

As for me, I truly am gaining strength. I'm feeling good and looking to the future. By the time she gets married in May, I will care less and take it in stride.