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Gin,

You are absolutely right. I feel such relief that he in not in the house and I am seeing things in a much more positive light. I find myself in the evening having the hardest time though. I lay down in bed and my mind starts to race with all the what if's.

What if this is all I will ever have?

What if I never have another R again?

What if my son doesn't want a R with his father once he really understands what he has done? (this is what my H sisters did to their dad after he cheated and got D from their mom after a 30yr marriage - of course he was abusive too)

All the what if's pile up on me in the still of the night. I turn on my radio and listen to beautiful Christian music and God (and a little ambien) puts my mind at peace.

Pray for peace in your heart and soul. It really helps and is a prayer God always answers with a "yes". It may not be immediate but it is there.

I told my family that I honestly think all of this was part of God's infinite plan for my life and His correction to a mistake in judgment of someone that I made in my youth. I did not date extensively in high school and I think the flattering attention paid to me by my H pushed me to create more than I probably should have. I'm not saying that there was not true and absolute love in our M but I think it has always been more one sided.

Men are famous for responding to the women in their lives who express their displeasure at not being romanced any longer once they are M with, "I don't need to do that anymore. I've got you now." I always joked with my H that he had me but he had to keep me too. He always laughed but there was always something tentative in the way he did. Like he knew I was right and that he wasn't treating me with the kind of respect and love that he had when we were dating and engaged. I think he is just such a damaged person himself that he didn't know how to go about changing that.

Gin, you have been dealing with this bomb for so much longer than I have but just because the words weren't spoken by him until early December doesn't mean the feeling wasn't there and being expressed in other ways long before that. I'm sure the tension you have felt in your M for so long has almost overwhelmed you at times. I'm glad to hear that you are letting that all go and moving on.

I have no idea how this whole D thing is going to work out. We don't own anything (rented house, loan on one car and the other is paid for, credit card bills and no other expensive toys that could be sold for profit) so no fighting over house or anything like that. I think the biggest bone of contention is going to end up being money. I don't think he's going to fight me for custody at all. He'll want visitation but I'm going to have to put my foot down about weekend visits. An autistic child, no matter their age, can not be made to continually move between environments and be thrown into situations that make them feel out of place. My son will not tolerate well being placed into the home of the OW in her son's room that he only gets to stay in every other weekend because she doesn't have custody of him. It could regress all the progress we've made in the last few years. My H is all about hanging onto what is his (material things). He put in the D papers child support because it is required by law and GA has a strict formula. He of course didn't put in alimony of any kind. That is what he's going to fight most.

I'm going to let him have his D but not without fighting for myself and my son and making sure this does not damage him any further than it already is.

As much as I wish things had gone differently with my H, I don't want him back. I feel so relieved to know that I don't have to try to balance him and make excuses for him to everyone I know anymore.

I am really impressed by all the strong men and women here who are standing for their M's. You are pilars of strength. I just think that your M's were probably in much better places at some point than mine ever truly was.

The heartache will remain, probably forever at some level, but it will lessen and I will find new things to fulfill me without feeling like I need someone else to help do that.

Looking forward to a bright and happy tomorrow!

Michelle

That's how you know when you've made the right decision - it feels good, even if the path ahead is difficult.

Your son deserves stability and your presence and your H must do his part to make sure he gets it. Definitely sounds like you know that and will make it happen - almost (but not really) feel sorry for your H!

If you plan to hang around on the board but move to a different forum, let us know so we can keep in touch.

Michelle,

I'm sorry to read these updates. However, you seem to be accepting of them and ready to move on from it. (I admit, I admire you for being so strong right off the bat).
Yes, money always seems to be the boiling point in D's and separations. But you have to look at it as a business transaction, even though your feelings are overwhelmingly tied up in knots around it.
I know those thoughts you have at night; I had them too; still do sometimes. It does get better with time. You can easily have another R in your life when you are ready. God must have something better in store for you, so keep praying and following along; it will all be ok.
I am truly sorry he moved out again but not surprised. And one more thing...he filed awfully fast. Be prepared that he will hesitate with the D because he will start to second guess himself a great deal. Focus on what you want now and don't let him and his crazy MLC sway you.

Mishka, I was going to cut and paste from HF7.s post to say how much I agree with some points, but I can't, she is right on the money with the entire post.

It is especially telling since her H is so similar to yours.

Well all, I guess I'm going to hop to another thread since I have realized I can't handle my H's poison in my life or in my son's life. I truly wish it was different but there is not a chance that I'm taking him back after all the additional lies and secrecy that I have uncovered. Suffice it to say that those have been a problem since early in our marriage and all of it has come to the surface now. Really bad!! I'm going to have to move on because there is no recovery for me with him and he has no intention of self-improvement (and never has). I just think the MLC made all the other stuff come to the surface.

On Saturday I talked through the relief I was feeling with my C and I was thinking maybe it was temporary and I would start to feel desperate again without him. Nope. I'm not even that angry now, just sad that the life I have always known is no more but excited at the prospect of something new and better for me and my son. I realized in talking Saturday that he has emotionally abused me for so long and I didn't even realize it. He truly doesn't either. It's all part of his self-preservation instincts from childhood. He had to be sneaky in order to live in his household without beatings. His pattern is predictable and it has been going on his whole life so no turning it around now without LOTS of therapy that he won't get. He doesn't see that he has a problem (except for brief glimpses during his breakdown last week). He belittles, never praises, never encourages, when I or our son do something really well he doesn't congragulate or compliment he tells you that you should do it even better next time. SICKNESS!

I looked at him like a wounded puppy when we first met and I took him to nurture. Instead, his sickness dragged me down with him. He doesn't like himself and he turned me into another version of him so why would he like me anymore? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm going to switch over to surviving the big D threads. Went to the lawyer this morning. It should be a simple case as there is no property involved and H doesn't really want physical custody of S13, just visitation. That might be a bit of a battle since he is living with OW and I won't have my son put in that situation. We'll see.

Come on over and visit. My thread is titled "he filed, I responded, now what?"

Hope to see you all soon. You are all amazing people! keep fighting the good fight and standing.

Michelle