Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Calling Corri

You're doing great, corri.

When you were a little kid, did you ever drape a blanket over the dining table or a couple of chairs and crawl into that private space... your own little world? That's the way I think of my bed. If you don't sleep with cats or dogs, you could even consider one of those mosquito net canopy things that hangs from a hoop attached to the ceiling and drapes all around the bed. Your bed should be a shrine to YOUR pleasure, joy, well-being, comfort, peace, and serenity.


One more teeny thing... I wish you would not make subtle self-put-down remarks like this: Just leave out the word "stupid," k? I like sleeping nude, too, but some nights I just can't get comfy unless I have on a nightgown or shirt or something. I need the fabric right next to my skin. I might take something off or put something on during one of the many times I wake up during the night.

I think it would be good to remove any judgments about your sleeping habits or practices that smack of any "pathology," i.e., something that should be other or something that is not right or healthy. Do what works for you... if that means sleeping in the bathtub, so be it.

I remember reading a biography of some woman writer from the 20's... maybe it was Agatha Christie... anyway, she was staying in Egypt... yes, it was Agatha Christi, because her husband was an archeologist. Anyway, the people there used to drag their mattresses out on the flat roofs in the summer because it was so hot inside. The whole town would be sleeping outside on these houses that were very close together. Another guy I read about lived in Alaska or northern Canada or somewhere and slept outside in a hammock, summer and WINTER. Yup. Even with the snow falling all around!

You know you could start something here. BTW in SW Asia the roofs are sleeping areas in the Summer.

As far as you pounding the keyboard with a little more zeal than the average poster that just how our Cori is. No worries.

{{{{Corri}}}}}}
I hope they find something to get you better, sorry about the problems. As the BB resident member of the evil health insurance industry, keep those premiums up.

There are times when I'm thinking my life has issues and I then think about all the things that everyone else is going through and realize I need to keep my perspective. My main crisises being not getting laid and the the spouse being laid off.

This weekend I had my voice on the radio locally as my group is sponsoring another local group's radio program and I can look forward to being on the program at a later date as an interviewee and later as a special guest interviewer. It will be great fun.

My spouse is job hunting and has also decided to clean house so the place is in that "there is stuff all over" as we organize.

Corri, find your way to relax and center that can always help. A new book by a favorite author or od'ing on ones favorite show on DVD can't hurt either.

Scott
-Who is going terminally nerdy next year by becoming a chair of an SF convention.

Lil:



Thanks, Lil. That give me a lovely warm fuzzy to hear you say that.



That is a very good point. Ahem. There is no reason in the world why I should minimize what I need, like, or find comforting, for whatever reason.

I LOVE those net canopies. I'm actually going to look into this. Lots of times when I have insomnia, I lay down in my living room. on a white sheep skin rug the bf had bought me. I light a fire in my fire place and set myself up on the rug, with cozy blankets and fluffy pillows, and I just stare at the fire. It's almost like watching a fish tank, which I would get, but I travel too much. My cat will usually come and cozy up next to me on the rug under the blanket...

... I suppose all I really need to do is add the classical music and find a really good book... I haven't read in months... used to consume books like a machine...

Another thing I recently owned about myself is that I need a sense of security and emotional reassurance in an R. I really used to downplay, even ignore these needs because I typically involve myself with emotionally unavailable men. (That's where putting down my needs probably comes from). They may be good at providing security, but they are not so good with emotional reassurance (at least in a way that is meaningful to me. For them to give me what I need the way I need it is usually the very thing they cannot/will not give). Given that, I end up in a Passion Trap/power struggle.

So... these things I must keep in the forefront of my mind when in search of a new R. Those needs can actually undermine one another, because if I am feeling 'secure,' I can sacrifice my need for emotional reassurance, or vice versa. The former happened with my xH, and the latter happened with my xbf.

It is a good insight to have about myself. Now... finding one of those men, who can do both, is the kicker... because I don't want to be... 'fathered.' <-- That kills my sex drive.

Welp, I suppose this is why God invented dating. I just have to get through the 'chemical' phase first, before I can determine this about a man... otherwise, I'm just investing my beliefs in a biological cocktail.

How's that for Type 5 analysis? LOL.

Thanks, Lil.

THIS sounds absolutely wonderful! Now, there's a part of me that would put myself in this scenario, but then I wouldn't let myself enjoy it (i.e., I'd only give myself a grade of B), because this kind of pleasure only counts when you're sharing it with a lover (THAT rates a grade of A). Note to self: stop this kind of thinking!


This is ABSOLUTELY me. Note to self: look out for this tendency in future R's.

Just journaling.

I had a meeting at 4 p.m. today with some clients who need web work. Let's just say, I used to work for the... entity... from whom they (my client) are from... and when I worked there... I was known as a bit of a cowboy. I hate red tape. Loathe it. I was more along the lines of a person who begged forgiveness, rather than asked permission. Honestly... if I did the latter, I'd never get anything done.

So I left said entity... and became one of their biggest freelancers. When these clients come calling, they rec.all for me a time in my life that is now past (when I was married, and said xH also worked for said x-entity).

I always thought that my... reputation was built upon my xH's. You know? They knew him, so they knew me... I was a corporate wife... anything I got was because of him...

But. It turns out... that is surprisingly, not the case. I actually have people who know and like me and respect me, at least professionally, for whatever it is I seemed to have accomplished while at said entity.

Case in point, today's meeting. And given my job and that I have been doing it for some time, I know a few things about this and that. I so love it when a young whipper snapper (whom I admire very much, btw), comes up against me and starts putting me through my paces... because, by golly, I'm not doing things HIS way and it is HIS server.

Now. I've done this countless times before. It's okay. And I defer whenever possible, especially in big meetings, because I don't like giving a puppy an ear wax in public. But he just kept pushing and being almost disrespectful about things. So. In a very... non-Corri like, non-pointy-witch shoes kind of way... I lead this young pup to his own demise. For in my mind, he gave me know choice... he was trying to make an azz of me, and pimp himself up, if you kwis.

I don't like going head-to-head with professionals in a professional setting and purposely stripping anyone of their dignity... but when someone attacks... and seems to have to sense of respect coming this way... believe it or not... I do have a silky smooth, non-pointy witch shoes way of coming back. So I did.

Which kind of made me feel bad. In mid-stride, he said to me... do you know such and such, and so and so? Me: Well yeah, of course I do. Him. Well they said you were a bit of a cowboy. Me. Yippe Cayyaeah. He laughed. We got to talking about people, places, things... in this meeting, where no one else knew what we were talking about... and I sez... I'd very much like to continue this convo with you. Perhaps over lunch sometime. But I think we need to get back to x, y, z, so these kind people here can go home.

Blah, blah, blah.

So. The point in all this was... I knew... know... some very interesting people in my town... who remember me for me... not as someone's extension (who, btw, always said, was HIS name that people knew me for who I was...). And this little side convo was kind of a jolt for me. How far down I had gotten in my self-esteem... thinking that when I left my M... no one would want to know me... or know about me... or who I was, or what I had become. Basically, I had withdraw from my own little society... based upon a truth I had never thought to challenge.

Last weekend I went to dinner in a restaurant and saw two people with whom I had been very good friends when I was at dinner. They came over to me... hellos, hugs and kisses all over the place. I was... literally... stunned. She even said to me, "let's get together."

I went home and told the boys who I had seen, and what had happened, and my youngest said to me... "oh... they still talk to you?"

Me: "Yeah... why would you even ask such a thing?"

YS: "They are dad's friends."

Me: "They are my friends, too, and they can talk to me, just as they talk to your dad, and that's okay."

YS: "Not according to dad."

Me: "I'm sorry your dad sees it that way."

And I don't even think it's according to their dad. More along the lines of 'dad's' family. Another story.

Long way of saying... tonight, after work... I started sending out emails to people I used to work with, people whom I once considered friends... that I actually liked spending time with... even new people I had met, but maybe didn't know so well, but seemed to have an affinity for... just saying hello... maybe see if they wanted to do lunch, or dinner, or a drink, just to gab, catch up...

and it felt good.

I reached out, on my own, not worrying if anyone writes back... but sure that someone will, at some point. Plant a seed, kind of thing.

I'm not someone's echo. I'm me. I have my own things, that people like, that they want to know... beyond my x spouse, who was very good at what he did... but so was I, in my own right.

I was very, very good. So much so... they called me Cowboy.

How cool is that?

What would IC say?

Gloves off, girl. Never take the hit. Don't go looking for it... but if it finds you...

Eh. Everyone wants to be Wayne Gretzky.

Sigh.

You do what you do, because you do it, and that's the way you do it to get things done. Period.

Eh.

I used to be very good at what I did. I'm still good. I'm just one of those... people... that got in the face of what was... did what I could in doing so... and then I moved on. Cuz it sucked too much out of me.

At least someone remembers it. That's kinda cool, huh?

Close! Only one problem Cowboy....we live in Yzerman territory

I happen to own an Yzerman jersey. I do believe, if I remember, correctly, the first time I wore it... I had white thigh highs on... and got laid... rather well and thoroughly...