they say the OP in an A is like a drug and our S's are addicts. Hard to do but you have to forget about OM, he's not the reason for the state of your M but a symptom. My family is starting to tell me forget about her, you're young and good looking it won't be hard to replace her... They don't understand I took my vows seriously. I know they mean well, they just want to see us happy again and think starting fresh will put us there.
Mike
M 51 W 49 S26 S25 D24 D19 Married 27 yrs T over 30 S 7/12 D-bomb 9/26
I have an appt with a lawyer tomorrow. I'm at least getting a Legal separation to start wiht. My mind is wondering WHY hasn't she filed yet? She put a retainer on a lawyer a week and a 1/2 ago. Why hasn't she done anything. I'll tell you why.. If she does file she'll get a legal separation. IE: Child support only, We'll have to Split all the bills, expences. Etc.. AS it is now She has the best of both worlds. She gets to live at home all expences paid. She even gets to chat the night away with her boyfriend. and still I continue to fully support tham. Why would she want to give that up?
No more. I'm checking out. I'm pissed off right now. CAn I really take another face full of Sh*t and keep smiling? How much can I stand? She knows I won't do anything. She knows I really want this to work out, Why would I do anything? I am going to get a legal separation for now and If it leads to a divorce? So be it. That is not what I want. But I can only get walked on so much and continue to take it.
I'm checking out. I'm in no way giving up .But this nonscence has to stop.
Mike, be careful. protect your financials. But protect your heart even more. I'm not telling you to not act. But don't act out of anger. Don't act because you're pissed off.
Act out of love. That doesn't mean "get walked on."
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
You have some idea of your rights, and speaking to your attorney will bring more clarity - it is the right thing for you. Protect yourself, of course.
But be careful. Be thoughtful. Attorneys sometimes drop into the groove of "making a divorce". They "do divorces" you see, so when you come to them, they begin to do what they know how to do. If that is not what you want you should be very clear on that point with your attorney. Take some time before visiting the attorney to think about what it is that you want, and what you need. Maybe you want some additional financial control. Maybe you want to inject some reality into the situation. all these are good. If it is true that you do not want a divorce, then do not let your attorney automatically guide you toward actions that lead down that path. Again, I am not saying, roll over and get walked on. Just be careful.
As for why she hasn't filed when she's had an attorney for a week and a half, it could be because she does not want a divorce, or it could be she is getting her ducks in a row. Maybe she is visiting all the financial institutions and getting statements, taking financial inventory. This is what my W did during what I thought was a "quiet time". She had actually promised to me that she would not take steps toward divorce, but all during that time she was taking inventory, looking at financial assets, what she would split, and so on. I am not saying that this is what your wife is doing. I am saying that it is dangerous to draw conclusions when you don't have all the facts. It is certainly plausible that she does not push forward because it would be a loss to her - to formalize the financial support might mean a drop in lifestyle for her. Certainly plausible. Is it the real reason? Not clear. Maybe you have better insight.
I cannot tell you what to do, but here is an idea, something to think about. Spend some money and talk to the professional DB counselors on this site. I am not affiliated with this site but the pros on the phone have a calming influence on me. They have seen it all and may be able to help you. If you can afford it, it may be worth the expense.
Next thing - if you believe she is liable to file for divorce, what steps can you take now to protect yourself? Can you move funds out of her name, out of joint accounts, to protect your interests? Can you close joint credit accounts or at least take your name off the accounts? Maybe discuss with your attorney about the implications of this kind of step.
You said that she knows you will not do anything. Maybe this kind of thing, these concrete steps, would represent a 180 for you, then. Not a "last resort" technique, just a sign that you are willing to face reality and start taking steps to separate. It doesn't have to be a rapid withdrawal, just a few signs maybe to knock her loose.
it may be that you can do these thigns quietly. If it is necessary to explain these actions to her, then could you just reply, regretfully, "yes, this stinks, but I know it is what you want. I can see this is the path we are on, so I think it will be easier this way."
I don't mean to rush you.... Some options to think about, is all.
Think first, then think again, before taking any big actions. Don't act from anger. you will be happier later.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I tell myself this time it's different. She is acountable for her whearabouts. She is not making excuses to "go out" She is not claiming to spend the night at her "friends" house. when I spend the weekend with the kids, She goes to Her familys house, This is true. So there's No psyical "affair" happening that I can tell. She tells me point blank. If there was she would use it to get me to react. I know she would throw it in my face if there was anything there She would use it to get me to fly off the handle. She says That door has been slammed shut, Never to be opened again. She really screwed him over last time and left him with a thousands of dollars in bills along with a ton of other headaches, Broken heart etc... Whaaaa.... She claims he hates her..
Mike, look, I hate to rain on your parade. I know how you feel about emotional and physical affairs. But... the thing is, it is the emotional attachment that is the damaging one, the dangerous one, whether or not there is sex involved. You may wish to take comfort in the idea that there is no ongoing physical affair. That is good in itself. But... and I hate to say this... that is not the whole story. If she has been unfaithful to you before, on the phone, professing love to this man, if she has done this before, then you have seen that she can lie to you, deceive you. I know this hurts. I know you don't want to see it or acknowledge it. I know you want to believe the deception is over. But she has demonstrated that she can lie to your face.
If you choose to believe her now, do so carefully. She can assure you "there is no ongoing physical activity", but that may too be a lie. I know. I have been there. Also, it may be irrelevant, if an ongoing emotional affair is continuing.
I'm not telling you this because I am some cynical, bitter person. Ok, a little... kidding! but seriously.... I am telling you because the reality of the situation is, she's a liar. Ok, there. I said it. She lies to you. She has done it before. Until she comes back, ALL THE WAY BACK, she will lie to you again. You will want to believe. But you should be careful.
I hate how harsh this sounds, but it is true. She will lie to you about her intentions. She'll accuse you wrongly, and she knows it's wrong. She'll blame you for things SHE KNOWS are not your fault. She will lie to herself without even knowing it. The lies become indistinguishable from the truth. The dishonesty is like a cancer. It gets everywhere.
Be careful when placing your trust in what she says.
I am not saying that she is a bad person. Only that, lies are par for the course. I am not saying this judgmentally. it's just true - people who have affairs - emotional or physical - are liars. They are dishonest, and they cannot just "turn it off". It takes a long time to get back to the truth.
Quote:
I just can't understand WHY????? she continues to contact him? I tell myself there just venting to each other. Then I tell myself she's trying to mend the relationship with him so He'll take her back.So she can Step out of our marrige to her waiting limosine.
Read up on mid life crisis. Here's a useful thread. (I found the first post to be interesting and insightful, then things sort of deteriorate from there.)
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Thats All true, All of it. You took the words and thoughts right from me. My C says just make sure I don't do anything vindictive or out of anger just to spite her.
I've cooled off. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I think I've detached because a week ago I would do anything to bend over backwards for her. Now I feel good. The doom and gloom is gone. Feels wierd? Different?
Going to lawyer this afternoon just to get some advice. I'll check back in later.
