Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Long and Bumpy Road #3

Were you always this good about DB'ing. It feels like it's taking me a lot longer to "get it". To actually make the changes and do something. I am so stuck in missing him and wanting him home that I find it hard to move forward.

Heck no! I didn't even know about dbing until about 6 months into our separation divorce. Before that I was pathetic. I begged, pleaded, cried, and told him I would change over and over. Nothing made it better. Honestly, he is the one with all of the issues anyways. After about 6 months I started to make myself get out more and do things with others. I even semi dated someone. He flipped out. But even though I was doing these things, he and I would still get together ever week or so. So I really wasn't doing super good.

When I got pregnant we talked about R. I bought it hook, line and sinker. He just wanted to go slow. That was back in July. I had my suspicions about OW for a few months be he always said there was nothing. Finally I had enough in November. Realized he was a cake eater.

What I am doing now may not be working into R, but it beats being that needy clingy person that he doesn't want for sure. He may never come back, but I am standing on my own two feet.

Ok, am I being too harsh on him? For some reason I am cutting him off and barely talking. I know that part of it is dbing, but I find myself so irritated and mad at him when he sends his "checking on you" texts. I give him a simple, short answer.

Last night he asked (via text) why I am so short. I just replied I'm not.

I want to do the right thing and db right, but I am so afraid to give him an inch as he has cake eaten, lied, and cheated for so long now with no change. I don't want to be vunerable again.

What do you think?

This is what I just told him. He sent the text this morning.

H: I feel like I am bugging you. So you get in contact with me when you feel the need especially when it has to do with baby.
Me: I am doing the best I can. I am overwhelmed in trying to manage my kids, this house, and the end of this pregnancy all by myself. I am not trying to be short with you.
H: All you have to do is ask. Im here.
Me: ok

I am so deathly afraid to give him an inch. I want to. But I don't want the same old crap and lies. How did I get so petrified of my own H?

Yes, what do you do at this point? How do you move forward. If you're not suppose to talk about R and still be semi dark, how do you ever move forward or take it to the next level? I have no advice for you today. I am in a horrible place this morning since last night. If it were me, I would tell him what my fears are if I let him close. But, I am sure that is anti-DB'ing and don't take my advice because it's obvious that I am not doing the right thing. I'm sorry SO2. I wish I had more encouraging words for you. Maybe someone else will.

Alright...I am having a really hard time right now. Maybe some of you that have been here can give me some advice.

I am in a panic about having this baby alone. I feel stressed already trying to deal with everything as it is. When my H sent that text this morning I wanted to tell him how I really felt. That at almost 31 weeks pregnant I am emotional, tired, run down, sore and about at my wits end. All he had to offer was let him know what I need help with...

That is what I don't know what to say or do. I don't need him to run my errands or shop for me. I need him emotionally. I feel like I have nothing to give anymore. I am really worried how I am going to manage everything when this baby comes in a few short weeks without having a mental breakdown. I am also worried that if H just comes and goes when he pleases and then goes back to his old life and OW I will be so rundown and sleep deprived that I may lose it.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I need emotional help and he is just offering to bring me food and go to the postoffice for me. Should I say something?

Hi SO2,
Man do I know how you feel. I know exactly where you are and I am so sorry you have to be there, these F*&^ERS will NEVER know what they put us through.

Since we'd been 'having problems' the whole pregnancy, I scared and depressed pretty much the whole time. I was 33 wks when the bomb dropped and it sent my emotions into overdrive just in time for the end of pregnancy.
The six weeks before I gave birth I felt exactly as you described. I visited my C every week. Are you in counselling? I found it helped, if for nothing else than to know how I felt was normal.


I'm sorry, but I don't think telling him you need emotional help is going to get it for you...at least not the way you want or need it. The physical stuff is all he's capable of right now. Take him up on it. At least he can alleviate SOME of the pressure in your life.

I know it's hard when you's rather not take a damn thing from him, but you need to take cre of yourself and that precious baby girl inside you.


I felt this way too. I was so scared. But as I sit here holding my son, typing with one hand...I'll tell you, you CAN and you WILL be able to do it. I've said this before, you will find strength you didn't know you had. I promise you. Also, don't forget that the pregnancy woes (hormones & the physical woes) are weighinh heavily on you. Once I recovered from the Csection, I had more energy than I thought I would just simply because I wasn't pregnant anymore!
Ok...just put S in his crib so I can type faster now!
When I had to make the decision about whether or not to have H in the delivery room, I was concerned that I wouldn't have the emotional support I needed. I could have chosen to have my Mom with me, but I decided to go with him. I decided that even Mom couldn't give me the emotional support I needed or wanted, she couldn't fill the void any more than he could. So he was there, so our S will know that his Dad was the first to hold him. (actually...the nurse managed to hand him to me first even though I'd had a c-section...I think she read my chart and knew the sitch!)
My point is that, I made it through it. I thought I needed him emotionally, but I didn't. Yeah, it would have been ideal...but the important part is the my S came into the world happy and healthy and somehow I did alone.


I would try to work out some sort of schedule ahead of time. Maybe do this a few weeks before...not too soon. I wouldn't make any decisions right now and anything can change in the next 8-9 wks and you don't want to say or do anything and then change your mind.
Also...you have older kids...recruit!!! Set out some duties that they'll be able to help out with (even the younger ones...if I'm getting their ages right). If they know there are expectations ahead of time then it won't be so bad when the time comes.
Get your freezer stocked...casseroles casseroles casseroles!!!
My sister was generous enough to pay someone to come and clean my house for me...even if you can do this a couple times a month it helps a lot. Or...get those other kids working!

I KNOW that it is a combination of these things along with the emotional stuff that has you all panicky. Unfortunately the emotional is one that you have less control over, so take as much control of the tactical stuff as you can.
As for the emotional, as the saying goes on these BB's...time time time.
The first week after I gave birth I was SO emotional. I cried constantly, I couldn't control it. Make sure you have other loved ones around you and that your Dr's know about the sitch so they can watch you for Post Partem.

One other recommendation I have...do something now to bond with your baby. I knit, so I went and bought the most luxurious marino wool and knit my little boy a blanket. It was SO therapeutic. Even if you don't knit...it is so easy to learn and blankets are a great started because they're usually straight forward. Anything to make a connection and get you thinking about positively about her arrival. I was so scared and so guilty over not be excited that it weighed on me. Most people want the end of their pregnancy over with and I wanted to keep him in there as long as I could.

But once he was here it all fell into place. Not my M or my H for that matter. But my love for him and a maternal instinct to just do what I had to do kicked into overdrive.
And before I know it, he's 12 weeks old already!! My M is no closer to being saved, but I'm doing better and my kids are doing well too.
SO2, you're going to be ok. All these thoughts are normal and I'm really glad that you are acknowledging them and bringing them here. I'll help you in any way I can...I'm here with you and I'll listen and respond as often as I can. I'm glad you popped over the my thread and asked me to come here. I've been crazy lately, but if you let me know you need me I'll be here.
(((hugs)))
J~

Thank you. Thank You Jenny F!! I can't tell you how your post made me feel so much better. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind. I really thought this would work itself out before the baby came but its not looking that way and I need to face reality.

Interesting about having H in the delivery room. H is the one person I truly want in there and the last person I want in there at the same time. I know he will end up being there but I don't feel like he has earned it at all. Its supposed to be this bonding experience for all three of us and it doesn't feel that way.

I am going to start lining up my family to help me with certain things. I have to. You are right. I cannot do this alone like I thought I could.

Good point on telling my doctor. I kind of mentioned that we are having problems but I don't think he realizes the whole story or the extent. I am very worried about PPD. I never had it with my other kids, but they were born under very different circumstances. Set me up with raging hormones and lack of sleep and I maybe kind of out of it.

H will be around alot more at least for awhile. I am sure the frequency will fade and we will all settle into a routine.

Thank you so much for your advice and support. I do feel much better than I did.

I'm just checking in on you this morning, wondering how you are doing. I read Jenny and your threads everyday. I am trying to prepare myself for the same hurdles. I do believe that you will be fine. You've managed to keep it together for a long time. It sounds like your H will be there emotionally more than you may think. I can only hope mine will. What I really hope for is that he'll be home by then, with me. Let me know how today is going.

Thanks blindsided. H is actually on his way here to walk with me for a bit. I told im I was uncomfortable going alone anymore and if he wanted to go he could. I was thinking he would maybe go later after work,but he said he would take his lunch and go now.

Ok, my mind is asking me....is he just doing this to be nice and do his 'duty' or because he cares?

I am going to try and be cheery, happy when I really want to pelt him with questions.