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(((((W8ing)))))

We are happy....for the most part.

I am glad for that. I hope that you and your D's are having a great new year. I especially hope that he gets his S together and gets back to being a good dad. So many men rely on their W's to be the caretakers, I wonder about that.


Yeah, things are definately in flux here.

I'm not as affected by it as I once was though.

I've been doing well with ignoring bad behavior, and just acting as-if. With grace and style too. Well, as much as I had before all this anyway.


I often wonder if it would be easier with her gone.

Doesn't matter though, things are what they are, I'm giving her space, and doing what I should have been doing at the beginning of her MLC. Also, every day together without fighting is good for the kids. I know that things look bad, and I am planning for the worst, but I owe it to the kids to do every last thing possible until the last possible minute, to save our family. (I still want it to work too, I still love her, and she is still my best friend.)

I'm doing a bang up job at controlling my anger and frustration, and not letting her push my buttons.

There was some reading that helped my understanding of what is going on inside of her.

It really hurt.

It also helped me detach. It let me get a glimpse into her mind and internalize the idea that to her, right now, it IS over.

To her, right now, I'm not the one.

I can't express how I feel about finally internalizing that idea.

We need a smiley that is barfing to express that.

I spent two days reading, the most hurtful ever. The most helpful ever.

I think I detached more in those 2 days than I have since this started 3 years ago.

(Email me if you are interested in the link.)



Having control of my emotions again feels good.

I'm not where I need to be yet, I have some hurts and anger ahead, but I like being back in control of me, and I like the strength that comes from knowing that I'll be OK either way.

In a shallow vein, I got hit on again, and I liked that too.

Trusting,

Which song?

I can't sing either. For some (very irritating!) reason, I can't "hear" what my voice sounds like when I am singing, and I end up sounding awfull.

People have tried to teach me, but for some reason, I can't "hear" my own voice. It sounds exactly the same to me regardless of pitch.

I just sing softly at church.



Some good music discussed here, but you've really got my curiosity piqued, which one?

Punk

Well, at least you know it isn't "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed".

Ever try cupping your hand over an ear (to hear yourself)? It helps. I have the same problem (not being able to hear myself) and couldn't carry a tune in a paper bag. Doesn't keep me from singing though. I just do it at home and take pity on others ears (and brain waves). I think I could be a secret weapon.

Love all the Allman Brother's songs. Really miss Dickey Betts as part of the band.

A few months pre-bomb (circa fall '06) I was giving my W a backrub one night after she had a bath. Ironically, I was listening to a live Brothers cd and this song happened to come on during the backrub. She liked it so much she asked who was singing the song. The name of the song is 'Please Call Home' and it features the mellow, grizzled voice of Gregg Allman.

Take one last look... before you leave,
cause oh, somehow it means so much to me.
And if you ever need me, you know where Ill be.
So please call home... if you change your mind.
Oh, I dont mind.
I guess I saw it comin... day by day.
But oh, I could not stand the failure.
Before you leave, theres just one thing I must say.
Please call home... if you change your mind.
Oh, I dont mind.
And I know, that youre used to runnin.
Oh youre lost baby, and I aint funnin.
But oh, when you call to me, well, Ill come runnin
Safe to your side... again Ill confide... in you.
So go on, I wont say no more.
My heart aint in it, but Ill hold the door.
But just remember, what I said before.
Please call home... if you change your mind.

Hey -- found you. Not sure what your entire history is -- I'll try to go back & find your old threads. That sucks that you have to deal w/ the mood swings so often. Is there any chance she could still change her mind?

H made S8's Pinewood Derby car while he was home. Graphite it still is on the wheels!!! The race is in a couple of weeks. Last year, "we" made it to districts; we'll see this year. Last year it was a lot different as well, as H and I weren't "together." It was quite uncomfortable, but that's the past.

Hope you're doing well today. Thanks for checking up on me periodically

I thought I was the only one who did that...I did it once at choir practice at church and the lady beside me thought I was trying to NOT hear her!! I had to explain myself!!

Grace, how've you been? I have never heard of cupping my hand over my ear for that. It sounds like it make sense though. I'll try that when I'm alone.

Secret weapon, LMAO, I like that. I think I could clear a room pretty quick too.

THat sounds like a good name for a Ska band. "The secret weapons."



JMC, that is an awesome song. It's not on my playlists right now though.

Funny how their taste in music works isn't it? Pre-bomb, my W couldn't get enough of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, and "White Flag" by Dido. ????

You'd think it would be more like "I've had enough and I'm leaving you" songs instead of "being left" songs. That just doesn't make any sense to me.




RHW, it's too bad your H won't be there for the the race, get lots of pictures for email.

Is there any chance she could still change her mind?

I really don't know.

Honestly, I believe that there will come a time when she will decide this is or was the wrong thing to do. (I think she has some days like that now.) Whether she let's that change her mind or not is hard to tell.

One problem will be her pride. Saying I'm sorry, or I was wrong, doesn't come easy to her.

The other problem is time. I'm standing, because I have Faith, and I believe, but I also know that I will probably not stand forever. I hate the tragic idea of WAS coming back and it "being too late," but I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible.

Our property disputes will set me back timewise as well, b/c I believe she will feel a lot of anger, and will blame me.

The OM will obviously play a part in the timeline as well.


Even so, that's OK, I'm doing pretty good right now. The ups and downs are a LOT smaller than they were.




Kissak, that's funny, did she sound ok, or was she a secret weapon too?

I just looked at your sig line, and the gone again date and kids ages. I hope he got a lump of coal.

Punk,

The secret of Standing is this.

Be proud, and have no regrets. In either the ammount of time you Stood, or for deciding you couldn't Stand anymore.

That is really it.

In this you do not want, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda."

Jack...hey man, how's things?

Be proud, and have no regrets. In either the ammount of time you Stood, or for deciding you couldn't Stand anymore.

Check my man. I will take what time is required by my Faith.

What time I stand will be dependant on myself and my Faith.

I looked back, and I realized that this sounded a little defeatist. It's not what I felt or meant.

I hate the tragic idea of WAS coming back and it "being too late," but

Believe it or not, I meant the word "tragic" in the classical sense.

I suppose that some of me meant it in the common sense too.

Anyway, I have come to the doorstep of that place.

Hang Tough Jack. I know you always do.

Finally, I am too.

See "Alice in Chains," "Rooster."

Also,

Be proud, and have no regrets.


I have returned to the place that I should have been at well enough to do what is right for my sons and I, and I will be proud of what I do, b/c I will do what is honorable and right.



Speaking of blues music, have you heard AC/DC's version of "Baby Please Don't Go"?

I bought the Aussie CD just for that track. Oh, and Jailbreak 74 alone was worth the price too.


WOW.

Punk,
Just checking in Bro.
Stand tall Brotha!


G