Would love your advice/input on something I've been hung up on today.
What does it mean that H did things to deliberately hurt my feelings? We talk often about how H is just thinking about himself and isn't thinking about me, but H did things deliberately to hurt my feelings. H skipped out on Father's Day celebration w/ my family to hang out with OW. I didn't know that at the time, but later found out. When I asked him about it, he said that he did it on purpose to piss me off so that I would leave him.
So, H did do things to deliberately hurt me.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. What am I supposed to say/feel about this? I mean, he hurt me on purpose...how much am I supposed to forgive? I know I can, but Goodness! How much am I supposed to tolerate? Why would he do that? How could he do that to me?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
He's in a bad place. At least he is aware that he's behaving like a sh!t. Look, he had an affair, too. Don't you think that had something to do with you? don't you think part of him was just trying to deliberately hurt you? part of him?
It doesn't feel different to me. Maybe I am missing the significance?
I don't know this for sure, but I think that for some people, deliberately hurting the spouse, is their way of exercising their power in the relationship. They feel powerless to do other stuff, but they are able to precipitate conflict or cause pain, so that's what they do. not saying this is your R, but anyway something to think about.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
That is so hard; I can't believe your H would say something like that to you. (((Beth)))
Originally Posted By: Beth 83
When I asked him about it, he said that he did it on purpose to piss me off so that I would leave him.
First, I would 'Believe none of what they say, and 50% of what they do.....'
I would actually see this not as him deliberately trying to hurt you, even though he said he wanted to make you mad. IMHO he was probably thinking selfishly of himself and wanting to make his own life easier; easier for him if you leave him, right? If he can play the victim? and you are the 'aggressor' who wouldn't compromise and got mad about father's day? Then he's hard done by and you're the unreasonable one....
Whereas in actual fact, he is demonstrating the unreasonable behaviour.....
When I asked him about it, he said that he did it on purpose to piss me off so that I would leave him.
My H did a lot of this kind of stuff. I see it as "its not my fault" thinking. In fact pretty much all I hear is that. Lets face it, people having affairs (including OW) have to in some way excuse or justify their actions or they have to see themselves as the person responsible.
Since they are not taking responsibility for anything right now, the best they can do is try to make it your fault or your decision. My H did this to me, he pushed my buttons until I said get out. He knew my buttons and used them. I was in no shape then to see what was going on. Now I do. Best you can do is hide those buttons or don't let him push them...don't react.
Thanks guys, I definitely needed to here that today.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Sorry, i don't know fancy computer stuff to make the url look cuter and shorter
*dated at age 12- 15 (me) and age 13-16 (him) *reunited at age 19 (me) and age 20 (him) *me 23, H 25 *married 3 1/2 years, 1 d *dropped ILYBINILWY bomb on 12/19/07 *moved out same day, PA with OW confirmed
H left today to go down to Florida to help his mom plan their new house...
He e-mailed me this: "I'm on the plane waiting to take off for Daytona. My mom called me at 6:30 to make sure I was at the gate and to give me explicit instructions on how to meet her once I land. I had to remind her that I could just call her when I got there. "Oh! That's true, too."
Four days with my mom. Remind me why I agreed to this?"
He then talked about a funny lady that was on the plane.
My question here:
Yesterday, my C and I discussed how I need to start setting boundaries b/c H talks to me about things that are upsetting me (like seeing the wedding photographer). the same thing goes with this house. H knows how much I was into his parents building this house and now...it seems like I may never see it!
I was thinking about e-mail him back something to the manner of:
"Have fun in Florida. I truly want to share with you the fun you are going to have helping with the layout and the colors and the (funny to me) aggrevations that your mom is going to cause you. But, the fact of the matter is that there is a reason I'm not going down with you on this trip. In my heart of hearts I want to share with you your involvement in this project, but it is really hard for me to do that while we aren't together. I hope you understand."
What do you all think?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Just saw this as I was about to pop to bed. I'll have a think overnight UK and post in the morning- hope that will be OK- are you e-mailing back tonight US?
I bet Jeff will have some thoughts on this in the meantime- he's my e-mail response guru!
