Just trying to get caught up on your thread again. Hope you don't mind me sharing some observations, and maybe some concerns.
The things you did while she was gone were great, but did you do them for the right reasons? This could be coming to a time when you need to think about this more. Clean your room for you. Pay attention to details and get organized for you. Doing these things in hopes of a positive reaction from her may be badly misplaced at this point. Here is why.
You refer to her as a WAW. That is not the same as someone currently disatisfied. If you understand the nature of a WAW and your W fits that mold, then she may already be as good as out the door. I mean she could already have decided to check out of the M emotionally. She may only be there in body ... for the kids. That would torture any H. It will drive you to do anything you can imagine to get another chance.
Those feelings are natural. Now, here is what comes natural to a WAW. She will want to see you fail in order to validate her conclusion that you are no longer right for her. She will punish you at every turn, because she can. It is the anger that they can not shut down. Pure resentment of her situation, based solely on her perception, not your reality.
I snuck into my W's dressing area to make sure she had fresh roses when she came out of the shower for weeks, maybe a couple months. I was finally told to stop wasting money. I lived on eggshells like you are. I took over the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dropping her stuff at the cleaners, you name it. After a couple months of totally overcompensating in desparation, she confronted me one night and said one of us had to go.
I tell you these things so you will think beyond this moment. Think how you will live your life from now on, if a plane fell on her head tomorrow.
How will you keep the house, discipline the kids, and manage your finances? How will you balance your down time with the needs of the family? How will you own communications between the kids and the teachers, or the transportation to their sporting events? You need to start doing all of this tomorrow. Never stop.
Your W does not respect you if you are not doing these things. She believes she deserves more than she has been getting. If she has been quiet at times, it was not because all was good. It was because she had just given up on trying. And now she is trying to stick it out, but not working on fixing anything.
You may or may not be able to change that. She could be minutes or months away from announcing too little too late. I am not saying this because my M failed and I need to take that out on someone. I am saying this because I have become way too familiar with life in Separated, MLC, and find myself in Surviving a year after my D. I don't need more company. I don't want to see you overlook any opportunity.
Consider beginning to live as if she were not there. Depend on her for nothing. Imagine three years without sex. Think way outside the box. If she sees you making positive changes like you have been trying, the first thought is it won't last. It is a trick and she has seen them before. You must stop thinking about what you can do to affect her thinking. Change for yourself. She will see that. She won't like it at first. It might make her more angry. Remember, she needs you to fail to validate her poor perception.
But change you must. If you won't do it now for yourself, you will later when you are D. Changing now could prevent the D. But it may not. She may be too far shut down to change her secret exit plan. The WAW makes those plans. Then they delay out of guilt. Then they plan again when they get angry or hurt. Eventually, someone outside the M catches their eye and they think they must leave.
If you are like most H, and you sound very typical at the moment, you may get tempted to move out and give her the time and space they eventually demand. Do Not.
The thinking that keeping her in the home will keep her in the M will turn on you. She will resent being left in charge of everything when she probably just wants a one room apartment with no responsibilities ... burned out by it all. Leaving forces her to continue a life that has burned her out. It makes the WAW hostile toward the kids and hateful to the LBH. I know. I did it. Biggest boner I ever pulled. Very reason I want you to begin now to become resolved that this will not be an option for you.
Begin now to stop thinking about being driven out of your home by this. It is your home and your family. Comit to it. The common thinking is the one that wants out should leave. More and more of the women who file the majority of D these days, are leaving their kids and H in the home. I should have put my X on the curb in the beginning. I am not saying it from anger. She would have missed the kids more than resenting them. She might have noticed my absence more if she were not worrying about the house. At some point your W needs to determine that she is in and willing to work on the M, or out.
Either way, I am saying that the days of you taking things easy are over. Now is the time to be the man of the house, the spiritual head of the household, the person a woman would want to be around. Clean. Presentable. Nice cologne. Organized. In shape. Turn your house into a place a woman would want be happy in, and maybe she will.
Before my X dropped the bomb she had been explaining to my teen sons that women want someone they can't have, someone dangerous. Tells you where her head was. Your W does not want to see you doing everything "for her", as if begging and weak. You should do for you, "As If" you will be totally ok and independent without her. I'm sorry, and I apologize to the ladies, but the flowers in this case were probably written off as begging. She would likely have appreciated seeing your strength, confidence, and independent accomplishments more. Make the bed every time you get out of it. Not just because she was coming home. If she leaves, you can stop, but shouldn't. Another reason to look your best every time you leave the house, not just when you want to impress her.
Being your kid's best buddy forces your W to be the disciplinarian. When you two got M and she had babies, she probably imagined you being the last word on discipline and her being the nurturer. Seems she is trying to say that is not how it turned out. If you are not comfortable with discipline, your kids will suffer along with your M. Make clearly communicated rules. They are old enough to sign age appropriate contracts with you regarding rules of the house, schoolwork, and more. Create clearly documented consequences for not following the rules. Abide by the rules consistently and fairly.
You will see her switch roles immediately to the nurturer when your sons complain that they have been punished too harshly. But she will appreciate the established limits. She will appreciate not being the one to police the kids. You must lead by example with the way you manage the family. Do it for you first. Do it for the kids second. Do it for any woman fortunate to share in your life third. I hope that becomes your W, but you must create your best life and let her make her own decision. You can't trick her, lead her, or buy her. You shouldn't have to. Don't try. If you do, a WAW will smell it every time ... like fear.
They are looking for reasons for the alarms to go off.
Don't give it to her. Let her watch from the sidelines as you make this the year of your revolution, not hers. If you do all of this and she leaves, you must understand she was leaving anyway. And leaving may not be the end. It could be the beginning of her seeing what she is missing from the outside, in her new quiet time of reflection. That doesn't mean she won't party like a rock star. But do you want her doing that out of the family home in front of the kids? I hope not. For all practical purposes ... Let Her Go, if only in concept. She will fight you more for holding on. It is a control thing. Control yourself and the kids. If she is in, she will follow on her own.
WAS says "Consider beginning to live as if she were not there. Depend on her for nothing. You must stop thinking about what you can do to affect her thinking. Change for yourself." Sounds like good advice we could all put to use! I need to practice what I preach...and believe it as well! We read the same advice from thread to thread...but I know I for one haven't always been doing what I read....
You always have good advice for others...are you doing what you say? Just asking?
How did the rest of your weekend go?
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
The rest of the weekend wasn't bad. She spent most of Saturday with S13, he had two soccer games on the other side of town, at different places even. So they had lunch and got some shoes for him (they fit for 15 minutes or so) in beteween. By the time they were done, I had taken off to take S10 to a birthday party, I made a dump run while he was there, and hit the grocery store on the way home. We all watched the fifth Harry Potter movie, then generally went off to bed.
Yesterday I spent as long as I could working out in the yard. She and the kids cleaned out the 'games' closet, getting rod tof the stuff they never use, or had outgrown, took that to Goodwill. Heard some more about stuff I hadn't done, or hadn't done right, but I am more convinced, that as WAS says, she is looking for the failure, so it is hard not to fail. Anyway, then we went to dinner, since S19 will be leaving this week for NC for infantry training, before heading off to Djbouti, Africa. Shich sounds quite the garden spot. He found out Saturday. I posted about it somewhere, but, I a wandering poster, I haven't a clue where!
Thanks, Amy. I think I was/am getting to wee what Was2sad is saying, thougth he really tied it all up in a package. I've read it three times, so far, but I am not done with it! I had already decided that I liked the bedroom clean (ok, maybe not as clean as she would, but way better than it was), so I am going to keep it that way. In a way, living without depending on her shouldn't be that hard, she has been living as though she doen't depend on me, I just need to do the same. I can see that the chances for success are not really very good, I've realized that since reading a lot of the non-MLC WAW stuff. Plus, it really isn't her nature to admit being wrong, or to change direction. Often it serves her well. This time it may serve here, but not me. But, that's just the way it is. I do think the time where she will have to decide is coming, at least I may be able to determine when that is. That might keep it from being totally devastating!
Amy, you are sounding better every day. I'm glad I posted the link to your thread the other day!
You know, one thing that this place has done for me? I know that I can be useful. I know without any doubt that I have been able to help several people here get through (or at least work on getting through) some really tough times. I may not keep the cleanest house, but there are things I can do pretty well. It feels good to know that.
We are all human and we are all doing the best we can to live the lives we've been dealt. I'm glad that you have a positive view of yourself and even though you don't know what's going to happen, I believe you will be alright and come out of this sitch a better person, no matter which way things fall!
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I know without any doubt that I have been able to help several people here get through (or at least work on getting through) some really tough times.
Jeff- I look forward to hearing from you on my thread every time I log on. You have been a rock for me the past couple of months and you are great! I am glad you see that for yourself too.
Oooops, and there goes the other sock!
((((()))))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
You really don't want to do that Lisa! I will miss the cobwebs, and possbilty forget to run the dishwasher once or twice a month. You should keep your socks on!
If (and unfortuantely, that is a really, really big if!) I ever get over there, I will look you up! You realize that, don't you? London's a big place, I'll just look for socks, or something....
