I was just wondering if you could tell me what the Passion Trap recommends the person who finds herself in a one-up position should do to stop a dysfunctional cycle from developing? I don't get turned-off when this happens but I am finding that my natural tendency is to vibe cow and be kind in order to bring things back to equilibrium and I guess I'm wondering if that isn't counter-productive. For instance, if I was in a relationship with a guy who initiated sex every night, I would probably not initiate sex because my needs/wants would be satisfied but if he said something to me like "I feel like you don't really desire me because you never initiate sex." I would initiate sex and the reason I would do it would be because I would feel sympathy or empathy for him and want to be kind.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
(Mojo) I was just wondering if you could tell me what the Passion Trap recommends the person who finds herself in a one-up position should do to stop a dysfunctional cycle from developing?
Why are you trying so hard? If a captain of industry who's attractive by his own description gets one-down to a woman in a distant town after a week or two of long distance interaction, so be it. Own him for as long as you enjoy it.
If and when you find you no longer enjoy it, move on.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Why are you trying so hard? If a captain of industry who's attractive by his own description gets one-down to a woman in a distant town after a week or two of long distance interaction, so be it. Own him for as long as you enjoy it.
If and when you find you no longer enjoy it, move on.
Good question/comments. I don't have a good answer except to say that I don't really feel like I'm trying very hard. More like I'm hanging out back at the roller rink I frequented when I was a teenager and now that I'm skating forward with confidence (especially when they play "Brick House" which was always my song-lol)I'm thinking "I used to know how to skate backwards. How did that go?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
(Mojo) ...now that I'm skating forward with confidence ... I'm thinking "I used to know how to skate backwards. How did that go?"
When you get bored with your skating it makes sense to take on a new project. If you start taking on relationship projects, it might be time to chill out.
When you get out of one relationship you can't wait to plunge into the next; at some point you're going to have to get comfortable being in your own company.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Brick house means fuller figured, big thighs big booty and big tits.
Back in the day of out houses, if you had a brick out house, it was a great out house. a brick out house. so if a woman is built like a brick house, she has a great body.
The original phrase is, "She's built like a brick s--thouse." That's the reason for the pause with the horn fill between the words "brick" and "house."
I see Mo isn't a shrinking violet.
Who will be my Du (dude) enna? I will pass. I don't have enough experience. I think I can learn a few things following your thread. Best wishes Mojo.
Actually, to me it sounds like you are more the One Down, rather than the One Up... because of the sympathy/empathy factor. Your sense of self worth is being trumped by emotional manipulation.
I'd say in your first M, you may have been the Sweet One Down.
Keep in mind that One Ups are typically emotionally distant or unavailable, and there is usually a very firm sense of 'in controllness' to them...
No offense, but you don't really hit me like this, regardless of how much your self-esteem issues have improved.
You sound more like "The Echo." I can email you the description if you want... but in order to bring yourself back into balance, a situation like you described would actually require of you to actually challenge the man's willingness to be close to you in a reasuring manner... outright risking the rejection you so fear. If his response and subsequent behavior failed to reassure you, you would actually confront the situation, telling yourself that you can 'survive on your own.' You would pull back rather than relive another demoralizing One Down experience. THAT is counter-intuitive for you.
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I would initiate sex and the reason I would do it would be because I would feel sympathy or empathy for him and want to be kind.
This is duty sex, Mo. That is the EXACT thing that propels an LD to have sex... and what eventually, completely and utterly destroys their sex drive.
Actually, to me it sounds like you are more the One Down, rather than the One Up... because of the sympathy/empathy factor. Your sense of self worth is being trumped by emotional manipulation.
I'd say in your first M, you may have been the Sweet One Down.
Keep in mind that One Ups are typically emotionally distant or unavailable, and there is usually a very firm sense of 'in controllness' to them...
No offense, but you don't really hit me like this, regardless of how much your self-esteem issues have improved.
Maybe I should spell out the sich. FSG was calling me every night and I was cool with that because I enjoyed our conversations and the attention but I was in no way committed to an exclusive relationship with him and I made that pretty clear. The other night he said something to me like "I know you are less optimistic about this relationship than me because you never call me." So to me that seemed like he was feeling insecure and one-down and asking for reassurance. I thoroughly agree that my reaction which was to feel empathy/sympathy and want to reassure him is a sign of me falling back into my natural tendency towards a sweet one-down groove and that is why I asked you about it.
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You sound more like "The Echo." I can email you the description if you want... but in order to bring yourself back into balance, a situation like you described would actually require of you to actually challenge the man's willingness to be close to you in a reasuring manner... outright risking the rejection you so fear. If his response and subsequent behavior failed to reassure you, you would actually confront the situation, telling yourself that you can 'survive on your own.' You would pull back rather than relive another demoralizing One Down experience. THAT is counter-intuitive for you.
I think I'm confused but isn't this more like what he actually did by mentioning that it bothered him that I never called rather than what I should do in response?
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This is duty sex, Mo. That is the EXACT thing that propels an LD to have sex... and what eventually, completely and utterly destroys their sex drive.
I can see how this would be true. That is why I was thinking it would be counter-productive even though we're talking phone calls rather than sex. Since I have actually learned a thing or two from being on this BB I didn't give him a "duty" phone call "just to be nice" but instead sent him a goofy e-mail on the topic of the Nancy Drew mystery we are solving together because the thing I like best about him is that he has a fun, active monkey imagination like me.
Perhaps I'm not doing a very good job of expressing this with all my silly cries for assistance but I'm really feeling very little need for sexual/relationship validation these days. I'm dating because it's fun and I want to get laid and I'm open to ther possibility of more. However, BB is right to slap my little monkey paw because I really should be spending more time on the Wealth quadrant of my life. Actually, I probably waste more time hanging out around the water cooler here than I do dating. It just makes me sad to think about how bored you guys would be if I didn't post (sniff).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think I'm confused but isn't this more like what he actually did by mentioning that it bothered him that I never called rather than what I should do in response?
Your initial impulse was to 'do' something for him out of empathy/sympathy... old pattern, you recognize. The ISSUE, however, is that you have not, in fact, met yet, and you have, in fact, been clear with him on this 'exclusiveness' thing. To me, the man should be hopping on a plane to come and see YOU, if he is, in fact, worried about this: "I know you are less optimistic about this relationship than me because you never call me."
My first response would be... "HUH? How are you coming to that conclusion?"
Point in fact, he is Captain of Industry, and if he has so much disposable income as to fly YOU around, he has the money to fly himself around. Honestly, I think it more appropriate for him to fly and see you the first time...
So what he was, in essence, inviting you to do... is 'pursue' him. Nice ego jolt for the emotionally distant/unavailable. I can promise you... you start doing that... he will start calling less, and let it all fall in your lap... calling, emailing... etc. He needs someone to take care of the R, kind of thing. EU people will do that... and your cow is going to come climbing out... ewh. He hasn't EARNED your cow, Mo... you owe this guy NOTHING.
On your end... you are just fine and dandy with how you feel about him at this point. I suppose the next time he calls, or drops some hint to that effect again, you can say... 'whether I call or not has nothing to do with my optimism about our phone relationship. Actually, I think it is rather well placed, considering we have not yet met. I think it is good to 'want things, to wish for things. Keeps things interesting, don't you think?' Or some Mojo way of saying that.
You throw it back in his lap in a teasing fashion, but you don't go in and 'rescue' him by now starting to call. Men like to pursue, especially someone they aren't all that sure of... on your end... you have to SIT on your cow... and understand that the most empathetic thing you can do for this guy is make him work for something, if he really has an interest. If things come too easily for them... they get bored... because you start running the R FOR them. Can you say... Secretary to your C of I?
Like NOP says... why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Right now, the guy is 'buying the cow.' Don't worry. It's good for him.
