Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 25 y/o MLC?? HELP- I want to save my marriage!!

Sorry DA, I meant to say that your M will be hard to reconcile if you give up. Going to bed before I say anything else stupid

Darkest Angel,

Many, many people in your life who love you and whom you trust will tell you all kinds of discouraging stuff. Just don't listen. I have heard all kinds of crazy crap from my family and my best friends. I think they just want us to be happy asap and they think the best route to that is for us to give up. Just remember that this is your decision, not their decision. They do not know what is best. Listen to your heart.

It is really tricky because the first month after the bomb dropped, when I was totally unstable, panicking, and crazy, and couldn't really sleep or eat anything (seriously, like I was just drinking juice b/c chewing seemed to much effort), sometimes talking to people made me feel better, and sometimes talking to people made me feel worse.

I don't know if this would help, but if you are in the middle of a conversation with someone that is freakin' you out, even if they are your mom or your BFF, it's ok to say, "GOTTA GO" and end it.

One thing I didn't learn until after many weeks is that no matter how much people love us (friends & family), sometimes they are just not up for helping us out with our R crisis, frequently for reasons that have nothing to do with us. Sometimes they say stuff out of frustration with us that has nothing to do with our R situation. I am the kind of person who needs to talk everything out and process externally and I have SERIOUSLY learned, very slowly, without even trying, to become more self-reliant.

I didn't find this board until a month after the bomb dropped, and it took me another month to work up the guts to post. you are really gutsy to post right away. I can tell you no matter what, you are going to feel better. You will process, you will think things through, and you will find your steady ground underneath you.

DA, *did you get Divorce Remedy yet*? Seriously it was the best $14 I ever spent. Let me know when you get it!! Do it tomorrow!

Take a deep, deep breath.

Also, can you pick one thing to do just for yourself, to help your positive mental attitude? What is one simple thing you can do tomorrow to lift your spirits and maybe even clear your mind, just a little bit?

((((hugs))))
transformer

DA,

Fantastic that you are committed to making your marriage work. As transformer has pointed out, DBing feels very counter-intuitive, but it does work. Read and re-read the success stories for hope.

You sounds like a really strong person- really gutsy and open. For me, DBing is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it's making me a better and stronger person than I was.

Keep posting and getting feedback. And no thinking about OW at all- you are the greener grass here!

OD

Things are so chatoic, I don't know where to begin.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks now since he walked out. He's seeing OW (the 37 y/o, when he's 25), sometimes staying the night at her house. He likes to tell me how much fun he has with her (at the movies/ bars/ etc.). He says they're getting serious, he says he maybe loves her. He announced the ILYBINILWY only 2 1/2 weeks ago! He also made a comment about how "respectful" she is of me during this time. I almost sh*t my pants! RESPECTFUL?? She's having an affair with my husband! I haven't asked questions, I haven't responded with anger. But it's like he's purposly stabbing me. He told me that she's really pretty and he thinks we would be friends. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless.

ALSO, he took our d3 to chuck e cheeses last weekend... with OW and her friends!! It pissed me off, but I didn't confront him about it. After all, I can't control his actions, only my own. (my new mantra) And also, if I were to get into an argument with him, it would just give him more reason to run to the OW with a story of his horrible wife, and I'm not handing that over to him. He wants me to be mad. I want to be cool & in control.

H's moods are unpredictable. For the first 2 weeks, he was very short with me and didn't say much. the past few days, it's a different story each day. (we only had one car, and he left with it so he's been by every morning to take d to preschool & me to work, and every afternoon to drop us off. I'm buying a car next Tues, but that's why we see each other every day)

On Wednesday, he was very bitter and was just looking to pick fights. He had a pissed off look on his face, he was very confrontational and just ugly to me. He has alot of animosity in him that day, and I kept my cool during our short visits, but he was antagonistic and trying to goad me into a fight.

Thursday was a totally different story. We ended up talking for a half hour in the car. H's father was an alcoholic until H was 10, bad childhood and very low self esteem. H was saying how he always felt that he didn't deserve me, even as teenagers. H said he felt like he could never make me happy. I started working p/t a few months ago, and he didn't like it. I worked 20 hrs/week, and I kept my job because I love it and we need the money (this was the cause of some of our fights). He tells me now that he felt that since I was working & I just started going to school, he felt like i was going to run off with some rich doctor. he said he never felt comfortable with himself, he had had suicidal thoughts in the past weeks since our split and had actually sat down to write the suicide notes. H admitted that he knew he was being very selfish and felt guilty. H also kept saying that it wasn't me or the marriage, he wasn't happy with himself, he never has been and feels he never will be. H said that maybe he'll always be alone, he's always felt alone. I asked if he's happier now, and he said that he likes that there's no pressure. He doesn't have to be a dad (except on the weekends) or a husband, he doesn't have any pressure.
I listened and encouraged him. I know I'm not supposed to tell him I love him, btu I did. I told him that I knew all of him, good and bad, and that I would always have love for him. He was so sad & depressed, and I was trying to be here for him. Despite all of this hell, I still love him.
When he left, he actually gave me a few warm hugs and a kiss on the cheek- a first since the split.

Today (Friday), another completley different story. H was acting like the divorce was going on and nothing was the matter. Making jokes, chit chatting. He talked happily about how he's going to move out of his mom's place and rent a room from his friend. He wants me to move out of our apartment, breaking the lease, and rent a room somewhere to save money. It would save us alot of money, but I said I'd have to think about it. I really can't afford this apartment on my own, but I'm determined to keep my daughter's home for as long as I can. He was upbeat, and just like he used to be.

Part of me really thinks that this is some QLC and when he comes to his senses, he'll want to rejoin our family. Part of me thinks it's a lost cause and is ready to throw in the towel. Never in the time since he's left has he spoken about maybe reconciling or coming home.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a string of hope that no one else sees. I value my marriage, and although neither my husband now I am perfect, we have a wonderful family together and I'm not ready to give that up.

Thursday reignited my ray of hope. H did thank me for giving him so much space and being so understanding, he said that he couldn't believe how wonderful I have been through all this.

yet, he still says he doesn't love me.

Darkest Angel,

You are going to have to be really patient. It might take months for this to blow over. It might be a long time before he's ready to say I love you again. Are you ready to hunker down? DB'ing is for the long haul!

Did you get Divorce Remedy yet?

Have you read JenJam's top 10 Divorce Busting tips yet? If not, I can post them on this thread for you.

I totally understand about holding on to a string of hope that no one else sees. You see it, and that's what matters. Keep holding on to it.

Remember, only believe half of what you see and 90% of what you hear during this time. It's called "Alien Spew"!!

It's a really good sign that your H thanked you for giving him space and being understanding and wonderful. It sounds like you are on the right track!

((hugs))
*transformer*

I ordered Divorce Remedy online on amazon. It should be here any day now

^^

Good job!! Let us know what you learn from reading it!
(hugs)
t

I just read your first post and your H sounds a bit like mine. He came home from work and just said he didn't want to be married anymore. He also refused counseling and a trial separation (although I moved out) he sees this as permanent, and does not want to work on things. Although he says he loves me and cares about me he just can't be married, huh? It doesn't make sense, not sure it ever will. You just need to focus on you and let him live his life, and by working on you make him realize what he is missing out on. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

^