Cagz, You aren't going to like this but my H has done all of these things and more (like he has lived with OW as if they were married virtually since the moment he met her) AND for me it is over TWO years.
Both our Hs are very lost in all of this. Yes they are both saying they are 'done' with us. That hurts. It may well be the truth it well not be. Nobody except them knows. HOWEVER we do know how we are feeling and we CAN deal with that.
As for other men hitting on you. Seems like I had/have similar issues to you concerning my body and I haven't had anyone 'hit' on me either. But you know what I would'nt want them to. With a MLC H, 3 teenagers, 2 jobs and a degree to study for I don't think I have room in my life for another man right now. I've also found that once men know I'm not interested in a relationship that the ones who are actually interested in me as a person (and not what I can offer between the sheets) actually relax around me and have become good friends.
Don't let being a R or not define who you are. You are Cagzmom that is all that matters. If you end up being an improved version of the already wonderful you well then wayhey
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Cagz, You aren't going to like this but my H has done all of these things and more (like he has lived with OW as if they were married virtually since the moment he met her) AND for me it is over TWO years.
Both our Hs are very lost in all of this. Yes they are both saying they are 'done' with us. That hurts. It may well be the truth it well not be. Nobody except them knows. HOWEVER we do know how we are feeling and we CAN deal with that.
As for other men hitting on you. Seems like I had/have similar issues to you concerning my body and I haven't had anyone 'hit' on me either. But you know what I would'nt want them to. With a MLC H, 3 teenagers, 2 jobs and a degree to study for I don't think I have room in my life for another man right now. I've also found that once men know I'm not interested in a relationship that the ones who are actually interested in me as a person (and not what I can offer between the sheets) actually relax around me and have become good friends.
Don't let being a R or not define who you are. You are Cagzmom that is all that matters. If you end up being an improved version of the already wonderful you well then wayhey
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Question for you with your H- are you D yet? Does he pursue that? Just wondering
No we are not D yet. Yes he is pursuing it. He started with the financial stuff which we are supposed to be finalising the end of this month. He then moved on to requesting a D based on 2yrs separation. I have refused. His latest is to threaten to D me on grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour if I don't conform to his original request. I am standing my ground. It's probably not very good DBing BUT it is what I have to do for me. It's a tough call b/c I only have a VERY slim chance of winning and even if I do if we are still separated after 5yrs he can get a D then w/o my consent. So the question for me now is it worth risking wasting all that money? I can't answer my own question but only continue to stall things and pray like there is no tomorrow that my H will see the light and come home.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
wierd thing happened today - i think i did it right. H text he was getting my d11 signed up for softball. (good for him...whatever!)
Then I didn't respond immediately so he called - left me a voice mail. I didn't call back till about an hour later...his message was about sizes for her.
in the conversation i was able to express to him that d11 really didn't like seeing her dad kiss ow. it wasn't huge as she told me she turned her head...but it was something she wished he wouldn't do. Of course he had some lame bs and apologized to me..I said don't apologize to me apologize to yuor daughter.
so i took care of what needed to be handled and called him back with the answers. (in regards to softball). he was all "Down and sad" so I said.."Whats wrong p?" lots of i dont know, not a good day bla bla bla...I said you know I am your friend - at least I hope you do..he said yeah....then openned up (took a little while like he was almost being disloyal to ow...or that is how I felt!!)
Anyway- he goes on about how he doesn't like himself right now, this and that and sad and stuff. I listened and didn't try to give answers (WHICH IS NEW for me.) Of course bimbo got brought up that he knows she can't make him happy - and that he wants to do things right this time.." Anyway I let him unload a little.
I asked him about his meds - he said it didn't seem like it was working. I just said be careful...he said he didn't think he was where he was this summer (suicide attempt). He said he was compinsating or somthing this summer-I said what I remember was a pretty mean, arrogant person - adn you were making lots of money ... he said yeah i know.
told him i cared, i will always be his friend. that was it. he did talk about bimbo how she would handle his phone call..that she would say thigns are great look at this and that...I said well what is good in your life and he said d11. I said that is true. Then i said P you have everything you wanted. You have no responisbilites, you aren't married (in your mind), your free, you have ow you should be happy...he said yeah I know.
he said that she knows his financial secrets (he is really broke etc.) he said he wants to be open with her and not hide things from her like he did with me. i did say - i dont know what happened, I am still kinda confused but i wont push you on it. he said..neither do i...
again i said - just remember i care and if you need me i am here...and we left it at that.
i don't know what he is up to. It has been awhile since HE has openned up to me. (i think October).We have talked -- i have always told him i will be his friend- but today was different.
he likes her/loves her whatever he is in a good place with her. she knows what is really going on -so there are no secrets. they don't do anything - so she is ok with sitting around. he is gone... or is there hope??!!!
good grief i hate this!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Take the peek out w/ zero expectations...be prepared coz sometimes they run back or spew after a peek...infact do nothing carry on like he was the neighbor down street confiding in you and leave it at that.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
My h did that to me too. It hurt like he11 to hear him talking about the ow but he knew he had me to talk to. They are not happy, if he was he wouldn't let you know those things. He knows something isn't right with him and that is good.
I think you did well with the conversation. Just listen and validate when he calls.
Hang in there, you let him know you are there for him and it will hit him eventually.
