Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? is he too young for MLC?

Yep We sure are her for that! Good for you have fun tonight and leave the phone at home!!
Sorry you had a lonely night. I think I should have just stayed home alone last night myself.I was very quiet most of the night thinking and only drank two drinks all night. W got mad yelled I yelled back and went home alone. I just need to use the advise I have been given to make this DB stuff work before its to late for me. so hard to disengage and step back and not pursue any more.

I was going to keep my mouth shut and try to stay off the boards for a while, but.. sigh.
sounds like you could really use some advice right now

So, i'll give what I have.

your H has said he's interested in giving things a try.

you are understandably cautious. you want to do things the right way, and not jumping things too quick together again.
All really good, sensible things.

What is your plan for allowing for reconciliation, and at the same time, not messing up your efforts in that direction from rushing, or other common mistakes?

you need a plan. And it needs to be one for both of you, by both of you, i think.

Right now, seems like you are reacting based on your feelings.
that approach is almost guaranteed to fail.





So.. have you told him that?
If not.. I think you need to tell him. explicitly, and that bluntly.

If he agrees, then I suggest that you bring up working on some kind of plan together. There are books on recovering from separation, that can help you come up with one.



erm... yeah. actually, depending on how badly your spouse is treating you... yes it does, seems like

Once things reach the separated state.. it majorly sucks for the LBS to stick things out, and keep holding out a hand that has repeatedly been slapped, bitten, and stung.

There are a lot of "marital recovery" books and strategies out there. I dont know of a single one, that doesnt result in the "standing" spouse, going through a lot of hurt and suffering, while the other person decides whether or not to recommit. If there was, I'd be the first one on the bandwagon



Nothing wrong with that. At the same time, though... I would really suggest not snubbing him, at times when he's actually making positive efforts towards you.
It would discourage him from making further ones.

I'd suggest being honest with what you are doing, and why.

Not that I have any great insight into the leaving spouse's heart but it just doesnt seem to make sense to me, to basically "go dark", right after he has said he is interested in working on things.

Okay so i went out last night and had a pretty good time. I did leave my cell at home. But I did send H a text saying I was alright and I would talk to him later. So when I got home I had 20 phone calls and texts from him. An hour later he was at my door. He told me that it was the worst day of his life. He doesn't like not knowing where I am and he doesn't like me not talking to him. So maybe yesterday I didn't really go dark I just did a 180? Normally I would be sitting by my phone waiting to hear from him and jump on the times that he wants to come out. When I didn't do that he fell apart. i have always been there for him and helped him pick up the pieces.

So Dom I was honest with him about what I was doing and we have started to make a small plan on how to get things back to a good M. I am not really sure where to go from here because I was not expecting this for at least another 4 mmonths. In my goals I had us doing this in the spring. So a plan to get us bad on track wasn't something I had looked at. I was setting small realistic goals that I could accomplish. Baby steps. It seems we took one huge step in the last few days and I am kinda lost. He hasn't moved back in yet but I guess we'll see what happens in the next week or so. i don't want it to happen too fast beause I want it to be right this time.

I'm very happy for you. Yeah, i guess you could call it a 180 if you like

and I dont think that "fast" neccessarily means "wrong", if both people are really committed to giving it their full effort. I think that you just have to know what things might go "wrong" is beforehand, so you can avoid them.
The mods deleted a post I made about a book for some reason. Dont know why, they didnt tell me. but I'll try again. If they delete this one, would be nice to know why, specifically, since references to other books seem to get left alone.
I only got a brief look through it, but it seems like "getting back together" is a book that might be helpful for you. It is specifically targeted towards people who are separated; some pitfalls to avoid; planning when to reconcile (and when NOT to reconcile)... and also some tips on making sure that things will be different when and if you come back together.

It has a section specifically on the dangers of premature reconciliation, so that alone may be helpful to both of you.
good luck.

Very happy for you!! Take your time but it sounds promising for you!! Happy new Year to you!!

Well this week end was up and down with H. He was pretty excited about coming home for the week end and I was pretty happy to have him here. At first we chatted about nothing to detailed. We had a nice dinner and watched a movie. Then we started talking. Actually he started the R talk. The convo was a little weird. It felt like he was trying to see how far he could push me before I would BLOW. I didn't. I was very calm and kept my composure through it all. he was talking about other women and things they had said to him about me. And not in a bad way, but a he said she said way. And him wanting to know if I believed him or her. At this point I don't know who to believe. Then he starts snooping through my phones to see who I am talking to. He felt like a reall a$$ when he started in on me about calling my girlfriends boyfriend. I explained to him that my girlfriend was there visiting for 4 days and I was calling her. (He forgot she went away)

Anyways, this talk made Saturday a quiet day. It wasn't bad just quiet. later that night he starts in again with really weird talk. Like he just wants me to blow up. Again I wouldn't. He gave up a lot easier this time. We watched another movie and went to sleep.

So Sunday is when it all broke loose. My oldest S came to tell my H that the bunnies had babies and could he come and help him. My H turns to me and starts in on me about keeping the bunnies apart and I have nothing better to do so why I am not doing the farm chores better. I very calmly told him that the farm thing is what he wanted not me and that he needed to take care of this. I told him I wanted a house in the suburbs with a cat and dog not all of this. So he tells me to get a job and move. I asked if he was gonna help with daycare for our kids and there was no way I would go flip burgers for $8 an hour. I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do because my whole life had been about our business and with him gone I was not part of it anymore. (that was his choice and doing) He told me the only thing I was qualified for was flipping burgers and that's what I should do. I looked at him, didn't say a word and walked out of the house. He left angry. As soon as he got home he was texting how much he hates his life and that he has no life plan anymore. And that was it.

What a week end! I am starting to doubt my love for him. Is that normal?

'course it is. When you are trying to show love to someone, and they treat you callously, or with disrespect, it's natural to think to yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

It sounds to me like you did really well over the weekend, despite his negative treatment of you. nice going.

Keep up the good work!! Be possitve and work on you! Thats so hard but its the right thing to do. You have a great week as well! I think you are on the right track and just need to stay the cource.

Well I got an apology from H today about what he had said to me. Sometimes it is a little to late. i did acknowledge him when I got it but I don't really accept it. I'm hurt and I don't think a little sorry on a text is going to cover it this time. I haven't be mean to him or anything but he can't keep putting lemon juice on a open wound.

I did however go to school today and enrolled in some classes. He wasn't happy about it either. But I am doing this for myself. I don't care if he isn't happy that I am GAL.

Thats great!Sounds positive! You go girl! Get that life!