Thanks Sage! I have a great, beautiful picture of a place called "rainbow falls". It is on the big island. We saw it on our vacation. I don't know how to post it, but I know everyone would just relax, and revel in it's beauty. If you know how I can post it, let me know.
Also, got an email from H today. I had sent him two to his email that he uses when he's on trips, one never arrived, the other he got. I dont' know what's wrong with me, I read between the lines of his email. I think to myself that he didn't write he missed me, etc. Must not miss me, must not be in love, etc. WTF?? Anyway, I'm going to post it here so you guys can throw some 2 x 4's at me and maybe get me out of my bad pattern of thinking.
Also, last night I re-read the b-day card H gave me (from Mar. 31) where he wrote "ILY with all my heart", and the letter he wrote me on Valentine's Day. But then I think to myself, "well, that's not now, that's from a while ago, maybe his feelings changed". UGH.
Here's the email (he signed it PGAWNABE - as in PGA wannabe, because he's such a great golfer, kind of like an inside joke between us).
Hi Sweetie, I just got this E mail. All is well here and I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I have been working some long hours and every time I go to call you I look at the Time and it is o dark thirty in the AM there. Nothing else has been happening here. Yesterday I worked from 0100-3 PM today. I went back and slept until 7 PM tonight and came to work at 8 PM. I will work until around 1o AM or later and do the same thing. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you all today and for the past couple of days. And I will try to call you in the next few days. I wanted you to know I have only received one E mail from you. I do not know where the other one went to..
I Love you, Your PGAWNABE Forever!!!!! H
Thats a nice letter, right? Why can't I stop analyzing it? Like, when he wrote about how he was thinking about "you all", meaning me and the kids, I think to myself, "well, he wasn't really thinking of me, just us", get it? Man, I wish I could just take it like it is.
Quote: I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and wondering how you are doing
second sentance...he misses YOU was thinking about YOU wondering about YOU..
Quote: every time I go to call you I look at the Time
he wants to call you but the time difference is making it difficult...
Quote: I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you all today and for the past couple of days.
could mean he was thinking of YOU all day but hey he told you just YOU that he was thinking of YOU in the second sentance so if he wants to include the kids that's a good thing...after all he didn't say...I was thinking of the kids today he was thinking of all of you.
Quote: I wanted you to know I have only received one E mail from you.
could he be asking you to send him more e-mails...more hellos??
here's a thought...if he's reluctant to call due to the time change...is there a way you could turn down the ringer to not disturb the kiddos?? if you are too asleep to answer at least he could leave a message???
I only have a second so I can't respond to your insightful post just yet....but let me throw this question out to you...
why do YOU think that you keep analyzing and negatively reading between the lines? What are you gaining by doing that? Or, as Dr. Phil would say: what payback are you getting?
Are you trying to control the situation? (Better to create a negative scenario than live with uncertainty?) Are you setting yourself up so when your "assumed" inevitable happens you won't have so far to fall? Something else?
You H's email screamed love and reassurance and commitment to me. If you can figure out why you shy away from that, you'll be able to overcome it.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi guys. Thanks for the insight into this. It helps so much. I figured out why I just can't stop analyzing his emails. When he was deployed last year, he sent some emails during the last two months of deployment (during his EA) and they weren't very loving. He would write I miss the kids and you. Love, H. Nothing much else. once in a while he would write "ILY". That was during the time he had lost feelings for me. I guess I'm just trying to see if this is like those emails, and if he really is still in love with me, or losing his feelings.
I know it's hard for him to express his feelings, in writing or speaking. He shows his love mostly by actions, so maybe that's what I'm missing. I know I also want the security back that I had while I was clueless last year (b/4 bomb). But I know that's not possible yet.
I know it's going to take a lot of time to get over everything that's happened in the past year, maybe I'm rushing things? I don't know.
I have also decided that I will not "tell" H what to do about having lunch with that lady and getting his bag back. I would like for him to just deal with the loss of a $10.00 bag, and if he wants dive pictures, he can dive here and take pictures. This person is so insignificant to his life that it shouldn't be a loss. But I feel that if he does decide to go to lunch with her, I will not be happy, and I don't know how I will respond to it.
He told me to get rid of a friend I had for many years (not that great of a friend lately, and an X-lover, but he had been a friend only for many years, even b/4 I met H). Anyway, he said that it made him uncomfortable, I told friend that our friendship was over, he flipped out, all info. in a previous post on another thread.
Anyway, I don't think it would be fair to have double standards, especially if he wants to be friends with someone who is friends w/ex-EA. I don't think that's fair, or proper. I will tell him how I feel about it, remind him that he did say that he wanted to put that deployment, and those people behind him for good, and let him take it from there. Hopefully, he will make the choice that's good for our marriage.
I turned on the TV yesterday for the kids (it has been raining here off and on for days). Dr. Phil was on talking about trust, didn't get to watch it because kids were around and it's too adult for them. Did anyone catch it?
Quote: Dr. Phil was on talking about trust, didn't get to watch it because kids were around and it's too adult for them. Did anyone catch it?
no but usually you can read about the previous days show on his website...
things can and will get easier...we just have to remember to take it one day at a time (god how I hate that phrase...my h keeps using it on me but it's so true)
H called today! Yeah! He was very loving, etc. Said he can't wait to come home, misses me, and the kids, said "ILY very much". I told him how happy I was that he called. He said he was pretty busy, but wanted to suprise me with a call. I told him that I was getting kind of sad with him being gone, and I that I had gotten nervous that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said ILY very much, and he understands my feelings, but his feelings are real and strong.
Calmed me down quite a bit. I just can't wait until he's home.
Visiting wise friends on the board, catching up with you, gleaning insight.
You are so cool -- I am really jazzed by your honesty about everything, including sex. Yep. I relate, it's hard. It's very hard to let go and be vulnerable and open again. KML is right -- we punish ourselves by withholding -- but we've been axed, so we're wary. It's hard.
Me, I've been self-absorbed lately, my sitch took a turn to OUCHVILLE -- other chick back in the picture, H moved out again (second time). Big set-back.
But I am surfacing faster than last time. Not gonna drown this time.
Don't wanna go into my stuff here, but just want to say how much I appreciate your sharing about being scared and mistrustful, as well as about recovery and rainbows. It's all in the soup, you know?
I beat myself up whenever I get freaked out, but that just doesn't help anything.
Reading your posts and everyone's replies, I just feel better. I so totally relate to the fear, obsessing, anger, hurt at all the betrayals, wondering if the pain will ever completely heal.
And then the hard climb uphill alone DB-ing -- when do we get the award?
At the podium, gold statue in hand: "I want to thank Teach and all my friends on the BB, and Michele, for their loving collaboration..."
Dream on.
Anyway, hon, I just want to thank you for your forthrightness and sharing. You really, really, really are helping me.
Hi everyone. Well, I really should change the title of this thread to "I know I want this". I do, I thought about it so much lately, I want what we have now. But, I don't want the insecurities that go along with it. I'm sure in time it will pass, but right now, while H is gone, my insecurities are at an all time high.
H emailed one time while he was gone, and called once to let me know he got there and again on Friday or Saturday (can't remember which day).
I emailed him the other day and sent an e-card "thinking of you". I know he read them yesterday because I got a receipt from the e-card. Well, during the EA he had last year, he would read my mail and not reply, not call, nothing. I was lucky if I got an email once a week, and a call from him every once in a blue moon, the calls and emails were all very basic (how are kids, etc., not very loving). Now that he's read my mail and not replying, I think that it puts me back to last year (at least in my mind). All of the questions are there like: why hasn't he written back? Why hasn't he called? What if he's in touch w/ex-EA, what if he's in touch with woman from 6 years ago (the one that he "thought about" but nothing ever came of it)?
All of these thoughts are running around in my head. I try so hard to not think about it. I already thought about barraging him w/questions after he gets home tomorrow, of course I'd give him to relax first, lol. I want to ask: are you happy? Are you still in love with me? Are you in contact with ex-ea, or woman from 6 years ago? I know I shouldn't ask those questions. I'm also scared that if I ask him to be honest, maybe he will tell me things I DON'T want to hear like : yes, I've had contact, no I'm not sure I'm in love with you, no I'm not really happy.
UGH! The crap that goes along with being the one that got hurt really sucks.
Jill - I hope you didn't ask him all those questions! Hope he's doing well and you are enjoying having him back. Be carefule about slipping into the "victim" role - we all know our Ses did wrong things, but also know we contributed our share to the marriage problems. Quote from my calendar today:
Quote: The highest reward for one's toil is not what one gets for it, but what one becomes by it. -John Ruskin
