Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Question about OW

I talk a good talk but am still hurting inside. I do realize that this is so not the man that is my best friend and my soulmate. This behavoir of his is just unexplainable. I do however have to give him the time and space he needs, although he will swear he doesn't need to think about anything and that his decision is final. I look at the fact that he two steps around questions from me about getting together to work out a parenting agreement and shy's away from talking about getting a seperation...almost as though he says he is done and wants out but then really doesn't deep down inside. Like he needs to sew some wild oats and then come home at some point and know we aren't officially over. He knows how intense and deep my love is for him and maybe he is hoping I will always be there. So for right now I have to buckle in for what could be a tremendously long and rocky ride. I have also told him I love him unconditionally and forgive all to which he replied with a Thank You. I believe those are words he needed to hear just as much as I needed to say them.

Try the books I listed above by Jim Conway. If you library has them or even buy them if you can swing it. They really do delve into why the MLC'er does these things and the process and steps they take and the struggles they are fighting with as they are doing all these abnormal things. They are great. They are the reason I have taken this new found path of fighting the good fight but fighting it from a distance as to not push his buttons and drive him away more.

I will be ordering the conway books. I really do think my H is in a MLC also. He is 47 and prior to the "bomb" he laid on me showed all the signs now that I think about it. He even talked about wearing an earing again - Ha! He focused on his weight and was weighing himself several times a day and started talking about how everyone has an"aura" around them good or bad. He has never talked like that in the 20 years I knew him. But I wonder which came first the MLC or if all of this was a product of the OW's attention?

I believe the MLC symptoms begin first as they struggle with self doubt and concerns over getting older and less appealing to people in general. I think a female, whether it be someone who is a friend or someone new all together, just happens to show up and give the right look and say the right things and they feel like a teen again. Suddenly there is a woman giving them attention and making them feel like they are the only person in the world that matter which is part of what they need. As husbands and fathers they feel they are only providers and can't duck those responsibilities that come along with being a husband and father. In my case, I feel that this new friend hubby met was the right female at the right time and he felt comfortable talking to her about how he was feeling about life in general and the stresses of bills, work, a marriage that was plugging along very ho hum, all the things that he should have been able to talk to me about but felt he needed an outside perspective on. I do believe they developed and intense emotional bond and he denies there was ever any sexual contact and I have to right now take it as the truth until he tells me otherwise.

It's hard beig, in my case, married to someone for 15 years and then they suddenly decide without any obvious warning that they Love you but aren't in love with you anymore and want out then move out. It is also very hard for me handling the kids as they are emotinal wrecks but he sees them as happy because when they are with him of course they are since their rock and stability is back although for a short time. Then I get them back and it takes an entire week of trying to calm them then he gets them again.

He seems to fight so much the idea that there could actually be something going on in his head and pshyche causing these feelings and that maybe the feelings aren't as severe as he thinks. He swears there is no reconciling this and that he has NEVER been happier than he is right now being away from me oh but it KILLS him inside to be away from his kids.

Keep your chin up and hold out hope until you and only you knows when it is time to make some hard choices. You however are still very new to this as I am and we have long hard roads ahead of us.

Hi monkey bug - I think your right - it just so happens the ow comes along at just the right time when they are rethinking their lives and wondering what else is there and look at the every day same old routine they have with us and maybe we dont compliment them as much or put them first and flatter them becuase the kids come first - then the ow is fun, appreciates them, doesnt talk about bills or the kids and they look at their lives with us and think the grass is greener. I know how hard it is picking up the pieces with the kids - my H is so uninvolved right now. He does not even stick to every other weekend visitation. My H also said there was no chance of reconciling and he was "really enjoying himself now". But then he slipped and came back for a few days and then left again. So pay no attention to what they say right now. With time he may change his mind. I think to myself sure your enojoying yourself - wouldnt we all like to live a fantasy for awhile! But we wouldnt not at the cost of our families. Anyway keep your chin up too. We really dont know what the future holds......

You are right we can't see into the future. I am working on keeping my chin up.

He is still avoiding the parenting agreement get together and any talks of filing for seperation so I am left to believe he isn't really ready to get to that extreme yet and is maybe just enjoying his time to think and be alone and with friends. He did tell me tonight that he would think about he and I getting together for a meal and maybe a movie sometime soon when I asked him if we could do something like that. He shuts down when I try talking to him in person or on the phone but when we text he seems more open. I told him that I am happy for him that he has found this happiness and peace(even though we all know it isn't really all that)and that I don't want to be the one holding him back. However I do feel his happiness is all an act, I just get that impression by his body language and the tone in his voice, like he is trying too hard to prove to me that what he is saying is true when it really isn't.

I asked him tonight if he would like to come over more during the week and his repsonse was that he couldn't since he works too late. Well when he walked out he said then that he still wanted to come home every night to put the kids to bed. Go figure!!

This DB'ing is hard work and I am failing miserably. As soon as I get good vibes from him I latch on and I know I am not supposed to from reading DR and DB. I need to do the NO CONTACT LAST RESORT thing and not text or call him at all and not try to engage him at all in conversations when we are together. Let him engage me and then respond shortly and sweetly then move on. That will be the hardest job to learn how to do.

Make it shorter goals. Try one day to not be the one to contact him. Handle anything yourself, and then move to the next day. Don't let yourself get angry between when he isn't contacting you. It will affect your next contact. It is so very hard!

LWB-

Question for you since you have been at this longer than I. In previous posts form me I have mentioned that H still wants to come over and do whatever I need to have done around the house and all those husbandly things they normally do. I was advised by some in here to let him if it is something I personally can't handle. Now my question for you is silly but still...H is an auto. tech. and has been telling me for a couple weeks he will do my oil change in my van that is overdue but hasn't yet. Should I just stop asking him and go to a Jiffy Lube or Valvoline so it's done and then run the risk of angering him because I took it to one of those places or do I continue to ask him to do it and anger him because I am nagging?