Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

I honestly don't know what to tell you. I was never in the position where I was wanting sex/emotional intimacy and had a H that didn't want it / wouldn't give it to me. There are others here that have been there and may have other advice for you.

It's going to be your choice in the end most likely though to either live w/ it or tell him you WON'T live w/ it (and mean it) and see how he reacts and if he is willing to change. Have you gotten the SSM book yet? I would at least read that before you give any ultimatums and, like I said, you need to honestly mean that you are willing to leave if he won't change.

thanks, i appreciate your talking to me. i have been through a D and i don't care to repeat that. a D is much much worse than living in a less-than-affectionate M with someone who loves you and supports you in your life (not just financially). and i don't give ulitmatums i don't mean. just like my R with vows. i don't make them unless i am going to keep them.

i am almost finished with SSW now. that is how i found this website. it is such an embarrassing subject, i was even embarrassed to buy it at the bookstore!

thanks, rhw. it is nice to have someone who listens.

Dear thotitwudbdifrnt,

I believe you were decived by this man in who/what he was before you married him. Apparently he was looking for somebody to give him a good home and there you were with the job and plus you cooked and washed his clothes and kept the house. All he had to do was pay you a few compliments and your heart melted.

I hate to sound so harsh b/c you sound like a very nice lady, but sweetheart he has no respect or love for you. No H would treat his new bride the way this man has treated you. Either that or he has some very serious mental problems.

I appreciate your strong feeling toward you wedding vows but God doesn't condemn you for not living with somebody that doesn't love you back. That part is up to you. Nobody should have to beg for love and even if you aren't saying it in words.....he sees the desparation in you and it is turning him off.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy yet? If not, get it ASAP and read it and start applying the principles if you want to continue living with him. Have you met any of his relatives or people from his past that has known him for a long time? They might could enlighten you on a few things. I don't trust people like this.....guess I've see too much TV.

The more you can tell us the more advice you'll receive. I would suggest getting a professional's advice most of all.

In a perfect world, try to get him to go to the same counselor, maybe you visit, then he visits, etc. There's SOMETHING going on for him to be so perfectly nice guy one minute, then doing these other unloving behaviors the next. Maybe a counselor can figure out the issues between you two if he/she hears both sides with the other person not there.

You said he has not interest in sex AT ALL, but he has had so much sex in his life? has dated strippers? suggested a swinger's convention?? He doesn't sound uninterested in sex, he sounds uninterested in what he is considering "boring" or "marital" sex perhaps. I'm sorry, I can tell this is hurting you and confusing you. Get out the phone book and make an appt. And buy DR, like Red suggested.

Good luck!!

What does your daughter think of him?

Honey,

It isn't about what you vowed if the other person wasn't really available to make the vow. That is what annulment is about. I'm not saying you have to end this but my red flags are up all over the place. Trust me. I know what it is to follow up a disastrous first M (of 11 years) with a M to an LD man. The thing is that my H isn't rude or shaming, he is a great partner to me in every way except sex. I respect him because there is a lot to respect him for.

However, I know that you will not listen to me because you don't want to "fail" at marriage again. I know because when I hear you talk I know where you are coming from. Since you won't listen I will say this piece of advice - Sex is not the problem. Go get some personal counseling.

Karen

my daughter loves him. she was reluctant at first bc it had been just the two of us for so long and she got all of my attn. now she says that we were made for each other and are perfect together. and we do laugh a lot. and others say they can see that he loves me in his eyes.

you all have given me a lot to think about. i am by nature a pollyanna type and an optimist. H is a pessimist who wishes he was an optimist.

i haven't decided what to do, other than contact a counselor. i think that is obviously a smart choice for both of us, and the kids too.

thanks guys, for responding to my pleas.

Hi thotitwudbdifrnt,
Tell ya what, you divorce yours, Ill divorce mine and we'll live happily ever after!
I wish I had better advice for you. Im pretty much at my wits end too. Im not perfect, and ive contributed a lot to my problems. Ive emotioinally distanced myself from my W for a long time now and its only made the situation worse. Now we seem to be in this tug of war about 'Well you dont do this anymroe so im not going to do that anymore' It has only given my W more ammunition to use against me for her to deny my needs. Its totally unproductive and has made things even more difficult.
All you can do is be you, a loving, caring person that deserves to be loved in the way that you want/need. When things crumble youll know that you took the high road and did all you could.

nwlywed,sorry for your situation, too. i have never, ever had this problem in any R i've ever had. and it doesn't make sense to me for someone to say 'you are so hot' and that they are attracted to me but they won't touch me.

H and i had a discussion last night. he said he just has a lot on his mind that is weighing him down. and i am thinking, ' like what?' so, this am i asked, 'what is so bad abt your life that it weighs on you like this?' he has so many positive things in his life but he obsesses over the bad. he has a good job, nice house, a new car, kids who love him, a wife who stays and loves him to pieces even though..., his family loves him, my family loves him, etc etc. the list is really long. his answer took him about 30 seconds to say 'my job... (another 30 seconds) my health. (which isn't that bad! it is normal for his age!)' and that was his list! job is changeable, i said, find a new one! health, start exercising more and eat better! two things that are fixable in a relatively short period of time.

then emotionally and mentally, go see a counselor. if you want i will call one. H is convinced that a counselor or a dr can't help. don't know why. he says he will get better... i said in order to get better, you will have to take positive steps toward getting better and be a good example to the kids. he says they don't know what is going on with him. i said are you crazy? they know you sleep all the freaking time.

you see, our SL issues have further issues with depression.

i thought about some things that everyone has said to me here. now, i am thinking that i was a good 'out' for a bad situation in his life. a way that he wouldn't have to tell his family that he lost his job. somewhere along the line i guess he really fell in love with me. i can't say that is for sure true. he didn't think we would stay married. he didn't even tell his family we were getting married (they live really far away). i called his mom 2 weeks after the wedding and introduced myself. H was mad but i didn't want to start a R with my new family like that.

i guess when i add it up, there are lots of mean things he has done to me. lots of moments where something was said that i didn't deserve at all.

to top it all off, i grew up watching my parents be madly in love with each other (now almost 40 years!). they have had fights but they always were passionately in love. like something out of a movie. THAT is what i want. and i know it can be that way. i have seen it. i married a different man than the one i fell for. he was passionate and loving and demonstrative. you know how you are treated when someone thinks there is a possibility that they could lose you? that is what i want, too.

at Christmas, when my parents and we were sitting together talking. my dad said that what attracted him to my mom was that she was happy and had a positive outlook (my dad is a pessimist by nature). H says he is the same about me.

dad says he had never ever wanted to be with anyone else and if my mom died today, he would never remarry bc it wouldn't be fair to the other woman. she would never be able to measure up to my mom in his eyes. i wanted to cry. still do abt that. most of all, i know my dad means it with every cell in his body. he has taken care of her through the loss of a child and two, yes two, battles with cancer. H says how he wouldn't ever be with anyone else if something happened to me, either. he says that with passion.

it is a very real possibility that something could happen to me. i have epilepsy. bc of that, i treat every minute like it could be my last. every minute i waste being bitchy is a minute i have lost. i may not have that many left. i may have a million. who knows with my disease? once before, i went from perfectly normal to being in a hospital with a fractured skull, had totally lost consciousness and quit breathing, cpr had to be done, OMG. it happened so fast. just a few minutes! and the road to recovery was so hard. that was 10 yrs ago, well b4 i met H. H doesn't have a chronic illness, so he doesn't understand how important every minute is as fully as i do. H hates to hear me talk like that. he says he can't stand the thought of losing me. but he could. any minute it could happen. i lose a night of sleep over this stupid issue and the next day i could have a seizure.

to be truthful with you all, i care a lot less than i did about our SL. maybe it doesn't matter as much as i thought it did. i have noticed that i am becoming more cynical and less passionate. i hate that. i have worked on myself until i am blue in the face.


question: if i were to do a self-imposed moratorium on sex and not be so 'easy', not be available at all for it at any time, should i tell him what i am doing? or would it even matter?

thanks for listening!

Thats exactly what I think too...


Hes being stubborn and enjoys living in his world of Poor me Poor me...


Seems to me.. and please dont take this as a put down, but it seems like he just isnt that into you anymore. It may seem harsh, but maybe he was looking for someone to take care of him when he lost his job and now that he's back on his feet maybe he feels he doesnt need you anymore?



Im in the same boat... Reactions that are outside the 'norm' for the situation. Blowing up over me accidentally skipping her turn on a board game, etc...



So did I, thats what I 'thought' I had, My parents have been together for close to 50 years. They have had fights but over major stuff, not over little petty stuff. They are mostly loving and cooperative, not combative - looking for things to be mad about.

You can work on yourself till the end of time. Even IF youve contributed to the downfall of the R, youve only contributed 1/2 and until that other person recognizes their role and is willing to make some changes and compromises and SEE that youre trying to do whatever you can to hold the R together it is pointless.


I doubt it would even matter... He probably wouldnt even notice... If he is unwilling to even see how you are hurting and wont help or get help when its in front of his face. If you take away the pressure he will probably just figure you gave up.

Its just my 2c worth...

thanks for listening!
[/quote]