This is my first post. I will try to be brief as I can, let me know if you need more details. Nov. 10 I caught H in a hotel with OW after having suspicions for 6 months. He confessed it had been going on for 6 1/2 months, so my suspicions were pretty accurate. H had prior Affair for 6 weeks in 2002, after our first child was born. WHen that one ended he promised never again, would love me forever, etc. We only went to counseling for 2 months and never "solved" the marriage problem. I let counseling go bc he came back to the marriage and I wanted the troubles to be over...doesn't work that way huh. Marriage seemed really good for the 4 1/2 yrs in between, another child born May 06. But in May 07 old pattern emerged, going out late, staying out later than usual on Fridays, becoming distant,etc. Ruined our whole summer and fall with me accusing and questioning, him denying and saying my paranoia made it impossible for him to enjoy spending time with me. In Nov. 07 when caught, he told me in hotel room that it was over for us, no way to regain the lost trust, why would I want him, etc. The next 3 weeks he lived in the home and we would talk at night about the situation till we were sick of talking about it. I thought the affair was over and he scheduled MC for us. After second MC visit, I found a secret cell phone with 400 + messages between the two of them about how he was leaving me after Christmas. Confronted husband and he left for the night. Came back next night, played with kids, etc. but said he didn't know what he was going to do. All this time we were sleeping in the same bed and even having sex 3 or 4 times. My mistake I always read sex as a connection but guess it isn't always. We continued to go out to weddings, parties etc, mess around, sleep in same room, etc. through Christmas, although after I found the phone he stopped wearing his wedding ring. Christmas Day he gave me a card, "I DO love you and I hope we CAN fix this"--his bold letters--"I just do not know the right word or action. I cannot imagine my life with or without you right now and I hope God shows me the way".However I also knew he was getting an apartment in late January, as he wanted to live apart while we sorted things out and tried to fix our marriage. The night after Christmas (12/26) after kids in bed I told him if he didn't know the right action, I did. He had to leave the relationship with the OW if we were to have a chance of fixing things. I told him he couldn't nurture 2 relationships at the same time. He refused, bristled at my "demands" and went to a hotel. For 3 nights. That Friday (the 3rd night) I went to the bookstore and found the Divorce Remedy book. Read most of it that night, especially the 180 part. Did not call my husband although he had called earlier that day to tell me he was going out for beer with guys that night. That is usually when he would leave with OW at end of night. So normally I would be checking up on him on a Fri. night. I didn't try to call him. The next morning he came to the house and got his truck to run some hay up to a buddy in Iowa. I knew he would be on the road all day. I did not call him once, though usually I called 3-5 times a day to chat with him when we were together. He called to say he would be home that night (as in NOT in a hotel). Came home that night, hung out with me and the kids & was talkative with me in a "normal" way, I didn't ask a thing and went and slept in guest room. Next morning we went to church, then out to lunch as a family, nice day. Had one fight about me not bringing kleenex in diaper bag to church for kids (his complaints about me are simple things like that), but was flirtatious in afternoon and we had sex that early evening while kids were playing in basement. I went to guest room that night. He came in at 2 am to say OW had been texting him all night. Said he had ended it with her on Friday, telling her he had to focus on his marriage and try to work it out. She is a co-worker and was threatening to tell management. He had already told his boss back in Nov., who told him to tell no one else, to try and contain the situation. Of course, his boss thought it ended in Nov. too. Husband said needed to go talk to OW to keep her from telling management. I told him go if he needed to, just be careful if she was unstable who knew what could happen. Was a 180 for me to encourage him to go talk to her. He texted me an hour later to say he was talking with her and OK. Next day was New Year's Eve, I had booked us dinner at a nice restaurant and a hotel room and got the kids an overnight sitter back in Dec. when things were going a little better. He texted me at noon, "Going to go to Iowa tonight", instead of doing our plan. I was of course upset but told him to to what he wanted and needed to do, but I was still taking the kids to the sitter bc they were excited about the slumber party. That night at 6 he called me to see when dinner reservation was for. Said he would go to dinner but no hotel. Went to dinner, had a nice time, messed around but not sex after dinner, then he drove to Iowa so he could cut firewood in the morning. Texted me twice overnight on his drive, I replied minimally as not to seem to eager. Rest of week seemed to go pretty well, even the awkward job of going furniture shopping for his new apartment.I went with him so I could help pick things out since the kids would be living there too partof the time. Even went out to dinner after furniture shopping. He had farm work over weekend but sent me a few messages (I did not send him msgs or call him first on any of these days, sat back and waited and he contacted me). Each time I sent a basic reply, trying to be cool about it. Don't know what happened yesterday (Sunday) although our water heater broke which was $600 to replace, on top of all the furniture $ and 6 month lease he signed with rent of $770 per month we were taking a big financial hit in a short time. Maybe that stressed him out I don't know. But he layed on couch after supper with face to wall for about an hour and sounded like he was crying when he talked to kids. I put kids to bed and layed on the other couch--I sleep in our baby's room so don't go to bed until I am sure she is asleep. He got up and said he was going to a hotel (AGAIN!) because he was going crazy living with me and he couldn't take it any more, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, etc. I have learned arguing doesn't work so tried not to. Asked him if he really thought sleeping in a hotel would be more comfortable. He said he didn't know but he was losing his mind the longer he was around me--he said this to me in November, too. When he is "down" he will say I am the reason for all of his misery and unhappiness. I told him if he needed to go, he should go away and stay gone as long as he needed to to get his peace of mind back. I think he was surprised because I usually argue with him, plead with him to stay when he wants to leave. I told him I wanted him to be happy, he said I didn't really want him to be happy just for him to stay with me. I told him again he should go if he needed to and he did. Went to bed and sent him a text message saying "I hope you can believe that I truly do pray that God will give you peace of mind whatever the outcome may be: I love you too much to make you stay in a situation where you are miserable. So take whatever time you need to figure out what you want from life & how to get it. I will be here to listen should you ever want to talk but I won't pursue you any more. I must focus for caring for me and the kids now and I know we will be ok." He replied back telling me the name of the hotel and room number, and goodnight. This morning he sent me a message asking how our youngest was doing because she has been sick with a virus. That is all the contact since last night. What do I do next, continue a 180? Please help me! He is ready to try one day, out the door the next. He tells the counselor any time we have fun together he knows I think it means everything will be fine so he backpedals after any good day so I don't get my hopes up. What should I do?
So just a quick update my H called me 45 min. ago to talk about D's dr. appt even though I had texted him that it turned out to be just a virus. So he didn't need to call...anyway he then said he had an appointment for himself for this afternoon as he felt similar to our D. I told him I hoped he would be feeling better and then very casually offered to tell the kids he had a "work meeting" tonight & would be gone(since he is now at a hotel). He said no, he would be home tonight after his dr. appointment. I asked if he would be eating dinner with us, he said yes. Then I offered to go out myself once he got there if he wanted alone time with the kids, but he said I could stay. I asked him if he got my message last night, he said yes. I reiterated that I do want what is best for him, he said he understood that. Then I repeated my wish for his improving health and said I would see him tonight. I ended the call before we got into "weird" territory. So any suggestions on how I should handle tonight? Don't know if he is coming home to sleep too or just to see the kids, then back to hotel, etc. Guess I will keep the topics light and let him approach me. Thanks for any suggestions!
So H came home to our house last night after being at a hotel the night before. He came in after his dr. appt (around 5:45 pm), put away the stuff he bought at the pharmacy, started playing with the kids like a normal night. Things were going well, I just stayed upbeat and kept all conversation light and NO talk about R. We had a small crisis which usually ruins our evening when we have one. H got under sink for a garbage bag and found the sink leaking underneath. Got mad, asked me how long it had been going on why didn't I tell him, etc. I just kept calm, said I didn't know it had happened that it had been fine a few hours before when I got something from under the sink. So he actually calmed down and fixed the leak instead of getting super angry and combative. Way new for him not to escalate small problems. We played with the kids all night, with he, I, and S playing Tranformers game after D went to bed. I put S to bed and came out to find husband asleep on couch. I asked him if he was staying or going back to the hotel so I could go to bed (I sleep in Ds room when he is home, in our room when he is gone). He said he was staying at the house. So I went to bed, said goodnight, left it at that, no questioning. This morning I noticed his shaving kit, etc. was in our bathroom so I know he isn't packed to go anywhere tonight. Called him at work as I am filling out day care forms for our D to go in when I start back at work in 2 weeks--when husband moves to apartment. I asked him if he wanted our address under his name on the form, or his apartment address. He said our address. I said okay, and got off the phone while we were still upbeat. Should I just keep playing it cool, doing the 180, GAL, etc? I talked last night about how excited I was to be going back to work (at first I complained about it bc the only reason I am going back to work is so we can afford 2 places to live)and how much our son is looking forward to full-time preschool. Seemed to go over much better than the old, worried, depressed me! Anyway the only wrinkle is tonight is his bowling league night. He hasnt been for 4 weeks with the holidays and work travel. The OW from his PA is on the league with him and other co-workers, he only ended the A 11 days ago so don't know how it will be for him to spend the evening with her (and the other coworkers). He used to stay out late after bowling to be with her & said he was getting beers with "the team". There are 7 more weeks of bowling league before the season ends..although I noticed he left his bowling shirt in the closet. Don't know if that means he decided not to go tonight, or just forgot the shirt...Wish me luck not calling him tonight or asking him what he was up to if/when he comes home!
Tonight is going to be really, really, really, really hard if he goes bowling. You just can't undo all the good you've done.
I really admire how well you are handling all of this and I'm just writing to send you strength not to call/ask, if/when he comes home. It has to be getting more clear to him every day, as you are quietly showing him, that the source of his unhappiness isn't his home and family.
You've been very clear about your feelings and your wish for him to find peace. This is exactly what I did. Now just realize that he heard you.
Thanks for the support Deauxlie! It has been so hard but I'm trying. I got home from picking S up from preschool and H's truck was at the house. He isn't usually home during the day. Turns out he came home to pick up his bowling ball and shirt because he forgot them this morning. I just made some light comment like "Yeah, I suppose you can't bowl without your ball" or something to show I wasn't upset about him bowling (even though of course I AM!)I casually asked if he was going to be home tonight (I worry about the hotel thing, which is silly since I know he'll be in his own apartment in 2 weeks anyway!) and he said he would be home tonight. He was getting ready to leave when I screwed up a little. Last night our son walked Daddy around the house with his eyes closed, and stopped in front of me, like it was a game. H opened his eyes and saw me, S just smiled and looked at both of us. Husband shrugged and continued with the phone call he was on. I asked and S said he wanted Daddy to come hug me---obviously he has noticed we stopped doing that, poor guy! I went in to H and mentioned what S wanted, H gave me a big hug where S could see us and it made his night. So anyway, as H was leaving today I mentioned "Maybe we should hug more often in front of him since he seems pretty worried about it." H replied "Yeah, but won't that confuse him in a couple of weeks?" referring to his moving, which the kids don't know about yet. I told him that was possible, and dropped the subject. Told him I would see him later and went in to play with kids while he left. I didn't know if I should just let it go but felt crappy about it, hoped he didn't take it as a pursuit. So I sent him a text "Never mind the hugging, I thought it would reassure him that we would always love each other. I get what you are saying about the mixed messages though". I only mentioned the always love each other part because my husband has said repeatedly that he will always love me, and our MC said when we tell our son next week about the separation to really focus on the fact that we will always love each other and always be a family regardless of the outcome of the separation. So anyway, I plan to do my very best NOT to contact him the rest of the night. And if/when he comes home I will also do my best not to pry into how his night went.
You have my support and prayers during your personal/family troubles. If I were you I would be proud of the many steps you have taken. I have had to learn to do much the same in hopes of regaining my wife.
Thanks for the support! I am off now to my individual C appointment. The first individual one I have had. Tomato, I hope you are having luck with your situation, too. I appreciate the prayers and will send some your way!
Thanks again for the support. My C appointment went really well. We are going to focus on making myself a priority and getting back the outgoing, happy personality that I had up until a couple years ago when all the bad stuff started... On a different note, I got out of the counseling session and within minutes had a text from H wanting to know how the appointment went. I responded with an enthusiastic "Great!" and told him I was going to focus on making myself a priority and getting my happy personality back. I also told him to have a great time at bowling and that I knew he needed to have some fun with all the stress he was under. That took a lot for me to do, but I think it probably surprised him. Then I came home to find a voicemail from him from 3 hrs ago, saying that he saw I had called him earlier and should call him back (I had called before my appt. to warn him that with the new year, our deductible was back at 0 so I had to pay $125 today). I didn't call him back. So after being upbeat with him and not trying too hard, I wound up with a voicemail and a text message. Hmm... I feel really confident that I will NOT call or text him the rest of the night re. bowling even if he does stay out way late. Once the kids go to bed I am going to work on all my teaching applications. If he comes home and finds me working on getting a full-time job hopefully he will see I really am looking out for myself and for the future and not sitting around needing him (although I DO want him, hee hee).
It is pretty neat when you get confirming positive results from doing the counter intuitive principles that are the main staple of DB'ing. Sometimes the positives only come in small doses and sometimes they are happening without us even realizing that they are. Seeking and following guidance from God will always put you where you want to be though. Have a good night. Stay strong with God.
