Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Long and Bumpy Road #3

SO2, you can't really believe what both sites are telling you. You're going to have to figure out which one you want to believe because they are opposites of each other. Only you can decide what is right for you. My H "gaslights" also. He blames everything on me and if I start to voice my opinion about how he's treating me he says "You always make up these horrible bs scenarios in your head. Why do you always do that.

I'm sick of him today, as you are of yours. They lie, they cheat, they put us on the backburner and treat us like we don't matter. WE deserve better than what they are giving. So, let go of the rope for now. Nothing you say or do is going to change the way he's acting. I know this, too. My heart is broken that he is spending all his time with OW and her friends and family and kids. And, his wife, unborn child, and family don't even really matter to him. Why do they treat the ones that love them, the worst? Don't know and don't really want to care anymore.

Wow...this is one bitter person SO2! Even if there is something useful in there I can't see it for all the negativity.

I think this is case in point for getting your own life and not focusing on our WAS's. This advice is so specific and geared to her sitch only.



SO2...I though you weren't going to say anything?
I type things like this all the time in a "e-mails I won't send" folder.

Also, you took what happened last night and drew all of your own conclusions...by spying I might add. Perhaps he lied because he didn't want to share with you that he was with OW...sparing your feelings? In my sitch it is known there is OW, he is openly with her (UUUCK!). Anyway, H doesn't tell me when they have plans, I often find out thru other people. In some insane way he's being respectful by not telling where he is. (although I'm sure guilt and a very hidden concience might have something to do with it)
That's what your H might have meant by "no win". If had told you where he was...you've would have been just as mad.

Can I ask you a question? Do you want your H back? I mean this most respectfully, but I ask you this because you're doing the opposite of DB'ing for one, but also because it seems that you are actually looking for more reasons to be mad at him. I'm not saying you need to let him walk all over you, but sending a text like that is going to push him further and further away, ot obviously did by his response. Now you had to have known this before you sent it, so I'm just wondering if you are on the fence about wanting him back?

You said yourself that he wants both lives..."he wants his life 2 ways". Well you're in control of whether he gets to live one of those lives. If he doesn't want to live it the way you want, then stop looking for reasons to get more and more angry and GAL.

I know you're so sick of this...and so you should be. So stop focusing on it...because you can't do anything about it unfortunately. I know it sucks. Trust me I feel the same way.
But I've accepted that if I ever do want my H back to give our family a second chance (and I do...) then I have to let him go. Possibly for a long time. But he has to if he's going to get through this and come out a better person. The more I jam it down his throat that what he is doing is wrong...the longer the process is going to take.
I'm able to back off, because I'm trying to speed it up!

Anyway SO2, I'm sorry if I've been harsh with you today...I just don't want to see you beat yourself up.
J~

Thanks Jenny for the 2x4. I do need it. You asked some good questions....do I really want my H back? I don't know. I know I don't want him this way at all.

I think the best thing for me in dealing with him and all of his issues is to go dark. Completely dark. He is not ready or wanting to commit to a marriage and slowly sucking me down with him. During the week he is more normal, responsible, focused. Weekends he starts drinking heavily and the whacko comes out and he thinks he is a stud. I know its all ego stroking for him, but in the process he hurts me. I can't and won't be around it. We have now been separated for 18 months and he is worse than he was the day he left.

I know I am a good mom, I was a good wife. My home is peaceful without H and his drama. Your right, maybe I don't want him back. Not the man he is now.

Thank you for pointing that out to me.

Good morning SO2 - just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you today. Let me know how the lawyer meeting went. I would love to hear what he says about custody. Hope you're feeling better about your sitch today.

SO2,

Jenny is totally right.

This is why i asked how you know H wasn't home all night.
You are stalking him and it needs to stop. Have you read Divorce Remeady? If you have you need to again if not get it.

Go dark, you will know if things change and if they don't you wil be fine.

Everyone has been trying to tel you the same things in differant context. Yes it is a 2x4 in the most loving way.

You can not help him. He needs to help himself and you need to take care of you.

You will keep feeling like this until you learn to let him go!!!!!


How did your L appt. go?

JAK

Hope for Couples in Crisis

SO2...this is a really good read.
It might help with the letting go.
J~

You guys are great. Thank you.

My L appointment went so much better than I thought. I feel so much more at ease knowing I have more rights than I thought.

Basically this:

--He is entitled to 5-15 hours per week at my house until she is a year old. No forced separation from me. This was a big concern for me. I didn't want him taking her especially if there are alcohol issues. I can give him more time if I choose but those are the guidelines.

--One year to two years he can recieve more time and even take her for a few hours during the day, but the judges dont advocate overnights until she is between 2 and 3 years old.

--We talked about the guidelines for child support. He will not be happy with that at all and probably will be the biggest source of contention. It is rather high, but that is the way it is and I will need the $$.

--When she is old enough to go with him I can petition that he not drink for 24 hours prior and during visitation. I can also request alcohol and drug tests if needed. That time will be a minimum of a year away from now so I am not concerned too much yet. I think he will hang himself in that regard and hopefully get a dui anyway so it won't be an issue.

--I don't have to give her his last name. What I name her is purely my decision. I haven't decided that one yet and probably won't until she is born.

I had my C session today as well. We both agreed that because H is cycling so much and up and down and is drinking and unpredictable that it would be best for me to treat him like I did when we were getting our D. No contact. Only about baby right now. I can't mentally take the rollercoaster and the cake eating. I have 9 (or less) weeks left. I need to focus my mind on giving birth and the end of this pregnancy. He can spin out of control somewhere else.

Wonderful. That makes me feel better, too. I'm sooooo happy for you, that's great news. Hope the rest of your day goes well. Are you planning on filling you XH in on what the lawyer said? Thanks SO2, I was having some anxiety over seeing H tonight and I feel better for some reason even though it's not really related. I guess it just shows some hope that things may not be horrible. I'll check in later tonight to see if there are any updates.

No, my L told me not to talk too much about this until after she is born. Hopefully things will be on a better path, but who knows. He is going to flip out about the CS. He lives paycheck to paycheck with very little left although he has lots of credit cards and a heavily financed truck. Those things don't matter to the court. This will put a dent in his spending. I really honestly think that he believes I am so desperate to have him back that I won't ask for cs. I need it to survive and take care of us. If he turns around great, if not then we are protected.

Hes asking me to borrow money? Now he will have to step up and live in the real world.

I woke up with a really good PMA today. I never heard from H yesterday and probably that is best. I had some time to process what the L said yesterday and how best to handle this situation.

I ran into a woman at the market last night. Her daughter is on the same soccer team as H's daughter. She asked me if he was ok....? I asked why. She said that at the game over the weekend H was obnoxious and looked like he was out of it. Of course he was, he was drinking. The drinking and the pills are his downfall. I really notice he makes his bad choices when doing those. Makes his behavior over the weekend explainable.

Jennys questions to me have really made me think and soul search. I do not want H back...not this way. Not until he cleans up and is ready to make some changes. Sure, its not the way I want it and it hurts but his lack of integrity, lack of commitment and his erratic behavior is not what the kids and I need.

I guess now is figuring a parenting plan for our baby that works for both of us. Its so sad, but like my C said yesterday...he is a sinking ship.