Looking inside to fix yourself is extremely frightening, espcially if you have a poor sense of self to start with. If you have a beautiful car, or house, that needs work you will do it. But if it is a real wreck, then you can think, what is the point, and try a coat of paint.
This IS my husband to a T. He even has said that going to counseling was terribly hard word. AND that he KNOWS he has a hole but doesn't believe he can be fixed. I stated above that he has ego and PRIDE and HE DOES....but deep underneath the arrogance is a sweet little boy just aching with no sense of SELF.
Quote:
That is why in reconnection their approach to us is very tentative - in fact it is so slight we may not notice it. It is this that can make us too twitchy about 'signs' in the early stages of Replay. It doesn't matter if we miss the early signs of reconnection: in fact it might be better. Like watching for spring to come. There are false starts, and then we notice that there are several unmistakable signs. But like SPring, it happens in its own time. We can be stupid and take off our winter clothes too soon!.
What a great analoge. SPRING...and yes it does its own thing when it is ready. AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE the reminder that it might be better we don't notice
Quote:
and all would testify that it is hard. not for the fainthearted. We all think in the early stages how much we would like the opportunity . . . .
I smiled as I read this part. One thing I actually LIKE about myself is that I DONT give up. AND it seems that I have noticed something very important. Those whom the MLC'r have come back to tend to be very STRONG people who HAVE GROWN. AND ARE UP for the battle set forth AFTER they return. I have been AMAZED with the character and strength of these people. Absolutely amazed.
I am trying NOT to focus on the return for now because I truthfully believe it is very far out. BUT I do believe that he will come home. BECAUSE as I have said before WHEN GOD grabs ahold of him and he grabs back --- he will be broken and as he walks through that valley I will gladly walk with him. I have told him this...he knows me and knows the level of friendship that I offer those closest to me. I DONT QUIT on people
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I just got reading debs post. Hers was not one of reconsiliation but WOW do i feel like she gained in the end.
What I saw was that he DID return. The prediction seems to be true..but SHE was done.
I wonder is that the norm. Is that what is to come for me and my H?
I have a friend, divorced and remarried to a wonderful man....she seems adament about me getting divorced in March (that is is when the year is up) I AM not planning on filing for many reasons. AND FOR NOW I am good with that...but am I a fool?
What difference does it make if we have a peice of paper or if they are sleeping or livign with another woman? Why does it matter if we yes WE hte LBS walk forward and say "If you want me you have to come after me all over again???"
Today I really dont know. In my h's heart it is over- HE IS DIVORCED and he has found the way of the world. It is just a peice of paper.. Is it? Am I a fool?
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Cagz, I can tell you that I am feeling similarly. Also that DB C tells me that such ambivalence is normal and to be expected.
I don't have answers there. I have noticed some progress in our situation but H needs to do so many things to get his act together, and I am not sure if I think he can.
Looks as if we are in a similar timeframe. I am certainly going to be doing some evaluating at my year situation. I don't know if I have to make a decision then but I definitely want to do some evaluating.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Cagz, Thanks for taking the time to read my posts! Yes, I DID gain in the end! No, my story isn't one of reconciliation; but, it has a much happier ending! Yes, when my exH decided to return, I was done. I only attempted the reconciliation because I felt I owed it to my children and to my marriage vows. But, in all truthfulness, my HEART wasn't in it anymore....I had moved on.
I wish I could tell you what is in the future for you and your H, but I cannot. All I can tell you is to not dwell on what MIGHT be, one way or the other; but, to focus on YOU! Take this time to develop yourself. Find your strengths and use them to help you grow as a woman and a person. Trust in the Lord and remember that HE knows what is best for you. And, NO, you are not a fool for not filing for divorce....to file or not file, to stand or not stand...those are personal choices.
Most people say cheat..gone. I did before. I always told my H never hit me, never cheat..or I am gone. I think he figured I would throw him out day one, of course, I didn't at first. (he never hit me,BTW) But, it is very hard for me. I have very mixed feeling about all this. Most people do not support it. I think after all this time and a good marriage, its worth some time to see what this is all about.
Several years back when my ex was beginning his crisis, but I did not know it at the time, he said to me "If we get divorced, we can always get remarried".
I thought at the time, what a weird statement, we are so happy. I just thought he was joking, or kidding around. I really did not pay much attention to it.
Now I realize he at that time was in a deep emotional affair and struggling with his morality and what he was doing.
My ex is one that always has to start anew. If he has failed at something he has to start completely over until he gets it right.
I believe my ex needed to get divorced. He in a sense forced me into it by his behavior both financially and morally.
He will either start over with me or find another. Only time will tell. I am feeling very detached lately. My heart does not ache as much as it use to. I don't have a lot of anxiety anymore when I see him.
I am worried that if I ever get him back, I will toss him away. Just like he did to me and the family. I wonder if this is more of a challenge for me than anything now. I am a very competitive person and I always like my way and I always like to win (I'm working on this). I am afraid that it might be too late for me.
To be intimate with him again turns my stomach. Not because I don't love him anymore, but because he has completely and utterly hurt all the people I love. Can you really give yourself completely to someone who you lost faith in?
Don't get me wrong, I am still standing. I pray alot about this hoping that God will give me the strength.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
wow the honesty in all of your post really touched me.
One thing I can say is that I do know wondering if/when whatever causes so much pain - and making my own descions for my life is so wonderful.
God has been showing up in big ways with me the last few weeks. I have hope as I haven't had in a year. I dont dwell on will we or wont we. Just what the heck am I doing.
I know that I have read time and time again I need to move on with MY life. This is so true. The MLCer --- what is he really? I dont know. The person the shell- it isn't my H.
What is amazing to me about the stories of almost everyone on here...it seems to me that almost everyone that I have met was a LBS that really would have given our spouses space to grow IF we would have understood what is inside of them. BUT it isn't the way that it worke.d
I would have stood beside him and befriended him - I offered...he was here then he couldn't hold up the one boundary no ow. He needed his fix. so here I am....and today and yesterday I was pretty ok.
will he come back? dunno....he is sure dark and away right now...further than he has been at all in this entire ordeal. I guess I am not suppose to be surprised. he is truly that displays "out of sight out of mind...."
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
This is a very true statement. And the reconnection, I think, does take some time, so much in fact, that we wonder when they will finally break out and make their move back home!!!!!!!!
My H has been reconnecting with the kids a little at a time over the past let's say 9 months.
It is much harder for him to do this with the girls because of the awful things he said to them which he does not remember, and on New Year's Day, he sat in his fav recliner and fell asleep!! He has not fallen asleep in that chair since he lived at home!!
As far as reconnecting with me--nothing of the sort from an intimate perspective but he is doing things for me--a lot of things such as paying for the car repairs, taking it upon himself to put gas in the car, etc.
This is where patience is a must and sometimes it can take its toll on us but we have to have the strength to keep it up.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
The last three posts really touched me - they show so much grace and honesty.
Reconnection - I am starting to see how it is different from the touch and goes. I also understand [I think] why some have shorter and shorter cycles, and others have longer and longer ones, in their touch and goes.
They have to feel safe: they have caused such terrible damage that they can't fully contemplate it; they have never felt unconditionally loved. I believe that is at the bottom of all MLC. Somehow their parenting was defective, and although we did love them, they didn't feel worthy. That is why an external crisis so often seems to provoke MLC. It brings to the foreground a whole lot of things they stuffed away.
Unconditional love is testing - we have to become Christlike to practise this, and we cannot do it on our own. We simply can't.
So I would say - do not worry about how you would feel if your spouse wants to come home - give it to God, and He wil give you the strength and grace to do it.
Detaching makes us less hurt by their behaviour, so that we respond and don't react. They have been reacted to all of their lives, and not responded to. I realise that in my marriage, though from my perspective very happy, I was concerned about having my own needs met, rather than meeting my h's needs. It is difficult in any case to every be 'good enough' for the MLCer, even before they plunge into the crisis, and I think that many us experience that, perhaps without fully recognising it, and so we focus on making the marriage work for us. And the MLCer comes along for the ride.
This is not to say we should be doormats, but have anough strength and confidence to be able to respond appropriately to the other person.
Yes, when my exH decided to return, I was done. I only attempted the reconciliation because I felt I owed it to my children and to my marriage vows. But, in all truthfulness, my HEART wasn't in it anymore....I had moved on.