Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

Hi GFI,

Let me give you an example of our poor communication.

One morning last week W was less than pleasant with me in contrast to other mornings. She was glaring at me and giving me one word answers. So I start to think, have I f**ked up somewhere or maybe she been in contact with OM. (Her anger at me used to increase with contact with OM).

So all day at work I'm thinking something's wrong but not knowing what the problem was. In the evening no mention of the problem but I can see W is not happy. Next morning W asked why did I bring her some water to take her meds on a previous morning "you stopped doing that a while ago". I said it was because I did XYZ wrong and wanted to apologise before I went to work. Then she said aren't you going to apologise for yesterday. Why ? I said, Well your snoring kept me awake, you spread out in the bed and took all the space, you were hogging then duvet, D6 came in and was crying. I didn't get a wink of sleep and I was very, very tired.

I was actually relieved with this explanation, but why not say something sooner.

So poor communication, it could have led to a bigger disagreement, I offered to discuss my snoring, and W feelings about it with her, but her answer was, "Snoring is your problem you deal with it".

So I'm trying to get to grips with our communication problems, W doesn't seemed to have got the hang of it yet.

PS: Snoring was on W list of things which made me unattractive to her, so in the greater scheme of things it will be somthing that I need to address.

Lanzo,
I don't want to sound harsh BUT, perhaps your wife is just looking for a reason to fight. I mean some of the things she says to you (waste of space?). Now she is pissed for something you do in your sleep??? You are a very patient man for keeping your cool the way you did. I realize that I have a long way to go before I can even compete with some of the DBers around here.

John,

I read somewhere that the WAW can't make decisions about the R, they either let the A run it's course and die or they hope the LBS gives up and calls time on the M, either way someone else makes the decision for them. Part of me thinks W still holds out small hope that if she keeps pushing me that I'll walk.

The long list of irritable things W had against me included me snoring. I used to think, Hey get over it these are guy things. But if they are contributing to a bad M then I have to look at them. (If I ticked 90% of her boxes snoring wouldn't matter). I know these are not the real issues, but if you can remove as many of the things as possible that stir up negative feelings than you have half a chance.

So yeah I know she still looks for a fight but these days I don't give it to her.

Lan, Do you think she will ever be motivated enough to want to get it? When/how do you see this happening? She said "I heard you" ... what does this translate to on Venus?

fb2,

Ok the fog seems to be lifting a little with W so not everything can be turned round and blamed onto me. I'm not sure what in means on Venus, but on planet "W" I hear you means something like, "Yes I was in the wrong, but hell would have to freeze over before I admit it to you". Sometimes in that situation with W it feels like I'm talking to a naughty child caught doing something wrong.

I really want to get into some serious talking with her but she isn't ready. And the answers to any questions would be.

"Don't know", "It's up to you", " I hear what your saying" or anything else which is non committal.

From the dead...

This tit for tat. This stuff that makes no sense. The holding of the anger.

It is 110% your fault. You are the reason all this stuff is happening to you. Got it?

I will assume (only read the high point) you are sleeping in the bed with her or at least close enough for her to hear you snore. That is a huge improvement from the last time I checked in. Do you really think it was about your snoring? Telling you right here right now she wants you to bend. Way the he** over.

You and her don't/can't communicate.

You both have had equal parts in it.

Right here right now stop trying to figure out why!!! Sorry women for the next part.. You can't reason with a woman.... From a mans point of view.

The stuff she does will never make sense. Same applies to her. She is just as hurt as you. The stuff you have done is equal to what she has done.

I will go out on a limb and say that the conversations you have had have left you feeling "Lost". Maybe it seems like you are explaining all with no response? Mans point of view. It sucks trying to figure out how to not do that. You have to be a man and yet still swing the other way. Sacrifice. That is what its about. Be The man and yet don't be "The man". Know when to turn it on.. but more important know when to turn it off.

This is the most [censored]*d up thing you ever have to do.

It feels wrong.

But ya gotta do it.

You were good enough. She loved you. She made babies with you. She built a life with you.

What is all that worth?