Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Confusion of a WAW (Thread 5)

I think she is thinking about a lot of things - She hasn't spoken about our R in months, so I agree that it is more than a coincidence that it came up before we're looking at living together for a while. Personally, I believe it will be an absolutely horrendous experience for both of us, or it will be really good.

Today is strange - I'm home again with D, and I wasn't planning on talking to W. Of course, she IM's me asking how D is doing. Seems friendly, chatty, talks a lot. She then starts with "Hey, I have a stupid favor to ask of you". Turns out she is $20 short in her checking account to pay her rent this month (even though she put in $800 from a payroll advance), and asked me to put $20 into her account for her. She had the cash on her, but rather than go and deposit it herself, she asked me to transfer in $$ from my account. I ended up putting in $50, since I figured she might need some extra, but I did ask her first.

I don't get why last night she told me she didn't want me to help her ever, then today she's asking to borrow money when she could solve the problem without including me at all.

It's confusing - I can see the 'scared' part of the argument, but tonight when we had dinner, she was talking about changing some scheduling when I was there and stuff like that. I don't know if she is planning it, or just thinking a head. I know she is very concerned that it might mean 'more than it does' to me.



Absolutely - She is having a very tough time right now, and I know that she needs the freedom to figure it all out. It's tough to say "No, I can't help you" when she comes to me with a problem, or when she is in a situation where we've become accustomed to me taking care of it - Going out to dinner, going to the store, or whatever. I certainly don't do everything for her, and I don't push her on things, but throughout our marriage she always felt 'alone' when it came to dealing with things that were out of her control. Maybe it's not the best 180, but she does seem to appreciate it at times.



It has been a mess this week with D being sick - W is taking off tomorrow and watching D (she has D tonight), but I've had D the last couple of days since I've been able to get the time off work. W has made comments about how she needs a routine and that D being sick stresses her out. Both W and I are big on consistency and schedules, so I think we've both been finding it tough over the last few weeks.

I agree that I need to back off - I've been limiting contact, however W has been pretty consistent in initiating it this week. It's tough when she keeps coming to me to talk, or because she needs something - Brushing her off, or turning my back, has the potential to push her away.

I wasn't saying that you shouldn't help her when she comes to you. Just that you shouldn't initiate. She may perceive it as you not thinking that she can take care of herself. It just seems like you both might benefit from some detachment. Try it for a bit and if it doesn't work then go back to what you've been doing.


Brushing her off or turning your back is definitely the wrong approach. I think that maybe you should try limiting you making the initial contact. You'll still have plenty of contact with her because of your D. I'm thinking of times like the other day when you were by her office and asked her to lunch. She accepted, but didn't really seem into it. Back off from those types of things for a bit and you might see the other times that you are with her become more positive.

Again, this is just something to try. If it doesn't work, then go back to what you were doing since it doesn't seem to make your situation any worse. It seems like you are doing more of the same lately and are getting the same results which aren't always positive. That's just my take on things though.

Also, I think that you really need to weigh the risk versus reward of living with your W if she's not ready. It has the potential to be a huge backslide, but on the flip side it could be the breakthrough that you need. I think that you're the only one that can make that assessment. Definitely put some careful thought into it.

You're right - We get plenty of time together as it is without finding other things to do. Lunch last week was pretty weird - She seemed into going, but didn't want to eat when we got there.



I get very inconsistent results recently - This weekend we spent a lot of time together, and it was pretty positive. Not as good as they have been in the past, but they were better than around New Year. I think a lot of it with W has to do with routine changes and ups and downs with D - We had a pretty consistent two months when things were smooth, and now it's all kind of out of whack. I'm not really sure how much of it has to do with me, and how much has to do with other things - We can go most of a week without seeing each other (as we did around New Year), and when we get together it'll be miserable. Last night seemed like an exception - While the conversation was stressful, it was the first time since Christmas Day W has really talked to me a lot about how she feels and what is on her mind. I always take her talking to me to be a positive thing, if nothing else that it helps her process her thoughts.



I think if I absolutely follow the line, avoid pressure and setting expectations, it won't necessarily be negative. W has been 'out of sorts' for a couple of weeks - Long before this topic came up for conversation. I really don't know what to attribute it to, but if I do something positive or negative, W doesn't seem to respond in any particular way to me.

I guess we'll see what happens. W is having a really tough night with D, so she's been talking to me a lot and I've been trying to take some of the stress out of it for her. I think she's a little overwhelmed with it all - She's not watched D when she is sick for a long time, so this is all kind of new to her.

Pretty quiet today - W had D overnight and watched her today since she was still not feeling good. D didn't go to bed for W until really late and was up most of the night. I don't think W had a lot of fun - She gets really frustrated when D doesn't sleep, so I can't imagine that went over too well.

W called me pretty early this morning and asked me if I had called D's daycare - Told her I hadn't, and she asked if I could because the number was on her other phone that was dead. No idea why she called me, since I basically did the same thing she could have done which was search on the Internet for the number. We talked for a while, and I talked to D on the phone too. W then IM'd me pretty much none stop most of the day telling me everything that D was doing (We're eating lunch, we're jumping on the couch, we're coloring our face with a marker).

I'm kind of having a quiet night tonight - I slept really badly last night, so I'm exhausted. W has D again tonight, so I'm sure that will be an experience for her. Not sure if she's going to daycare or not tomorrow - I'm sure W will want to get back to work.

Hey Brit,
Your W is really very dependant on you, and a lot of the time when she doesn't need to be.





Part of her depression is probably just being overwhelmed and not able to handle even minor things. I'm sure she doesn't want this (hence what she said about not needing your help), but she doesn't seem to have very good coping skills at the moment and she's really leaning on you for a lot. Not that this is a bad thing, but I can really see why it would confuse you.
And...it may be interesting to see how she still 'needs you' if you move in with her.
She wants you there to help her...but she doesn't want you to believe that she 'needs you'...that word NEED is interesting. It's us LBS who are trying not to need our S's, but in your sitch is a bit reversed.

I could just be babbling here Brit...but thought I'd throw my two cents in!
J~

Thanks Jenny!

W has always had a tough time coping with certain things, even when she isn't depressed - She is very passive aggressive, so she'll either do whatever she can to avoid something, or she'll try to get someone else to do it for her.

I've been sick the last couple of days, so I've been laying low. Not initiated contact with W at all - She'll call and IM me through the day though. She called me last night to tell me she bought some books for D, and that I could come over to get some of them so D could have them for bed time. D and I ended up going by W's house on the way to dinner, and ended up hanging out there for a while. Every time I tried to leave, W kept finding something 'new' to do, or to talk about. Even though I was sick, she gave me a hug and a kiss when I left. Totally different to how she was earlier in the week - She seemed happy and excited to have D and I around. She IMed me later in the evening after I got home about our plans for the weekend.

Like you said, it is very confusing.

Today has been pretty rough - Started off on the wrong foot, since W got over to my house at 10am, rather than 'really early' like she said she would. Basically ended up delaying our moving activities until mid-afternoon, rather than being able to get things going quickly. I didn't get mad at her or say anything at all about it - Just let it go.

W is totally 'gone' - She's very depressed, doesn't really want to talk or to mess around, and she just seems very distant. She keeps reiterating that she wants me to stay with her, but that it'll be less stressful once I find somewhere else to live. It's pretty obvious that she doesn't want me there.

On the last trip I got pretty upset - A combination of not really having a home anymore, being away from D, and W being so closed off to me. I started crying in the car; W asked what the problem was, and I just said I was over tired and stressed. We didn't really talk a whole lot for the rest of the ride, or the ride home. We were going to go out for dinner, but W decided she'd rather go home instead (she was already planning on going out with a friend later tonight anyway). W was really nice to me, but she was very confusing - Said that she and I were never going to get back again together, but that she still cares about me and loves me. She also said that she wants nothing more than to be a family again, but that she can't do it anymore. I guess that fact that she loves me is still a good thing, but I'm not seeing much positive right now.

So I guess this whole thing is going to be a complete disaster. W obviously has checked WAY out. Hell, for most of today I didn't even recognize her at all. The stress of today seems to have pushed her further away.

I guess I could do with some suggestions as to what to do over the next couple of weeks. Obviously I need to get back on the DB bandwagon and show W that it would be fun to live with me again, but I think I just dug myself a pretty big hole to start out from.

You need to enroll in some acting classes because this is going to have to be quite a performance of acting "As If". You're going to have to ignore her attitude and keep a PMA going the whole time you're around her. If it gets to be to much, get yourself away from her even if it's just a walk around the block. You're going to have to carry the load during this time. Don't expect anything from your W.

Her dour attitude isn't because of you. Recognize that and things might be a little easier. It is very positive that she still loves you are cares about you. It seems like she just can't deal with much of anything these days. You need to take any pressure that she might be feeling from you away. Make sure that things are easy breezy relaxed when she's with you.

It sounds like she wants to make things work with you but she just doesn't know how right now. She feels hopeless. Time will help with that.

Peace,
B

I'll say this is confusing! I remember my H at the beginning showing signs of wavering like this. The more I recognized it (and let him know I recognized it) the more he had to jam it down my throat that it was OVER. I wish I knew then what I know now!
I think that since she's letting you move in with her, she REALLY just wants to make sure that you don't think it means anything. No expectations of her. She's just protecting herself...probably from her own feelings.
I agree with everything B said. In fact it would probably be a good idea for you to try not to be there as often as you can. That way she still feels like she has her space. I don't think you've dug yourself a hole, but your at the start of 'something' so you can totally choose how it goes at this point.

You're going to need tough skin for this Brit! Who would have thought you'd be crying on your way to move back IN with her. I feel for you and I hope that things go as smooth as they possibly can.

Do your best to keep things on a friendly level. I would minimize the hugs & ILY's and anything like that unless initiated by her. And even then I'd proceed cautiously.
Good luck!!
So did you take the place that was 'perfect' or are you still looking?
J~