peace: That's how I was looking at it too - 'trust building'. On both sides. No response from H though.
I've been feeling really blah lately. I knew not to expect anything, but seeing positives and then seeing H go running back in to his tunnel isn't easy. So now, I'm feeling despair/desperation/depression. I guess they're all the same or related... Despair that there's no hope for my M. Desperation of wanting (not needing) someone to share my life with. Depression about facing the reality of being a divorced single mother soon with 2 young boys who will grow up without a dad. And that H is a complete idiot for falling for such a bottom-feeding OW that he's even ashamed to admit where he met her. And now he's living his life with her.
Sadly, S5 now says he doesn't care anymore that H isn't coming home. I do believe it's true that children are resilient, but I think this will definitely affect him as an adult.
I used to think that ogre would be the only winner if H and I were to D. But now I see her prize as a broken, damaged man who bears no resemblance to the man I married. I need to convince myself that I can come out on top with this D... I didn't think our M would ever end like this, but I can't take this situation much longer. Especially when I feel like the only reason H isn't filing for D is because he's not ready to marry ogre (H told friend he's not ready for M). Also starting to think that the only reason H wants to help me buy the company I'm working for is so that I will stay in this country and he'll be able to see the boys when he wants. Both are enough to make me want to file and move, but I know I have to do both for the right reasons and not to spite H.
Sometimes it's all so clear to me. Today, it's all just jumbled up in my head again. Plus, the IRL friends who were so supportive and interested in helping seem to have disappeared...
Hi sh- So many of us here are struggling. For me, I have figured out that the bottom line is I need to figure out what is going to make me happy. I can detach and GAL but, I still feel like there is still a part of me waiting for my H to make up his mind...and at least for me, the cycling makes it even harder.
I may not be the one to give you advice today since I am trying to figure out where I am at in all of this...but there isn't one of us here who has to be in any hurry to change anything. Take your time to process your feelings because you know they can change from one minute to the next. Why not just be still until you are absolutely sure you can't take it anymore.
It is so sad that your S doesn't care anymore about your H coming home anymore...I am sure it is just a defense mechanism. It is too bad that your H can understand the impact he is having on his sons. You are right, kids are resilient but ultimately they are better off with their parents together. I have seen what my children have had to go through since they were babies. They didn't deserve to be shuffled back and forth and fought over like they were a piece of property. If your H were ever able to buy your company, let him. If you and your H don't get back together, your kids are better off where they can see both parents regularly. It may be harder on you...but better for them.
When my XH and I got divorced and the OW won...I figured out what a prize she got. I know they are not happy people...if they were, they would not do the things they do to me and my kids. The best think you can do is hope and pray that your H deals with his issues so he can become a better man for your kids.
Try not to put too much thought into what your IRL friends think...it has to be hard for them to continually see your disappointment and pain. You have to do what is right for you...you have to do whatever it is that is going to bring you happiness. Unfortunately, right now especially, that seems to be like trying to find the Holy Grail.
SH, sorry to know that you are in a bad mood today. It is not easy to see your H this way.
The way I see it is that if there is a D, it is not a matter of OW wins or not. That's her problem. Lots of people in this world are richer, happier, have everything in life. That's life. Some people ends up with the upper hand, some do not. What matters is YOU!!! How you can make your life happier. If D makes you happier, so be it. If OW wins, even if she gets H (who is broken, but even if he is the best person in the world), good luck to her. What happens to her is her life. I know it must feel bad to feel like losing to a person like OW. But it is not about you, it is your H that makes the poor choice. You know you are strong and attractive and miles better than OW. Itis your stupid H who cannot see that. His problem. Concentrate on yourself and your kids.
Maanwhile, please take care of yourself. There will be times when you feel so alone when no one is around to talk to. A friend told me, "every family has their own problems." Ultimately, they will all go back to working on their family, life, issues, fun things. This board is great because we all know each other's situation and how bad it is and will offer support. At the same time, we are all different and will have to deal with things that works for us.
SH I think we are all having our own crises lately where months ago it just seemed hard all of a sudden its impossible to Gal -PMA I think im rebeling There is no real solution you have come such a long way and have been very patient tomorrow will be better I think we need to practice not thinking about H at all just practicing no thoughts since there is no solution no sense projecting cause none of us really know what will happen sorry about your S somehow our kids will get thru it it is sad, but if we continue making these positive changes, kids will benefit from us as for H, well most H here do still participate with kids to some drgree and hopefully after MLC whethewr back home or not, they will be more available peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I read this on cnn.com - it supports my view that we are all experiencing a low after the holiday season:
'it would be easy to believe the theory set forth by Dr. Cliff Arnall, a researcher from Cardiff University, that the third Monday of the month (Jan. 21, this year) - a day he calls Blue Monday - will be our most depressing day of the year. Arnall bases his yearly prediction on a formula he developed, which factors in the weather, consumer debt from holiday spending and failed New Year's resolutions and arrives at that conclusion that we'll hit rock bottom on Monday the 21st.'
I also remember reading somewhere else that January is peak season for D filing...
Not much to report. H and I are pretty much back to NC. His behavior is puzzling. Seems depressed again, focusing only on his computer games. Over the weekend, my kids were running around, laughing, having so much fun with their cousins who were also laughing at how funny they were being. H didn't even turn his head to look at them.
Then the next day when I went to pick S5 up, I sat with them for a while as they played their computer game. H is usually gone by the time I pick S5 up, but was still there. H and I actually laughed and jokingly argued about something that had happened the week before. It was so normal. Until later on, when H left and there was an uncomfortable silence among his mom, S5 and I. Knowing he's going back to be with ogre is crushing. It's so much easier when I don't have to see him.
UD: You're right about S5 using defense mechanisms. I worry about how he will be as an adult because of this. As for the kids being able to see both parents regularly, I actually read in a study about children of divorce that the most ideal situation is when parents are able to truly and effectively co-parent. As this is rarely the case, the next best scenario is when one parent is absent from the children's lives - this is because the children are not forced to live in 2 worlds when being 'bounced' between the parents. In my case, I feel like if I were the one to choose to move, neither the boys or I could hold anything against my H anymore because it's my decision. My goal is to minimize the damage done to my kids. S5 is starting to realize that some of the things H says and does don't add up. Maybe physically removing them from the situation is the best option.
OC: Thanks for the encouragement. Everything that you said is true. I guess it's alot like seeing someone you love deal with an addiction problem and realizing that your efforts to help them are completely useless. It's so hard to sit by and watch them self-destruct, yet there is no way we can help unless they want help for themselves.
peace: It seems like no matter how busy I am, no matter what's going on in my personal life - the second I have a minute to think, my mind goes straight back to H. At times, H is still the very first thing that enters my mind when I wake up. I still think about him every night before I sleep. Last night, I dreamt about him. I know I am much farther along than I was - I'm comfortable with where I'm at, much more detached and know I'll be ok with a D. Just need to get him out of my head. Maybe too many memories everywhere I go and too much attachment to his family...
peace: It seems like no matter how busy I am, no matter what's
Quote:
going on in my personal life - the second I have a minute to think, my mind goes straight back to H. At times, H is still the very first thing that enters my mind when I wake up. I still think about him every night before I sleep. Last night, I dreamt about him. I know I am much farther along than I was - I'm comfortable with where I'm at, much more detached and know I'll be ok with a D. Just need to get him out of my head. Maybe too many memories everywhere I go and too much attachment to his family...
still, i am living the exact same way. i keep wondering why...after all that he has done...all that has happened...after all this time...all the hurt and rejection i have felt...why can't i hate him? why can't i bury the love i feel for him?...why can't i just get on with my life and leave him in the past...why can't i get over him?
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Just not ready yet, maybe. I does take time after decades to detach all the way. I find I am also better in the day than in the eve. Today I was thinking, what did I think and talk about before all this happened. I have been trying to focus on that thought. Also, I have been thinking that a year has gone by and most of it I was wrapped up in my H's mess. I was thinking of all the great things I could be doing if I wasn't thinking about him.
Not sure you need to leave him in the past or hate as much as retrain your mind to enjoy yourself when you are alone. Before all this what did you do when your H was not at home?
there was a book recommended by my C, "families apart". It is out of print now and I got it from Amazon. This is the only book on co-parenting that I read so I am not sure how good it is. May be you can check it out from the library. I gave it to another friend who is D'ing, or I could have sent it to you.
I do believe a two parent household is best for the kids. But in your situation, at least the current moment with the friends that your H is hanging around with, may be just you as a single parent is best. Just my opinion. I think what would be missing would be a good father figure and you will have to find a sub for that. When I was considering D, I thought about who would be that father figure, I have my brother and other relatives in mind so I know my kids will be OK. That's the same time I realize how much more my kids are around the motherly figure than male figure. My H is spending tons more time with the kids now so that's good. But the kids still ask for me when I am gone, but not daddy. They are used to him just disappearing at times. Sad.
If your H were ever able to buy your company, let him. If you and your H don't get back together, your kids are better off where they can see both parents regularly. It may be harder on you...but better for them.
I know they are not happy people...if they were, they would not do the things they do to me and my kids. The best think you can do is hope and pray that your H deals with his issues so he can become a better man for your kids.