I am in need of some help fast to try and save my 10 year marriage.
I will start from the beginning. My husband and I have always had a perfect relationship. Very loving etc. Always telling each other we love each other etc etc. We also have thre children together aged 5, 3 and 1.
Then On the 14th July 2007 my husband said to me that he was going out with one of his friends for an indian. Normally he would say do you mind if I go out. I was a bit put out as he had worked late all week and worked on the Saturday to. I wanted a nice night in together. He went off all angry. I sent him a text message in the afternoon to say I was unhappy etc. But no reply. He went out and came back very late and very drunk. A couple of days later we had a heart to heart. However he was not his normal self. He would normally hug me etc. But nothing. Then the next week weeek we went on holiday. The first week of our holiday he never came near me or told me he loved me which was not normal. I asked him about it and he said well you have not come near me or told me either. Then that night I asked him if he still loves me. He said dont know. I was crushed and kept questioning him. We got back off holiday the things were terrible. He would hardly talk to me. We went to see a counsellor. But no joy. He said he did not love me anymore and the spark had gone. I am devastated.
For the next three months we were supposed to be trying to sort things out. However he made no effort. We went away in a hotel a few weekends. One of the weekends though he did not talk to me all weekend. He went away for the weekend on his own to think. Still no joy. He did not know what he wanted. I went away and left him with the children on the 1st October for a week. Before I went he told me he had not given up hope and wanted to try etc etc. I came back and he would still not talk to me. Then the next day he said he wanted to leave and he did just that. That was now 5 weeks ago. He is determined that this is it and we are completely over. I just do not understand what went wrong. He has told me that there is no one else. Why wont he try and work things out? He wont even for our children?
Hey Amanda I'm in England too - just wanted to say hello first
OK - first step, like it says in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is DON'T PANIC! Take a deep breath, get a glass of water, calm right down. It's no good acting out of panic, it gets you nowhere (as you have discovered).
Get the book "The Divorce Remedy". I know it sounds like an advert but it's a great book. Read that cover to cover. It will give you all the steps you need but it may take a while to sink in - it took me several readings and a lot of practice to really get it.
Until you get the book, it looks here the best thing you can do is completely back off from your H. Leave him to have his separation. If you keep telling him he's wrong to walk off the more he will insist he is right. The easiest way to stop arguing with someone is to agree with them. I am assuming he still sees the children? So if you do get to see him be very light, don't talk much to him, don't ask him any questions.
While he;s off look after yourself. Gather your good friends about you (although I wouldn't recommend telling too many people of the sitch if you can avoid it), treat yourself as you would a good friend. I lik walks and bubble baths, so would treat myself to those.
And I have one question - what do you think led to him leaving? By that I mean what do you think your contribution to it may have been. Bear in mind I'm not looking to play the blame game here, just to identify what things you could change, ie things that are in your power to change.
OK - better go, don't want to overwhelm you on the first post! Keep coming here, it's a little goldmine and I can safely say I think without the book and this site I would be divorced right now.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Sorry to 'meet' you here. This place is a life saver!!
Jen-Jam has given you great advice.
Now is not the time to pursue your H and it sounds like you won't find out from him just yet why this has happened. There could be many reasons and trying to guess what they are is futile.
What you can do though is work on YOU. You cannot control your H but you can try and control your actions. Try and make any interactions with your H as upbeat as possible. He knows you aren't happy that this has happened so you don't have to hammer that point home to him. Think about all the positive things he liked about you and your R and work on highlighting those things. I know it seems so unfair when this has hit you out of the blue that you are the one having to 'work' at it but it really can make a difference.
Also take time for yourself if you can. If there were things you liked to do before you were M'd and have stopped doing try doing some of them again.Have you got family close by or good friends that can give you some babysitting time so that you can have some 'you' time?
Keep posting and venting here. The more information you give the more people can help here. If your H down the line is willing to go to counselling then that is a good option as long as you can find a pro M counsellor. Personally I would warn you to stay away from Relate as they are very hit and miss and can sometimes do more harm than good.
How do you feel in yourself? Are you suffering frm depression or anxiety attacks? If so have you sought out medical help or spoken to your health visitor? How are the children coping with it? Are you Ok financially? There are places to go for advice if you need help with things like the financial arrangements.
If your 5yr old is at school it might be worth having a quiet word with their teacher, if you haven't already done so, so that they can keep an extra careful eye out. It is also a good idea from a child protection point of view. (I speak as an ex school governor).
Look forward to seeing you post again. You have come to the right place
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
On the day he told me he wanted to leave I said you either stay and work at it or go and then thats it. He said he would think about it and let me know in a couple of days. Of course the next day I was a mess. Then that night I said I want your decision now. Either stay and try or go. And of course he went.
He is coming back to see the kids. However this week I have taken them to his Mums where he is staying for them to visit him. Reality check. He cried apparently both nights when I collected them.
He came to our house last night to have them over night whilst I stayed at his Mum's. When he came all he asked about was the credit card and there balances. This morning he was just telling me about where he has been and what he has been up to. Just said oh right ok etc etc.
He is now not having them until Tuesday night at his Mum's again and then Thursday night here and Saturday over night at his Mums and Sunday day.
All our families and friends no now.
I am just after advice on what to do now and if anyone has been through the same and come out the other side together.
There are lots of people on here who have been through what you are going through - and who have come out the other side. You are in the very early stages of this. I myself did not have my H leave - he had an A which he told me about after it had been going on 18 months. We sorted things and are now happily mattied again.
You may want to go and read through the resources on the various forums on here and see if any of the things strike a chord with you about your H's behaviour. Until you know why he is being like this you may not know how to move on with your M with him but you can work on yourself. Only your H can sort himself out whether it be because he is havimg an affair or is in midlife crisis or finds the pressure of a family too much - whatever the reason - until he can recognise what is going on with himself he cannot help himself. You need to look after you and your children. Don't give up hope. There are many people on here who have gotten to the divorce courts or even been divorced and then got back together.
Go read the success stories in the resources section.
A lot of people dissapear off thre boards once their M's recover as they no longer have the time or the necessity to be here. Others like myself and Jen-Jam stay inorder to help others and to journal and still ask for advice when we feel we need it.
Don't give up hope. Go and read the MLC sections and try posting on there. There are some great people on there and more than a few people who have sorted their M's out.
Keep posting girl. If you want to email me my email is in my profile.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree with everything Saffie says, especially about working on youself. You can't "fix" your H (I wish it were that simple) you have to give him all the space he needs in order for him to "fix" himeself.
I have been through this and came out the other side. In Spet 2005 I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and not long after the "I can't stay married to you, we have to separate and sell the house". BNow H and I are happy together.
But it took a LONG time, far longer than I hoped or wanted. I needed more patience than I ever thought it was possible to have, and when I felt hurt by H's actions and words it took a lot of strength for me to step back and remember my goal was to rebuild our M. Many, many times I wanted to scream at him, to lash out, to walk off myself but I kept going. Because to lash out would mean the end of our M, and that was not y goal. For me it was the worst experience I have ever been through. It felt like someone had punched their fist right into my chest and pulled my heart out. But I kept going. I spent nights on the phone to the Samaritins being persuaded not to go and top myself, I cried in all sorts of places, it hurt and hurt. But it wasn't all bad. As soon as I stopped worrying about my H and started working on me, doing things to make me happy it helped a great deal. That helped keep me going.
I hope you will continue to post, remember anything is possible. I think this place can be a great help to you.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I'm in the UK too. Our sitchs are very similiar, i'm a few months ahead of you. I did teh same as you and asked my H to leave, we separated last month and I have to say, while it isn't what I wanted, it is giving me space and time to find inner calm.
If you want to read about my sitch i've posted in 'piecing' - called all 'hope is lost, help' .
Saffie and Jen_Jam, so glad to find you here and offering nuggets off wisdom. If you have the time I would appreciate you casting an eye on my sitch and offering any advice you can give.
Laters
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
It just gets worse. I don't know what to do. I have spoken to a divorce busting coach which has helped. However my husband and I are now seeing solicitors re money and the house. I asked him if he was going to ask the solicitor about divorce, he said that he had never even thought about it. I said why not you say you are not coming back. May as well just get on with it. He has stopped paying me any money. I just don't know if to give up. I don't know what to say to him. We had a 25 minutes telephone conversation last night. The first time for a while. Afterwards I just cried my eyes out. I have looked at moving into a rented house to get out. But just don't know what to do for the best.
My husband told me on New Years Day that he had a date on the Sunday before new year with the girl I suspected in August when he was texting her. Surprise Surprise. Now it is very bitter and all in the hands of colicitors etc.
