Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Long and Bumpy Road #3

Locked another I see.

Just got back from H's. We watched football and just hung out for awhile. At first it was really tense and akward. I never really feel comfortable going to his house anyway. That is not our home like my house was. When he comes here I am fine.

Its so hard to believe this was a man I was married to and now it feels like we are dating and maybe not even that. We didn't have any R talks at all. We did talk about the baby and how excited he was. The whole time I was thinking, but is this it? Is this the life you want for us and baby? I didn't say a word though.

I just got home and he really didn't even ask me to stay. It was a nice afternoon/evening but it sure seems strange for people that were married and now having a child. Almost like we are strangers again.

I understand that feeling, believe me. Funny, H and I were supposed to watch football and get something to eat. He ended up asking if we could do it another time. What was I supposed to say? It turns out he had a better offer, I guess. He tried to use the excuse that he didn't want to do anything, but he ended up going out after he was with me. Whatever. I need to accept that he has a new life and it isn't with me. I'm glad you spent time with your H. Remember, stay calm and take baby steps. You spent time with him, hopefully it will progress from there.

I almost wish now that I didn't go to H's yesterday. It just sets me back emotionally and I can't get over the feeling that H's motives are not what he says they are. I really do believe that he just wants us to stay friendly so I don't shut him out of this baby's life.

I had a thought today too and I really hope I am off base but do you think that possibly H is telling OW that they need to back off their relationship until after I have this baby because of what I could do to H? Its a real possiblility. I don't trust anything that H says anymore. I have no idea what is truth and what is a lie.

I haven't heard from him today which could mean one of two things...he is having a bad day or he felt he did the required communication and now he doesn't need to.

Sorry for being so negative.

SO2 - I think it is highly unlikely that he told OW that they needed to back off for a while. Do you really think she would go for that? Would you? I know I wouldn't.
If you never spend time with him, how are you supposed to rebuild anything. Unfortunately, this is one of those leap of faith things. Don't let your emotions get overly wrapped up in yesterday. DB'ing states that you should accept some invitations to spend time and turn down others.
You are doing what I do - overthinking. Remember: Feelings are NOT facts. Just because you feel something does not make it true.
As for the no contact today, It's only noon. And, if it doesn't happen, don't sweat it. He's not going anywhere.
You're entitled to be negative if you want, but just remember, it does no good. I know that you are afraid to get your hopes up. Believe me, I know. Just relax and try not to get of track. You'll be fine.

Dang Blindsided...you are sounding so much better. You should reread what you posted to me and see how strong you are...Thank you.

I don't know what he told OW. But she knows darn well i am pregnant and she isn't backing off yet. Any normal woman would run for the hills when her 'friend' told her he got his exwife pregnant.

You are right on the time thing. I will never know. It is just from past experience over the last year and a half of him saying and doing completely different things that you begin to not trust a word they say.

I think the best thing is to go about my life like we are going to coparent this child and nothing more. That way I keep my expectations low.

Do you ever wonder if even at best case scenario they do want their marriages and families back that you will ever be able to trust them? If that day ever came I know my H would not be standing on his head to prove to me he is genuine. He would want to go on like normal and not do anything different. He wants to forget that he wasn't there for me the night I went to hospital alone, the day he walked out the door, or that he filed for divorce. I am just supposed to forget about those feelings.

I am probably overthinking this but I can't help it. Had a few interesting text sessions with H yesterday.

H: How is everything going?
***I was on a walk so I didn't get back to him for about an hour.***
Me: Going good.
H: What did you do last night?
Me: Went home. Why?
H: Just asking.

Why did he ask me that? I left his house early without him hinting for me to go. I didn't stay the night and maybe that shocked him and he thought I had other plans. Yeah right I am 7 months pregnant!

Then last night:
H: You and baby sleep good. I love you all.
Me: You too.

Never heard again. I can tell he doesn't like me distant, but what the heck does he expect? I know he expects me to still be there in all ways for him, throwing myself at him and he still going about his life picking and choosing what he wants.

I really hate playing games but it does protect my heart and I don't feel that let down.

Good morning, SO2,

I've just read the last couple of notes, so forgive me if this is old territory. The WAH believes he knows you and that you'll never change - those beliefs give him confidence that he can walk away and you'll "stay put". Challenging those beliefs, even with something as simple as not spending the night, can stir things up. We don't know why he asked, but we do know that he did ask - curiosity is a powerful ally.

As for protecting your heart, it's not a game. Treat your story with the proper amount of respect - we don't owe our story to just anyone, but to those who demonstrate that they will treat it with dignity. Hopefully H will get it someday soon and treat you with more respect, in the mean time it's helpful for him to see you treating yourself with calm, confident respect!

Love well!

I think that when you treat yourself with respect its sorta two fold. It wakes them up a bit and also makes you feel empowered and not letting them have so much control over our lives.

How are things going today for you? You sound like you're feeling good. I find out the sex of the baby on the 28th. I am totally excited. It would be better if I hadn't been such a whiney little baby yesterday. But, today is another day.

Today I am ok. Pretty good actually. I find that when I am dbing and calling the shots for my own life I am much better.

Forget about yesterday, its over. Start new today.