Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wandering Poster Settles In

My Jeff...your thread is so entertaining! Must be the laundry, hot tubbing, chocolate, Baileys and pirates in chaps!

Ingrid is right....why can't you communicate with W just like you do with us? We all love you here...and I think maybe W would see a side of you she hasn't noticed for awhile! You know how well all get into the same old same old routine....well show her a different side! Has she seen this side? The fun loving, kind word offering guy?

I loved your and Lisa's MLC episode.....best damn one I've seen thus far! Wish my H's followed along those lines!

BA

None of us here are doing anything to push other people's buttons, everything we say (for the most part) is kind and a sincere attempt to help the other person, because we've all felt the same pain.

We don't see each other in the sweats, we're not irritated by the dirty dishes in the kitchen, we don't have years and years of often difficult interactions behind us - get the point?

This is not the real world. I gotta tell ya, as someone who has been on the receiving end of "all we did was talk about our marriages" (lie, by the way) - many of our spouses would not be thrilled by what goes on here.

I'm also getting an understanding of the draw of this kind of interaction that I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with. Quite often the first thing I want to do when anything happens in my life is get on here and tell you guys about it. My conversations with people here are taking up more and more space in my real life. I'm not really into computer stuff in general, so what is this like for someone like my H who is? How can I ever really expect that he won't be pulled back into this kind of thing - first the conversations, then whatever comes after that?

Just some stuff I'm thinking about.

Ingrid...I agree totally with your post...my H was also a computer type and it was ultimately what opened the door to first EA's and then the biggy...a PA and walking out on his family for nearly 2 years...

We have recovered...several times this past week he has made reference to our R/M being better then it ever has...being in love with me again...etc...but it was a long hard road...and for him it meant limiting time at the computer and no interacting with others via computer...strictly games and ebay for him these days...and I am sure he would be extremely angry reading some of the things I have shared here over the years...which is why he doesn't know about it...this place held me together at a time I was falling apart and didn't have anyone to understand...I also understand how easy it is to form attachments...and forget that in fact...you really know very little about this person...like when H declared his love for OW...I was shocked that he could be so stupid as to think it was REAL...she only let him know what she wanted him to know and vice versa...how can that be real LOVE???...well the answer is it wasn't...and that can be a very painful reality to someone who gets caught up in this...

Now back to Jeff...my cooking contact...lol

It would be nice if you could just talk to her like you do us...but as Ingrid stated there is not years of 'stuff' between any of us here and you...so it is easy to be agreeable and want to be nice and helpful...the fact is, you might try and discuss it with her but I wouldn't expect an epiphany on her part...because the reality is many of us here that totally caught off guard when our spouses left...well, if we look back we really shouldn't be so suprised...we pretty much didn't face what we should have for what ever reason...

Many of our spouses told us they tried to talk to us...they tried to tell us...all that before they walked out the door and woke us up...

Now the real truth is...you don't walk out the door to wake someone up...but if you are "prepared to live with all consequences of your actions without regret"...and witout regret is key...then you can walk...you don't have to slam the door shut...you can be reachable...and maybe work things out...the other side is the LBS may not really care...or may be relieved...and that is where you can't regret your decision...does that make sense?

Okay...I have gifted enough for now...and you know I wish you all the best...and now I am so craving the NY cheesecake with chocolate and raspberry sauce just like they serve at Outback Steakhouse!!!!

Lin

Very true, Lin. I know my H tried to reach me lots of times, but it was the shock of his being ready to actually walk out the door that woke me up.

When you're ready, Jeff, you'll know. Do you have DR? There's a section called 'The Ultimatum' on this very subject - I think it's in the infidelity section - somewhere in the back, anyway.

Just flipping through the book trying to find that section makes me want to read it again. It will be a good thing to do this weekend while I try to figure what, if anything, to do next.

Thanks, guys! I really appreciate your thoughts. I've been thinking quite a bit about why I can't talk to my W the way I seem to be able to here since Ingrid and BA posted last night. I'm sure it is more than a simple. For one thing, she doesn't like the way I play with words. She likes black and white, clear meaning, pretty much in everything. I can't say if it has always been that way, I sort of think not. But, and here I am seriously projecting, I know it before you tell me, I wonder if because that's the way I often communicate, and she is not happy with me, she extends that to being not happy with things that I do? It helps to complete her belief that I am not the person for her. A story, sometime in the past few months we were at her parents house for dinner (we usually go over there once a week, it is a good thing). I said something that was a play on words, I have no idea what. W made some sort of negative remark. Her mom said, "I thought it was funny!" The point being that the way I am here, which is the way I am most comfortable, isn't what she wants. Which makes thing a lot harder for me. on the other hand, I may see if I can try to open up some lighter communication. It might be an improvement over what we are doing now!

Ingrid, yes, I have DR. I haven't looked through it in while. I think perhaps I should! Thanks for reminding me about that!

Lin-
I was thinking right along the lines of the Outback cheesecake. I'll try for better, but the bar is pretty high, there!

(((((Lin)))))
(((((Ingrid)))))

Hey Jeff,

I really like the idea of trying to open up some lighter communication and seeing how it changes things. If it does work, wouldn't that be great? (But no expectations- I will make like you and have expectations on your behalf!)

Is there a party going on here tonight? My thread is depressing me so I am seeking refuge!

L.x

Hey, Lisa! Come on over! I don't know how big the party will be, but how many does it take?

I'll go check out your thread, too, and see if I can say anything useful!

(((((Lisa)))))

What would you like to eat....let me look in the fridge...

Fancying some more chocolate tonight- have you got any brownies in? If not, I'll bring some over myself!

(((Jeff!)))

I'm looking at a box of brownie mix, with Hershey's Kisses in them. That should do! Don't forget the nipples!

And socks.
((((Lisa))))