Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Is there such thing as a walk-away husband?

Everything seemed perfect. A little over a week ago my wife and I had the sex argument for the 117th time (that’s actually just a wild guess). But since that time she’s made an obvious effort to touch me occasionally – nothing even remotely sexy, but still a noticeable improvement considering that I’ve felt like a leper for most of our married life. I’m going out of town for business tomorrow and will be gone overnight. I put the girls to bed and got them to sleep, came downstairs, and for once my wife was still up. Her being up at 9:45 p.m. is so rare that I thought she might be interested in doing something romantic. I was excited about the possibility of making love as it’s been roughly two months since we last had sex, but I would have been happy with anything that showed she was interested in me. We watched a little bit of the news in bed then turned off the TV, at which point I tried to cuddle up to her. She didn’t really cuddle back – but she basically tolerated my touching her. Due to the fear of being rejected, I’m scared to death to try anything overly sexy (I didn’t used to be this way at all) so I kind of rubbed her thigh, stomach, etc. without reaching under her clothes, just hoping to get some response. The only response I got was if my hand got within a foot of any obvious erogenous zone, she would grab it and move it away. After not very long, I was hurting so bad that I asked what I was doing wrong, to which she replied “nothing” – acting like she couldn’t imagine what I was talking about. This basically lead into the usual argument, although it was comparatively mild. Now I’m sitting up at 1:45 a.m. and she’s probably now sleeping after being ticked off that I again tried to talk about our relationship and in so doing cut into her sleep time.

I’m starting to lose hope that things will ever get better. The only reason she can give me that our level of intimacy hasn’t improved is that we continue to have this stupid argument. On previous occasions she’s mentioned specific things I’ve done that may have contributed to the problem, but I’ve made great strides in trying to fix anything that I’ve been made aware of. And I think she’d agree. But I can’t continue to be hurt and not eventually break down and say something. I go anywhere from a week to two or three months holding all of the hurt inside, then I have to let it out. I can’t help it – but she acts like I do this deliberately and that I’m the whole reason things aren’t improving. I feel like I’ve done everything possible to show her that I love her and to try and help her feel close to me. Now the only thing I know to do would be to try the opposite. I don’t want to do that, and I’m afraid it will just make her feel less close to me. But I’m open to suggestions.

We regularly say “I love you” to each other, and I obviously do still love her very much – but should I stop saying it? Should I stop acting interested in what’s going on in her life? Should I refuse to show her any affection – no touching, no hugging, no trying to cuddle? Should I start sleeping in another bedroom? Should I stop calling her when I’m at work, running an errand, or out of town? Should I start going out with the guys or get interested in a hobby which keeps me away from home? I’m sure there are lots of other things I could come up with to ask, but you probably get the idea. I honestly don’t think any of these things will help, but I’d be willing to try anything that might. If MPT, KAH, or jen381 happen to read this, please give me your thoughts as you’ve basically been in my wife’s shoes. I realize however that none of you are her and what might help in your situations won’t necessarily help in ours. I had a lot of hope after reading “The Sex-Starved Marriage” but I’m starting to feel like I have no control over what happens in my marriage and that the only way things will ever get better is if my wife has a change of heart.

I’m afraid that if nothing changes I’ll eventually give up and become a “walk-away husband” if that’s possible. The last thing I want is to have an affair, and I’m nowhere close to doing so. My Dad had an affair when I was in Junior High and High School and I’ve seen how it affected him, my mother, my sister ,and myself as well as others that he was close to. But even with my first-hand knowledge that an affair is not the answer, I’m scared to death that someone will come along and make me feel alive and desirable again, and that I’ll be unable to resist the temptation. That’s a long ways off, but I need to find some answers before I get to that point. If anyone reading this hasn’t read my initial thread, it’s posted in this forum and is titled “Sex-Starved and Looking for Advice”. I have no idea how to link to it, but it describes my situation in a lot more detail if anyone cares to read through it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hey Sooner,

I know it seems hopeless right now. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I have some thoughts for you, but will have to post them later due to time.

Try to stay possitive. You sound like a wonderful and committed H. That's great! There is hope. Will write more later.

Jen

I think you should write her a letter pretty much saying alot of what you wrote here. If you decide to include the affair part, be sure to emphasize that this is something you fear; don't use it as a threat. Emphasize at the beginning how much you love her and you really want to see your marriage succeed.

Let her know you've taken responsibility for whatever role you have played in her lack of desire for sex, including bringing it up so much if that's what she sees as part of the problem. You HAVE taken responsibility and you have been working hard. You have every right to feel very good about yourself for that.

Then let her know you need some interest from her in trying to meet you part way. Acknowledge her recent willingness to touch you more and to let you touch her. From what you've written on this site, it does seem that you will be most appreciative of even the slightest attempt on her part to work on this problem...even if it doesn't immediately lead to phenomenal sex. Let her know that. Tell her about your sense of hopelessness. Tell her you feel she's indifferent to your sense of pain and rejection. Ask her if she really is indifferent.

I don't know how far she's gotten in SSM, if at all. If she hasn't read the part about influences on sexual drive and also the part on the different ways bodies can behave, perhaps you could point this part out to her. Suggesting that maybe hers is a body that warms up once things get started; that some of her lack of interest may be due to a lack of "exercise" so to speak. The use it or lose it idea. Ask her to just be willing to talk about that as a possibility, because there are ways to get started having sex again.

Let her know you're willing to be a patient, loving, and helpful lover, so that she's not alone in trying to restimulate her desire. (This is where I soooo wish I had let my h know how hard I was working on my sexual desire. I think if he had known he would have been just the kind of lover I needed. But old independent, I-don't-need-help, I'm-embarrassed-that-my-body-has-turned-on-me-again me just couldn't share that...but I digress. Sorry.)

In some ways, I really do wish she could read some of the posts here from current and former lower desire spouses, but I think your judgment on that matter is probably on target and it wouldn't be a good idea. Unfortunately, you have the problem of any suggestion you make looking like nothing more than your own self-interest.

I'm really at a loss here, because I felt so bad about not wanting sex and how sad my h seemed that I was highly motivated to find solutions from the beginning. I'm having a hard time thinking up different things that would get your wife started on this path.

What you write here has me wanting to help you. I feel your agony. So you definitely have a way of communicating that evokes empathy, at least here. Is there a difference in the way you communicate here compared to how you communicate with your wife?

I'm concerned that if you withdraw in an extreme way from your wife you will just end up in the "standoff" that Michelle talks about. At the same time, something different about your behavior needs to happen that lets your wife know there are some consequences for continuing to not address the problem. Your emotional pain would be consequence enough for me, but perhaps your wife doesn't fully realize how painful this is for you. She may also be dealing with her own pride and the fact that she feels responsible for your pain. Acknowledging this may be hard for her?

Sooner, I just want things to work out for you so bad!

My thoughts are with you, MPT

One more thought: The bigger issue here for you is that your wife doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to find solutions to something that is causing you pain. It isn't as much about the sex as it is about this. Is that a fair assessment? If so, highlight that issue if you write a letter or have another conversation with your wife. Even if she doesn't feel like she can have sex right now with you, perhaps she will be more willing to take the first steps toward finding solutions if you present your need as being a need for effort on her part rather than a need for sex. This is then more about her interest in your relationship rather than her interest in sex.

jen381 - thank you for your reply. I leave to go out of town after lunch and won't be at a computer until tomorrow night at the earliest so there's no need to rush with your more detailed suggestions. Please take all the time you need - I appreciate any help that I can get but I don't want to derail anyone from dealing with their own problems. I'll look forward to reading what you have to say.

MPT - Thank you again. Your suggestions are always so helpful and I sincerely appreciate your concern. I think your post contains some very good advice which I'm going to print and take with me to think about as I travel over the next couple of days. You asked if there's a difference in the way I communicate here compared to how I communicate with my wife? I always start my communication in a similar manner to how it comes across on here. But I meet so much resistance and hostility right off the bat that everything I wanted to say basically goes out the window. I can always communicate my feelings more eloquently in writing because I have time to think them out. That's the main reason that I think writing a letter may be more effective than trying again to talk to my wife about our relationship. I believe you're right that my wife doesn't fully realize how painful this is for me. If she really understood how badly I'm hurting, I think she'd be more inclined to try and make things better. I tried last night to tell her that I don't blame her for our problems - that I realize she didn't intentionally stop desiring intimacy. But she doesn't believe me when I say that I don't blame her. I think that her pride and the fact that she feels responsible for my pain do keep her from wanting to work with me to fix our problems.

Thank you both so much for caring. I realize there's no magic solution and that there may not be anything new you can say to help me, but last night I didn't know where else to turn. The responses that I get from people on this message board are basically the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

I completely agree with MPT. Letters or e-mail are the way to go. Carefully worded, they can be quite revealing, yet non-combative.

As my wife an I continue our progress, e-mail has become the preferred method of communication regard the 'issue'. You can write what you think, setup exceptions, and detail the reasoning behind your thoughts. That is difficult for most people to do face to face. Interruptions, kids, etc., all tend to screw up your speech, and that can totally skew the the intended result.

Do speak(write) in kindness. Don't make ultimatums. Don't forget the purpose of rectifying the situation is to correct your *relationship*, albeit the sexual side.

In my situation, I have had to address some issues -caused by me- that directly contributed to the problem. At times, that has certainly been difficult. The outcome is well worth whatever you have to go through to get there.

This morning, after four days of working through my last failing (another "mad on" - see my thread), and a totally unjustified one at that, I awoke to a very damp, freshly showered naked wife cuddled up to me. Let's suffice it to say that I still can't get the stupid grin off my face :-)

Hang in there. Be willing to do your part. Have patience. You may find that she has some serious hurts in the mix as well. One thing is for certain, you will both make mistakes as you work through the issue, even as you try to get started.

Don't give up.

-NOPkins-

Here's an update. Before I went out of town I printed out the threads in this post and used them to help me organize what I wanted to say in a letter to my wife. I got back in town last night and stayed up late to write the letter. As MPT suggested I said a lot of the things that I'd stated in this post, after which I basically went through her other suggestions and put them into my own words. I wrapped up my letter after midnight and left it next to my wife's car keys. This morning when I woke up she had read the letter - as well as a few other things that I hadn't planned on.

I had also printed out several pages of posts, mainly from low desire spouses, that I was considering giving my wife to read, although I hadn't made up my mind yet. After wrapping up my letter last night I forgot to put away the printed versions of both my posts and the other posts. My wife found them this morning next to the computer and read through them. She wasn't mad, but she did say that she felt funny about me posting all of our problems on the internet for the world to see. I can certainly understand her feeling that way, and I would have expected it. I did let her know that I haven't even given out my first name, to which she said "I know". This clued me in that she had gotten online and read some of my posts as I didn't have the user names printed out. Needless to say, knowing that she may be reading my posts may limit the effectiveness of this message board for me in the future. However, I don't plan to stop posting, at the moment anyway, because the support that I've gotten on here has been so helpful.

Although I didn't intend it, the fact that my wife read some of my posts may really help our situation. I was relieved that she wasn't mad, and if nothing else she probably has a much better feel for what I'm going through, how much I truly love her, and the effort that I'm putting into fixing our problems. I'm hopeful that she'll be encouraged to work on them with me, but I suppose only time will tell. Thank you all for your advice - I'll keep you apprised of any developments.

Sooner

Hey sooner,

Last night I spent about an hour writing you a post and I had just finished proof reading and my computer froze up. I lost everything

So I have 10 min. and I will try to sum up what I rambled on about last night.

My H pretty much just gave up on me about 2 years ago. No more initiating. He just started leaving me alone. I don't think he had a master plan. I think after 9 years of rejections he was just tired of the fight.

That gave me some releif. And took some pressure off. But along with leaving me alone sexually he has also left me alone emotionally. No more back rubs (which I used to get daily and I love), sharing of feelings, romance, touching, snuggling, effection, kindness, patience, etc. He went into the "I don't care mode." He told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Ouch.

So It's been about 2 years of this. And I am just now starting to miss him. You see he was so overboard and in my face about it before that it has taken me this long to really miss a "relationship"

About 2 months ago I dawned on me that I missed him and all the lovely things he used to do for me. I missed his smile. I missed our connection. And the passion. I thought: we are to young to be living like this. Everyday was passing us by in monotone, bland, stale sameness.

So I started working on it. Planning weekend trips. Making dates with H so we could talk about our life, goals etc. I went to the book store to get a book on relationships and found SSM instead.

This was exactly what I needed. I can't beging to express to you how much it helped me to understand my H and myself. I cried through most of the book and was in shock that finally someone else understood our problem. So it has helped. We have a long way to go but for me SSM is a foundation on which to build. Like they say "the teacher will come when the student is ready".

So maybe your W just needs a break from you sexually and emotionally. Give her a chance to miss you a little. My H poured his time and energy into restoring old cars, his favorite past time. He spent a lot of time on the phone with his long distance guy friends.

Things are far from perfect with us. I wish he could have expressed to me his feelings the way I hear them in SSM and here so I could have been more understanding. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am determined now to give my H what he needs to feel loved. I am beginning understand that to truely give means giving the other person what they want, not what you want.

Hope this helps a little.

Warmest Regards
Jen

Jen,

Thank you so much. Your post is really helpful and I appreciate that you went to the trouble to rewrite it after losing everything you'd initially written. That's happened to me before also - it's so aggravating.

It's a little discouraging to know that taking the pressure off of you sexually didn't really help and that your husband had to withdraw emotionally as well for you to miss him. Right now I don't feel like my wife misses being close to me although it's hard to say what's really going on in her mind. I hope that my marriage is not a situation that will have to get worse before it can get better, but I suppose that's possible.

I think that my wife has a lot to think about right now after reading my letter and becoming aware of these posts. I'm planning to leave her alone for a while to let her sort everything out in her own mind. While I'm so happy to see some of the people on this message board making excellent progress in resolving the lack of intimacy in their marriages, I've got to admit that it hurts to know that others have made so much progress within only a month while my situation hasn't changed. I see low desire spouses in marriages that have been sex-starved even longer than mine suddenly initiating sex frequently, planning weekend trips together, and basically reconnecting within a matter of days. And they're both suddenly happy and madly in love again. Yet my wife acts like we have to go through months of continuing to live as roommates before we could possibly get to that point. That's discouraging! If that had been the case when we started dating, it would have taken years to get to our first kiss. Now that I've committed my life to someone with whom I'm madly in love, in her mind we're not close enough to make out, much less make love. If the things that have happened recently to make her more aware of what I'm going through don't have much of an effect, I'm worried that nothing ever will. Guess I should be more optimistic, but it's hard sometimes.

I appreciate your support Jen. Please keep me in mind if you happen to think of anything else that might help.

Sooner

Don't give up hope! Maybe you should make communications very clear? Instead of timidly trying to iniate (after so many years of rejection even trying at all is an act of bravery) I ask straight up. "Do you think we could have sex tonight?" I usually get a pretty clear response. I'm not saying we have sex more because of asking but at least when she says no, its still less rejection than for me have to have tried to initiate physically.