I got that same speech two years ago. I know how it must hurt.
This really does not change any of the advice you have been getting here.
Your W's reaction is to run-away, as my W's reaction was and still is. That is who they are. We cannot change that. In fact, finding your W reading the D-book clears the air and provides a further call to action for you.
She is not rushing - so use this time wisely. This was a test.
Focus on you. Use your courage to create that positive energy. When your confidence returns, so will your strength.
Do this regardless of the outcome with W.
Get frank_D back first and then assess where you need to go with your life and with the relationship.
She says "I can't have you until you have yourself".
Then that's what you need to do Frank - find yourself. Maybe, just maybe, then she will reconsider. She sounds as though she is frightened at the moment and wants to protect herself. You need to show her that she does not need to protect herself from you.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This has blown my mind. Damn if your wife hasn't impressed the hell out of me. I am stunned and I never would have imagined it but damn if it hasn't happened.
I dare say your wife has outgrown you. Believe me, I am shocked, too!
But all your fancy talk about finding and being true to your authentic self is being tested.
You'd better man up and do the real work, Frank_D.
I haven't been on the board in ages, but just popped on today to look around.
I won't say much other than what other's have - and to offer my support and prayers. I'll tell you however, you're right on (as with others) that one of the key tenets of DB'g is getting inside your OWN head - and fixing that which ails us. All to often the exhausting work of trying to fix the relationship, or the other person, takes center stage and the changes in us, superficial. A rough lesson that from time to time bubbles up in my R. And really by this it is me being more critical that my W.
As I was reading one of your more recent posts, it made me think of how my W and I were starting to settle into an (un)comfortable routine. I called it "un" there on purpose. For me, the thought of too much comfort was my call to action. I had a real fear her mind and eyes would wander. Added to this stress, I lost my job back in the beginning of October. I'm back on my feet and have been working for a little over a month, so good news - but it could have consumed me. Instead, I hunkered down, and set a plan for myself to get back in check. For me. I wasn't home all day during my unemployment(although I was home a lot) and we were able to get a lot of house improvements done while I was out of work. But I balanced that by hitting the pavement and networking and meeting people. I joined the Fire Department (as a part time job) and am training to get off "Probation", etc. This she is not crazy about, due to the danger, but all that melts away when I put on a "wife beater tee" and FF pants! Point being, I'm clear of what I am doing for me.
I don't tell you this to sound my own horn, but to perhaps give you the hope that you can do what you need to do. Try and focus a little on Frank - let that be the liberator...and I suspect you will find what you are looking for.
Oh, loved the Daeida quote from Theoden. We have trained him well my friend.
Strength, Honor, and Integrity.
Hang in there, we're all pulling for YOU.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
First of all your wife is right: you fixed the relationship (and maybe her a little bit), but not yourself. You played hardball and won the relational game, but you neglected yourself. You used detachment as a strategy rather than as a means of self-preservation to enable you to work on your issues.
Second of all, your wife is right: she can't have you until you have yourself. Right now, maybe for the last 5 years, you've been emotionally unavailable.
Damn she's good.
So...here's your chance: fix youself, save yourself, find yourself, have yourself. So this simply so that you can live with yourself and be happy again, for yourself and your kids.
The added bonus is that you have a good shot at drawing her back. It's said seldom does a woman leave a happy man.
What you do right now vis a vis your wife is irrelevant: focus on yourself.
Here's the good news in this situation:
1. Your wife is nearly not as crazy as she was 2 years ago. 2. She still likes your company. 3. You have plenty of time. She's not going anywhere soon.
My advice: don't try any of the "being mysterious", last-resort techniques or hard-ball strategies. you don't have the energy to do these now.
Just know yourself, find yourself, have fun, and share it with your wife because it's fun for you to do so. Put all your energy into yourself, not the relationship. As you regain yourself, your joy will bubble over and positively impact the relationship. Get your cup filled, then you can fill others.
You both seem more compassionate to each other now.
Leave the pictures on the wall as they are.
Your worrying about the pictures means you are REALLY tempted to return to the "save your wife and fix the relationship" mode. You are looking for a strategy or an angle. Don't go there. She knows your game by now.
I dare say your wife has outgrown you. Believe me, I am shocked, too!
But all your fancy talk about finding and being true to your authentic self is being tested.
You'd better man up and do the real work, Frank_D.
You're losing her all by yourself.
If she's 'outgrown me' then I guess what you're saying is she is 'lost' already. She sure doesn't seem like she has any faith that there is any chance for happiness with me.
Another friend suggested that besides focusing on myself, I learn to forgive her for my perceived hurts from her, mourn the loss of the relationship and focus on knowing that I am capable of being loved by more than one woman in my life.
Drop the rope, let her go, accept that it's over because I can't expect someone to want to be with me when I'm harboring these feelings.
But it's also a catch-22. In the back of my mind I'm feeling that maybe if I do 'these improvements' she'll see that I'm better for her after all. But if I think that way, I'm not letting go and that makes her feel pressured.
Too much of my emotional well being has been based on her accepting me. I need some hope for 'us' but I'm afraid to embrace it. It just seems like the clock is ticking, and it's just a matter of time as she slowly makes her exit plan. She's not 'crazy' and afraid like she was before so there's nothing for me to fight for, to rescue her.
It hurts. I'm trying to accept this but it hurts. I know I'm doing a good thing by reaching out for help - for myself - and I should have done that a long time ago. At least it's not too late for me to work on finding my own happiness. I know my wife has been as patient as she can be. She couldn't really help me because of her own stuff and maybe she needs to grow some more.
I hope people here are learning the lesson that I'm learning the hard way. Do NOT save your marriage UNTIL you have saved yourself. And keep saving yourself.
1. Your wife is nearly not as crazy as she was 2 years ago. 2. She still likes your company. 3. You have plenty of time. She's not going anywhere soon.
I hear what you're saying. She has many friends who are going to help her 'find her path' and let frank go. She may not be physically leaving but I feel that as time goes on she will get the support she needs to help her feel comfortable in her decision. When she was having the affair she couldn't get that support, but this is different.
She's surrounded by people who want her to be happy, and to 'grow' spiritually. Anyone can see that I have been an impediment to that.
I successfully pushed her away. I know it was my way of punishing myself. I won, I guess.
Quote:
Just know yourself, find yourself, have fun, and share it with your wife because it's fun for you to do so. Put all your energy into yourself, not the relationship. As you regain yourself, your joy will bubble over and positively impact the relationship. Get your cup filled, then you can fill others.
I don't know what you're talking about, there is no 'relationship'. She's 'done' and she's getting the support she needs to leave because nobody else can say she didn't 'try'.
Quote:
You both seem more compassionate to each other now.
How can you say that, or more precisely, how does that help?
Quote:
Leave the pictures on the wall as they are.
Your worrying about the pictures means you are REALLY tempted to return to the "save your wife and fix the relationship" mode. You are looking for a strategy or an angle. Don't go there. She knows your game by now.
I was more in line with thinking about how I feel looking at them.
Quote:
Really surprise her by working on you.
How can we help you do that?
--Theoden
Help me to give up on my marriage. It's over and I destroyed it.
