Go to coundeling or just go? I thought thats what everyone was saying??? Now should I phrase it mroe carefully when I tell her? of course. I was thinking along the lines of - Look baby, weve had problems for the past several months and they are not seeming to get much better. I feel that weve done all we can ourselves and we still end up in the same arguements, the same fights, the same power struggles. I think we need some help outside the marriage. I want us to go to counseling together and heal our relationship. I want to have the best, most rewarding, most exciting relationship with YOU, my wife. I simply cant continue to go down this road with you without some outside help. If youre unwilling to work with me on this, to work on our relationship so that we are both happy I will have to move on.
I like the first part, but leave out this part: "I simply cant continue to go down this road with you without some outside help. If youre unwilling to work with me on this, to work on our relationship so that we are both happy I will have to move on." How could anyone possibly respond positively to that given where you two are right now?
Then you call and make the appointment and you go whether she goes or not. Invite her to go, but in any case you go. If she sees you changing and growing, she may want to come with you. You may not like the first counselor you go to. Be prepared to shop around. It's just like any professional service, whether it's a doctor, or hairdresser, or plumber. Not all are created equal and not all will "click" with you. It becomes a very close relationship, so it has to be someone you feel good with. I'm thinking a woman might be better than a man, just because if your W does decide to go with you, she's less likely to feel like you're ganging up on her.
Newly, my bf and I went to three couples counselors and NOTHING really helped our R. Our R as boyfriend/girlfriend is just not meant to be. So counseling is not a magic bullet either, but it can certainly help you sort things out.
Here's an old shpiel of mine on therapy:
Quote:
Some people look at counseling as a medical model: "I'm sick and I need to get treated/cured by someone who has been to school and has answers that I don't."
I don't subscribe to this.
Others look at counseling as an education/teaching model: "The therapist teaches me things I don't know, the way I know stuff when I leave a math class that I didn't know when I walked in."
This is a little better, but still not on the mark IMHO.
I prefer the coach model: "I know where I want to be, but I need someone's help to see what I'm doing that's keeping me from where I want to be."
To me the coach model is SO much more useful and representative of what therapy is. It puts you on a par with the professional whom you hire to help you hone some skills. Golfers take lessons from a pro all their lives, so do other athletes, dancers, and musicians.
No one thinks there's anything wrong with a professional dancer who attends a class every week of her life. They just assume she is practicing, getting help polishing her skills, getting feedback from an outsider. There's no stigma attached to being coached.
Not that there's NO medical element or no educational element, but mostly it's a question of helping you do something you do know how to do but just can't seem to do on a regular basis.
_____________
People sometimes think, "Well, this situation sucks, so how can a therapist make it better?"
The reason therapy/counseling/talking/posting here helps is because your pain isn't coming specifically from your circumstances, it's coming from your FEELINGS. Nothing wrong with that. Counseling helps you with your feelings. It does not change your circumstances, but it can change your feelings, and this in turn may enable you to ACT in ways that will change your circumstances.
Carl Rogers, the great psychologist, said that in therapy, "a person talks to himself through the medium of another mind."
If you feel really stuck and defeated right now, I suggest you give it a try. A therapist is not going to talk you into anything, or judge you, or make you feel bad. This is a person who will be totally on your side, someone you can tell anything to, but has no stake or investment in what you ultimately DO. Like a loving but disinterested parent. The therapist won't convince you to stay in the marriage and make the best of it. S/he also won't convince you to bail. S/he won't convince you of anything-- just help you sort yourself out.
