Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There is only me

As I was pulling weeds today I was thinking about cultivation and turning and sifting. That bible verse popped into my head "...but the enemy has desired to sift you as wheat but I (Jesus) have prayed for you, that your faith will not fail".

I have since read that the biblical definition for the word translated "desire" is "demand for a trial".

"Risk more. Worry less"

Sounds remarkably similar to something Jesus used to tell me.

Die to self...

It took me a while before I realized what's been wrong with me lately. I don't have any passion for anything anymore. The only time I know peace is when I get to be at the house with H and the kids, which is rare and a false sense of peace, at best.

An angel sent me a book that said.

"....Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: 'I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own and I know you as my own. You belong to me...'".

I cried so much that now I just have to go to sleep.

He started talking to me about church which really isn't something I can talk to him about. I haven't been going and he wanted to know why. He kept pushing that until I blew and tears were in my eyes and I couldn't even see but he kept at me (not in a mean way - just trying to talk because he knows how much church meant to me before...). So he pushed and I sorta blew up and told him that before I ever started going to church we had been "fine" (by our "old standards", you understand). Then I started going to church and taking the kids and instead of being able to pray for him like I should have - I was blessed with MLC and then that stupid SOB I had a crush on when I was 19 had crossed my path and got my head turned around ass backwards. I went on even further....through the time I was in crisis to the day I "woke up" and started fighting to save us and - this got heated because it was all just bubbling up and flowing outta me - "I did everything right and did it for all the right reasons and WHAT DID IT GET ME? A more f'ed up family than ever before!Don't you even talk to me about church, Jeff!"

The talk got started when my husband was telling me about my stepdaughter (17) who wants to lock up her boyfriend (22). We didn't even raise her and she's a friggin HEADCASE with a baby. Let's not even get into that though. Long story short, H was talking about jail. He said "I spent 7 days there. That boy doesn't want to go there". My head started spinning at "I spent 7 days there". I don't think there has been a bigger shock in this whole mess. There have been many things I had forgotten and have been reminded of since my "emergence from the tunnel" so to speak. NONE have been more stunning than finding out I actually put him in jail for 7 friggin days. I thought it was two...but it was over a holiday weekend... then the attorney his parents got for him dragged his feet requesting a bond hearing (which IS RIDICULOUS and I know that's what happened because that is NOW one of MY jobs as a legal assistant). Nevertheless, the wave of realization just kept washing over me and I thought of DNQ's post about his jail experience. To be honest with you, I can't even tell you what Jeff was saying during that time. I know I was horrified and it took me a while to snap out of that. He did tell me that was in the past. I shook my head no. That's all I remember about that part. [quote]

[quote]Briefly we talked about D11. I was actually very uncomfortable with that because it is just such a raw subject and regarding that, I've been mad as hell at him. I listened before I spoke. He said it was killing him to see me and her like this...that he can only imagine what it is doing to me....I just looked at him and when he said nothing else I then calmly told him that his inability to set boundaries for her and hold her accountable for her actions (or inactions) has made it so that I am the bad guy and I am coming to resent him for it. I told him my fear of offending him has caused me to not take the appropriate actions concerning her, but that would no longer be the case. I also told him he needs to open his eyes and take a real good look at what has happened to his relationship with her. I told him one word: "co-dependant". I told him that he doesn't get to climb into a bottle when he is stressed and then take out his stress on her, thereby raising HER stress level. She is a child. You are the parent. This led to him telling me that Saturday morning he had gone to the place where he used to attend the court ordered AA meetings. No one was there. He said "Amy I thought I could always go back...but there was no one there". I said "Jeff, you're in trouble". That is when he said "I am an alcoholic, Amy". He has never, in 12 freakin years, said those words. NEVER.

~~

I had the diamond ring he gave me one Christmas (after that first separation when had come home but I was still MLC and going deeper) on my right hand. He leaned over and tapped it and said "why do you wear that?" I said "because it reminds me of when there was still hope". He told me that the night he gave it to me, I wore it to my Grandmother's house (christmas eve) but I did not wear it home. I had put it back in the box in my purse. I don't remember that. But I asked him "have you not realized yet that there is a LOT of things I don't remember about that time?". I tried to explain to him that I had "pockets of reality" when I understood what was happening and I felt horrible but then all the anger would rise up and the self-righteousness...and I'd be lost again. He asked me if I did not realize what I would lose. I said that I did not at the time, because I did not know what I had. He said "You had a man that loved you and was more concerned for you and your happiness than I was my own. Sexually, I lived to please you and I always thought what we had was special. Why did you leave me?" He asked me what om did for me that he could not and I said nothing. I told him that in the beginning of the affair, I was very much caught up in feelings of the "old" crush I'd had when I was 19. I told him that sexually om had been a huge disappointment to me BECAUSE Jeff had always taken such good care of me. I told him it just took me a few months to realize all that om lacked however then there were still all the other issues between me and Jeff...my resentment that had grown over the years, etc...

I asked what he had meant the night he said that if the numbers came back right for the refinance that we "would all benefit" and I felt like a fool when he answered me. I felt like a fool for thinking he wanted us to come home. That it was for the addition.

He intended to pay off my car.
Instead of throwing up, which is what I felt like doing, I thanked him for thinking of doing that, had he cashed out. He said "wouldn't it feel good to no longer have to make that payment?" Yes. But I was sick inside and I KNEW it was ALL pride.
He knew something was wrong and he asked what several times. I truly couldn't form the words to say it because it took me a few minutes to be able to speak without crying. Finally I said it "S14 and I both thought you meant you'd build the addition so we can come home". There. It was out there. He didn't say anything, the kids ran through...I got up and started to throw things away again. He had me come back onto the porch and sit with him some more. I had really had enough. But I also have waited a long time to talk, so I sat back down. He got very close to me. He kissed me several times. One time he was leaning over hugging me and I grabbed him by the back of his head and just planted one on him like I know I haven't done in years. We had a pretty good make-out session and had the kids not been nearby, we'd have hit it out of the park if you know what I'm saying .

Once we started talking again he said that he didn't know what he wants. He said if he would go through again what he went through before, he likes his life now just fine. He said he doesn't want to date, hasn't touched a woman since we separated, doesn't care to. He went back into the connection we'd always had before the MLC, he said he misses me still.

I know there are more things. I guess I will pop back in and write them as I remember them. Sunday morning when I called over there, I was fully prepared for him to be shut back down. He was very warm on the phone though, as well as when I went over there later.

So we will just sit with this a while, I guess, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do from here.

Oh my GOSH! It was SO crazy. I went back over to the house. D12 had her friend over and I helped H get their dinner together. He's still moving a bit slowly and having pain in his neck and shoulders. Doctor says it's normal post-op. At least his arm and hand are better...

Anyway, I went outside with him to help him bring in wood and he said we had to drive the tractor out to the shed at the back of the yard to get more. He cranked up the tractor and motioned for me to hop on. It's very obviously a one-person tractor (do they even make a two-seater? I'm guessing no...) so I just stood there and said there was nowhere for me to sit. He told me to sit on his lap and steer. So I did. We spent the next 15 minutes zipping around the yard and field beside the house - we did not actually need the wood, it turned out. So we two doofuses (would that be 'doofi'?) have the headlight on on the tractor and we're driving all over the field and I am laughing hysterically and zipping in and out of the trees at the edge of the property...and then we got busted!

D12 came running across the yard and the look on her face was as if to say "what the heck is going on here???!!!". She looked totally freaked out and that just made us laugh more. It was GREAT! So about 30 minutes later she and her friend have conned us into taking them for a ride (the trailer was still attached to the back of the tractor) so at 11pm tonight, they were bundled up in the trailer, I was sitting on his lap again and we were doing donuts in the backyard.
Can you say "Ohmygodhowredneckcantheyget?".
It was a freakin blast. I just got home.
I left him contemplating a percocet and oh, he told me I could stay the night. That I could get my bath there and he would give me something to sleep in.

He knows why I had to leave.

Also, after posting this last night and reading a few other threads, I got offline and went to bed. About 10 minutes later the phone rang and it was him.

He was calling to say he had a good time.

The reason I agree with this (well, because it was my idea and you agree with me... )

is because you need to stop this 'game'. Amy hangs out with Jeff, we smooch, we tease, then we cool down.

What is that all about?

Look, here is the way I see it:

Jeff , like me, has a lot of hurt , anxiety, etc. So he chooses to medicate. Bad idea but he doesn't know what else to do. Really.

His W (AmyC) has basically not been supportive, and I don't mean 'Oh Jeff, your life is soooo hard.'

I mean when he was 'down' we all know that Amy, (and MY w) avoided the situation, or nagged on him, and eventually bailed and ran to OM. Then Amy and my W told us how we were 'so last week' and how OM was 'the soulmate'.

Yeah, that hurts. How do I trust my W after that. How does Jeff trust Amy? How does any of the LBS's trust the WAS?

Well, it's simple. We don't. We feel like we are all alone. In many cases WE are the ones who came to this website. WE are the ones who made the effort. It sucks. We feel like we've put out 'enough'. When will THEY do something?

Well, maybe we need to define what THEY can do. I think they can tell use we are not alone. Not by saying it, but by doing what needed to be done months / years ago. A year ago my wife said to me "I'm ready to be your wife again. I want to be 'mom' and lover and companion again. I'm sorry I hurt you so much, and I want to fix our broken life"

She held me, and I have to say at that BEFORE point I was ready to 'let her go'. I was. It surprised me, it made a difference.

Still, I didn't believe her. I was hurt and - to be truthful - this was something I didn't believe she could do.

But her SINCERITY, and her willingness to open her heart, to tell me that she was going to let the past go, to let the future be written now, well that made an impact on me. I listened, I trusted, and still, I 'sat on the sidelines' waiting for 'proof'. I 'waited' for her to 'show me'. I waited. And Waited.

After a month or so, well, she didn't. She was waiting for ME to prove I was 'the man'.

It took some counseling to figure out that we both had our own barriers.

We also sat down and made our 'list' of 'dont's'.

We talked about each one, like "don't drink when you are sad,' Don't yell at me because I don't understand computers', and others. Instead, come to me for hugs and love!"

After a YEAR I finally felt comfortable about this and told her recently that I NEED this : I said to her "Please pay attention to me. Give me 10 hugs per day, like we did when we didn't have children. Help me to feel like I am important to YOU."

It took me that long to 'get it'.

Perhaps the WAS is in the difficult position of being the one who has to put forth the strength to be vulnerable and healing. After all, in many cases, the LBS really didn't address their own issues, they were just TRYING TO SURVIVE. And the WAS was one of the sources of their pain. If the LBS (Jeff, me) already had a lot of trust and safety issues then the WAS who is returning is in a situation where they have to carry a lot of the burden of healing.

The LBS put their life on hold. Stopped dealing with their own issues, so they could deal with the bad situation they found themselves in.

I'm not saying that those of you, the WAS's, should 'appease' the LBS's who are still a mess. Especially if they are men. What I'm saying is this: Please start holding them up, calling them on their issues in a caring way, as in 'Man, I understand how you fell so overwhelmed each day and having a few drinks gives you that calm feeling.' and asking this question: 'What else could we do together to get out of that sh*tty place, where you drink, or are withdrawn or whatever, cause I know you really don't feel good the next day?' I know, let's .....

And DO it. Or, if you know (like my w has finally learned) that they are a 'prickly pear' then GRAB them LOVE them. Believe me, a withdrawn man or woman can't stop you when you tickle them.

Or if you go and, um.....

So hey, my life isn't perfect. However one thing I can say I know is true. Being completely honest, to the point where you feel that what you WANT may not be what THEY want, yet saying it out loud, is the best choice.

Why? Because if you STILL do not say what you mean, what you want, you are still 'fixing'.

Does that help or does it forestall the inevitable?

I don't know.

This is for Amy. My friend, I truly believe that Jeff loves you. I do. He doesn't love Jeff. He would prefer the bottle to facing why he doesn't love Jeff. Trust me, I know.

Yet, if you 'throw yourself' at him it will be uncomfortable. I know how that felt to me. If, however you are totally straight with him, and (if this is your truth) you say, "Jeff, whether or not I am never your wife again, and you are never my husband, I need you to know that I didn't support you when you needed me, and I hurt you in so many ways that I can't count them. I've learned my lesson, and I know what matters in my life, and it's you. If you want me, I'm ready to be your wife forever. I love you and I'll never stop"

If that's what you want, a wife who will love you and never, ever
leave you alone again, then please let me be that woman.

And leave it at that. If he says nothing, then 'act as if' you are that woman. If he says 'no', then you have your answer.

Let him know he is not alone. Tell him that I know how he feels. He can call me any time if he needs to talk to another man.

Your friend,
frank

I'm Jewish as you know Amy, so simply put, something just ain't kosher in Amyville...........