Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives The End or just the Beginning? Part 2

Wow atlas your story has given me a lot to digest. My W has father issues big time. He would take her to the bar when she was 5 and have her run around while he got drunk. In the 8 years I have known my W, she has never talked to him at all.
My W step dad filled in for her, but W even told me that he would watch her take showers. W doesn't talk about that, but I wonder if I am ready to handle the issues that are caused from all of that or not.

Thanks for being so insightful.

I seriously can't believe this. W calls and wants me to bring S gifts over right now. The plan was for me to bring them tonight. Well I explain to her that I have gone into work, she says this won't work because she made new plans and needs them now. I told her I'm sorry but I have things to do and will be sticking to the schedule.

So then she says I'm going to sabatoge my S X-mas. She then says she will have to leave her mothers, about an hour away to meet me and get them and then drive back. My response was, well you have made these choices, so I'm sorry it is hard but that is how you have made it.

Well W called back later, saying sorry and that it was unreasonable of her to expect me to suddenly change my schedule. Said that S and her would be there tonight, and after he was down, as per our plan, I would come by with the presents. She even offered for me to stay the night again.

I'm going to have a talk with her about why I'm not spending the night. She needs to understand that it isn't right to string me along while she lives a double life. In much better terms then that though.

Man I just had to deal with another person that is dying of cancer. He is only 55, quit eating 3 days ago and his home nurse thinks it's only a matter of days. So apparently, if someone shakes my hand right now they have at the most months or days to live. This is a horrible X-mas.

Funny thing is I feel good, feel like I've taken control of my life and my decisions and meanwhile the world is falling down around me. Hmmm...well it's nice to be able and laugh a little at oneself.

Atlas,

I hate to have to remind you of the obvious, but if the world is falling down around you, it is your fault. You are supposed to hold the world up. Now, do your job!

Sara,

Thanks for the post. I'm a pretty sarcastic person if you haven't noticed, the world around me is actually going really well. Unfortunetly, at times my job requires me to meet with people just prior to passing on. Sucks, but someone has to do it. I was just making a joke that it seems everyone is falling down died around me.

However, I am sad for and about W. Seems like the aliens have left, she is acting like her old self, but unfortunetly they have left her with little confusion problem. She did ask for the number to the C today. Good step. But we will see what happens.

X-mas was a lot of fun with S. Had a real blast, he was going all day and didn't take a nap. When I took him back to W tonight she was wearing the PJ's I bought her. Said she loved the gifts and thanks. I bought her a few things, and gave her, she already knew about it, the anniversary gift I had bought 6 months ago. It was a rather expensive piece of jewelery. She had found it about a month ago. She said she couldn't accept it when I first gave it to her last night. I told her I'm not the type of guy to give it to another girl, it belongs to her. Said she could pawn it, do whatever but it is hers. Well today she loves it.

On the way out last night, she asked why she ever let me go. Just said "Not sure. Merry X-mas."

Overall a good time, got some great things and happy memories.

Hey Atlas,

thanks for stopping by my thread. Looks like you had a busy few days...

I think you made such a good decision. I know everyone here wants their M to work and some day your W may make the changes she needs, but there is only a certain amount of damage that you can allow yourself to take. It may take a divorce to make her realize what she really lost.

I have had a lot of issue with my dad in the past, so i know how devistating those can be to a woman, but until she makes the decision to work on that herself, there is nothing you will be able to do to "prove" that you aren't going to be like her dad.

I think right now, as much as she may say she thinks you'll leave her (needs to be the victim) and she wants to "find herself" (needs space and time) that she is kinda enjoying the power that comes with controlling you. I don't mean to say anything bad about her, but she's probably spent some time feeling very out of control and up til now, she's had control of you (in a way) because you are still around waiting letting her play her little games. If anything you do is going to affect her changing, i think it may be taking back some of the control of the situation.

Great job not giving into her changes in plan for christmas. She created this little mess, now she gets to deal with it!!

good for you...

Everyone thinks this is the best decision. I’m having a very hard going through with it though. I have never been a quitter, which is how I’ve gotten through life. I was never the smartest guy in class, but I could always out work or out hustle the next guy. I wouldn’t even say it feels so much like I am losing as it feels more like I am giving up on W. Which to me, another part of me that I could loosen up on, is I always keep my promises. I don’t say I’m going to do something unless it can be down. I’m a huge believer in the under promise over deliver. I just feel like I’m giving up on her, and going against the promises I made that day at the alter. Sort of tough.



I have fought that battle from the first day I meet her. It was horrible, my MIL when they were growing up would put pictures of him on the fridge and right “Captain Evil” on it. So every time they wanted something to eat, they saw it. Can’t even imagine what that does to a kids psyche. Just last X-mas my FIL called to my MIL’s house to talk to the “kids” and my MIL went and cried in her room for over 3 hours. It has been 15-20 years, get over it. But W has always been worried I would abandon her, and looking back I really did in a way. I went to school so much, then once school was done, she worked late and by the time she got home I usually had a few in me and didn’t know how to listen to a women talk. Add to that a new child these last 3 years and I can see her point of view.



This one is difficult, your completely right. But it has also been one of my 180’s to follow and maybe I shouldn’t have. I realized early on how vacant and distant I was towards her. So I tried to be there for her and be a rock, well I don’t think I ever produced the rock so much as I did the door mat. She has taken full advantage of that and I have seen it, but I kept doing it and at times I felt like I was running down a cheesless tunnel, others I felt like I saw some baby steps.

BREAK OUT THE 2x4’s AND START HITTING PLEASE!

I really feel like I am being DB’ed by the W. She will be great for a few days then have a slip up and start in on me or try or does change the plans. She is coming around a lot and frequently calls. Tells me where she is what she is doing and with whom. I’m not reciprocating on that end, but I don’t lie either if asked.

So this last month I made the conscious decision to follow through with the divorce settlement if I didn’t see W going into IC, us into MC and Retro. I even laid this out for her, she knows perfectly well what is expected of her, not playing hide the ball or games. Well she has waffled a lot, and know she has asked for the C’ing number. Says she can only do one at a time since it is all so overwhelming. She also states that she feels the divorce is necessary, more so for me then her. She feels I need to see what it is like to be free. However, she says she sees us trying to work things through in the near future, but can’t define what the near future is.

With this behavior I can’t even say she is so much keeping me around as an option, as it appears she is trying to come to terms of why I would want to stay with her after the A. She even told me this last night. About 2 months ago while dropping S off, I found a note at her door, that said “I’ve been watching you and would like to get to know you, text me at…” I gave it to her and made a joke about a secret admirer. Well the more she thought about, she was worried it was a felon or something from work, so she texted it. He said Hi back and she asked who it was. He said I live upstairs from you, she said have we met, and he said yes you meet me with my wife the other day. So she texted back what do you want, and he said he wanted to get to know her better but not to tell his W. She then told him not to contact her again or she would tell his W. They have since moved, so no worry about a PA.

Well W goes off on how sleazy people can be, how they can’t control themselves. As she keeps talking she is getting more and more upset and says how she has become one of those people. I didn’t say anything to that, I couldn’t. Said she thinks she acted like and looks like a whore, so now she wants to change her look, cut her hair, etc…

All of this makes me feel like she is waking up. So it makes it very difficult to go through with my plan. Also on another note, I supposedly have a date tonight, but it doesn’t appear to be coming together. My concern is that I don’t think I am really ready for dating, but on the other hand I think it will be nice to just go out to a movie with someone and enjoy their company. Seems like I can’t make any decisions right now.

My big question is if I go through with the settlement how do I act after that? A piece of paper isn’t going to make me feel better overnight. Do I continue to DB’ing efforts? Do I let her come over and hang out with her? I tend to see things in black and white, and I know there is a gray. But I fell that if I go through with this I need to back out of the situation, do what I have to for my S, but leave her alone. I’m not sure if that is right way to go. My mind says there is nothing wrong with continuing letting her in my life, and as time goes by and I date and start doing things more and more for me that I will detach or she will see it and move along or we grow closer and start repairing. Am I wrong to think it is all black and white, or do I need for sanity sake, or can I keep in the gray area? Unsure of what to do.

She sees you moving on without her, so now she is pursuing. If you turn back around and try to work things out with her, she will start pushing you away and running again. My guess is to try to sit on the fence and date both her and someone else. Then she will need to conquer you.

Sooo... this is superlong... sorry. Also - this is all JMO. It's not sort of tough, it's really tough. Acutally filing is probably going to be harder for you than the work you've done to try to hang on to the M. In the end, it's what you are willing to put up with. Getting a D doesn't mean that you guys can't work it out. It could even be a point of starting over. New people, new R. Only you know what feels right to you. The only thing you really have to do is take care of the little one. wow - that's a good way of warping a childs mind. can't imagine how she made it this long without running away. I can see her point too. She felt abandoned and all she could think of was how she wouldn't let that happen to her. I struggled with that. I swore up and down that I wouldn't be my mother and I wouldn't let my H walk all over me (which i did). Problem is, it's an internal struggle. She has to work through it. If she wants to and does, then you can be the shoulder to cry on and the person that helps her carry on, but you can't help her get past her dad issues. She sees you and feels the abandonment and sees her mom crying hysterically 15 years later. she sees herself doing that too. She probably needed you to be a doormat. She needed to show that she would not end up her mom. At some point she has to realize that she is not and you are not her dad. Again, this is her realization, not anything you can show her.

she's confused. she wants you, but is afraid. She needs a good IC. you are doing good.
what is her opinion on that? obviously open to IC. Has she picked one? maybe you could suggest calling while you are together one time, just to get it out of the way. Whether or not you all get a D, she needs counseling.To me, she is giving you a chance to run away. To go find someone else. She probably has some self esteem issues stemming from the dad stuff and she probably feels like this is a way for you to find someone 'better' w/out leaving her. Also, she probably feels like if you guys get a D and then get back together, it will be you chosing her again. Not staying because of vows, but chosing her all over again, flaws and all...You didn't have to say that. She is guilty. I see a movie about someone that had an A (unfaithful was on tv the other night) and i about made myself sick. I didn't have a PA, but i was basically thinking, how did i become that. I made some physical appearance changes after the EA too. I think it's shedding some of the bad. guilt doesn't mean that she's got her head on straight though. Just keep watching for the signs she shows you, consistant signs are good, the back and forth could mean she's playing a little.i'm glad you see that you aren't ready to date. It really doesn't seem like it. Is it supposed to be a date or just hanging out? Does this person know what you are going through? Maybe make it more casual. It's nice to get some adult time and have some fun, but don't do anything that you don't feel 100% ready for, you'll regret it. not sure how D works where you live (waiting period, seperation first, ???) The piece of paper is just that. It will help legally determine custody and support and put an end to your M, but the rest is up to you. Do you love her? Do you want a R with her? do you want to keep fighting for this? if yes, then do... keep moving along. If not, if this paper changes something for you, then move in the other direction.

I think its really good that she has to do counseling before you guys move on. Seems like you've done alot, now she has to make the changes within herself and heal herself. you'll not be able to do much other than prove you are there and not going anywhere...

it's a crazy journey... hang in there. ann