Very interesting thought. I think of my situation with a LD spouse, being the HD partner. She has read SSM, even making marks in the book to draw attention to certain ideas. But a leopard doesn't change it's spots, we're back to the "old ways" of infrequent sex, little closeness or intimacy. Think how hard it is for a HD spouse, seeing , working beside, talking etc. with people who you can sense enjoy a good sex life. Having fantasies about coworkers, or strangers, then feeling the guilt for doing so. The shame and guilt that can accompany the self pleasuring that will help you get over the HD urges, yet also re-inforce the disappointment that improvement is likely never to be just around the corner. If it is possible to have an emotionally fulfilling sexless relationship with your spouse for life, would it be also possible to have a non-emotional sexual relationship with someone outside of your marriage? Why does this not seem like an acceptable solution to a SSM? I know that society, religion, and morals would dictate otherwise, but where is their solution to a SSM? Prayer? Abstinence? Cold Showers? Your thought?
In my case my wife does not have a "solution" that I know of - except for me to leave her alone and not to provide any opportunity for her to feel any further guilt. I don't think that she can get past her feelings of inadequacy concerning her lack of sex drive and until this occurs, she is in no position to consider my needs. I was hoping that we could come to an arrangement where, out of her love and respect for me, she would occasionally (and only on her own volition) provide some physical sexual touch (almost anything would do at anytime). I know if I suggest this course of action as a solution that she would be offended, so I was hoping that one day we could have a nonemotional discussion and this would surface as a viable alternative - but given the lack of success so far this solution is only a distant fantasy.
With respect to having a non emotional sexual relationship with someone else (preferably a woman who has a nonsexual husband) - I don't think this is viable on a long-term basis. How are you going to keep the emotion out of this relationship in the long-run when the other woman is meeting some of your very important needs - how will you then see your wife - how could you want to stay married to your wife? I know that in some cultures, mistresses are quiet prevelent and quietly accepted in the wealthier circles but I know I can barely afford my wife!
Thank you for the nice reply. I too, think it would be very difficult to establish a "arrangement" for purely sexual reasons, without the likelihood of becoming emotionally involved as well. It is the theory of the possibility of having such an arrangement as a possible solution for a SSM. The reference you made to alternative sexual contacts is one that I find frustrating as well. If sex for a LD spouse is unthinkable, and they truely want their partners to have some form of sexual relief, why not consider this? Some would look at it as just another "chore" to be included in the daily functioning of the household. I, for one, could live with this. I certainly would rather have an intimate, fun, mutually satisfying encounter with my partner for life. I can't help but wonder why this would not be considered as an alternative. Of course, another thought would include the possibility that the LD spouse simply does not care about the others "problem" and has no intention to do anything to improve it. This is the type of relationship that may lead to an affair, fights about sex, separations etc. How about comment from some of you LD spouses out there? Am I way off base in my thinking here??
Like you, I've continued reading everyone's posts but haven't felt much like contributing. I'm actually doing pretty well right now as far as not letting the lack of intimacy bother me as much, but I know exactly where you're coming from with your post. For the first time in quite a while I feel like I can go longer than two weeks without saying or doing something to start the sex argument with my wife, although that has yet to be proven. I'm convinced that forcing myself to back off and accept the situation for the time being is my best hope for eventually seeing some improvement. But I'm fairly certain that I can't keep it up indefinitely.
I've finally managed to accept that my wife loves me and that her lack of desire for me is nothing she can control. However I do believe that she can make efforts to regain her desire - MPT and Lis3 are perfect examples of that. But as long as I continue to put even the slightest amount of pressure on her to change, I'm convinced that she's not going to make any effort whatsoever. I'm prepared to stick with my plan of no pressure and not initiating any physical contact for a period of months. But if there's no improvement after several months I honestly don't know what I'll do. All I can say is that I hope I'm not faced with that decision.
How are you doing so far Sooner? I'm afraid I just blew it. Just had the famous argument with H. I want to kick myself. I feel so very tired of H telling me how I am stressing and pressurising him whenever I bring up this subject. What on earth could be so stressful about something so natural and wonderful as to connect intimately with the one you love. If you ask me, I would say its destressing and relaxing. I want so much for my marriage to be filled with excitement and passion but alas it can only be that way if two will work on it. I definitely need help. The SSM book isn't helping. Not when H won't read it. I need a book on "How to survive a marriage without passion" or "How to remain content when your spouse is your roomate" or something like that. I feel so frustrated. Sorry to be so negative. Its just one of those days. Hope you're doing better. LH
Quote: What on earth could be so stressful about something so natural and wonderful as to connect intimately with the one you love. If you ask me, I would say its destressing and relaxing.
Sounds like you and your h are different in this area. He needs to be relaxed and de-stressed beforehand. You see it as a way to relax. Neither is right or wrong, just different. How does your h relax? Ask him if you're not sure. Ask him even if you think you absolutely, positively know! If he doesn't have a way to relax, it might help you (and him!) out in the long run to help him find a way to de-stress.
From what you've written in other posts, it seems he has plenty of stress. It needs to be a priority for his health to find a way to cope with it.
Sorry to hear about you blowing things by having the sex argument with your husband - I know exactly how you feel. I agree with you wholeheartedly that a passionate, exciting sex life is very stress-relieving. My wife seems to be constantly stressed and I honestly believe that if she would start setting aside some "playtime" for the two of us she would feel much better. I know that I would.
It's funny that you mentioned the types of books that you'd like to read because I actually spent a few minutes just last night searching the internet for similar books - without any success unfortunately. My wife won't read the SSM either and I've decided that I'm never going to mention it again. I'd be surprised if she ever reads it, which is depressing because I still think that it could help a lot.
I'm actually doing pretty well so far at sticking to my plan and not getting overly depressed. At least I made it through another romanceless weekend without saying or doing something to make my wife mad. But I haven't been at this for very long so I know that it will get harder and harder to maintain my positive mental attitude. I'll be out of town working for a week starting July 6th so if I can just make it until then without screwing up I basically get a week off. Of course, being the horniest guy in Oklahoma, spending a week away from home has its own challenges.
Hope you recover quickly from the sex argument. Good luck!
Quote: My wife seems to be constantly stressed and I honestly believe that if she would start setting aside some "playtime" for the two of us she would feel much better. I know that I would.
Eeekkk! DON'T make the assumption that the way you work is the way your spouse works. Key point from SSM. It's about understanding the differences and coming up with some way to handle the differences. Accepting that your wife is different from you, that sex doesn't do for her what it may do for you, is part of the process too. It's not just about your wife changing or you doing something to produce desire in her. It's about you accepting her the way she is as much as she needs to accept the way you are. Then work on something which is mutually agreeable to you. It's not about trying to change something that may be part of her fundamental make-up. People often need very different things to feel relaxed.
Who knows, maybe sex would relieve stress for your wife, but it isn't a stress reliever for everyone. It isn't for me. In fact, if what is causing me stress is in full force(Ha! Like that is a singular thing ), taking the time for sex has the possibility of even increasing the stress. This doesn't mean that we don't go ahead, but neither h nor I expect me to be less stressed afterward. If he suggested sex as a stress-reliever when I'm feeling stressed-out, it would probably backfire on him. He would be revealing how little he understood about me.
Quoting MPT:In fact, if what is causing me stress is in full force(Ha! Like that is a singular thing ), taking the time for sex has the possibility of even increasing the stress.
You got that one right MPT. It definitely is that way for H. H's way of relaxing is for me to give him reflexology. Then he falls asleep!
Sooner, My argument ended pretty quickly, as usual, with me saying sorry I brought up the subject and H saying he doesn't understand why I can't just be happy with what we have and complain about what we don't. He can't understand why this is of such importance as to mar our happiness in other areas.
What I need to hear from him is that we have a problem, if he thinks its temporary, then I would wait patiently and after a while if things don't change, then we could work on it together. All I hear is stop complaining because we don't have a problem, be happy with 90% and don't let 10% ruin the 90%. Thats like asking me to accept that things will always be this way. Sounds like no changes are forthcoming. I don't know how to deal with that. I can deal with it if he tells me he is so stressed up he just doesn't feel like it for now but I can't deal with it when I think that things will stay this way permanently Thats the hard part because I think that as a couple we should try to fix whats bothering the other. I don't know how to fix this problem alone and I don't know how things are ever going to get better if I'm not allowed to even talk about it. Ok enough ranting, time to go. Have a nice day you all. LH
Sorry about that MPT - didn't mean to evoke a scream. I do understand that my wife and I are different, and I certainly wouldn't suggest sex as a stress-reliever when the very thought of sex only seems to cause her anxiety. But in my opinion, that anxiety (which I have also) wouldn't be there if we hadn't let our sexual relationship diminish to the point that we're no longer comfortable even touching each other. Unfortunately it did and there's nothing we can do to change that now.
I can't imagine ever thinking of sex as a chore - at least not with someone that I'm attracted to and in love with. And regardless of how she may change over the next 50 years, I can't imagine not being attracted to and in love with my wife. In my opinion sex is the funnest, most exhilarating thing that we can experience as human beings. So I guess it's hard for me to understand putting it in a category with doing laundry and mowing the lawn. I honestly don't want my wife to have sex with me out of obligation - that's no fun for either of us (although I suppose I could think of worse ways to pass the time). I want her to have sex with me becuase there's nothing in the world that she'd rather do. Am I crazy to dream of that? I'm starting to think so.
Try not to wake the kids if this post makes you scream again.
), taking the time for sex has the possibility of even increasing the stress. This doesn't mean that we don't go ahead, but neither h nor I expect me to be less stressed afterward. If he suggested sex as a stress-reliever when I'm feeling stressed-out, it would probably backfire on him. He would be revealing how little he understood about me.