Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi movin' on up...

Hey there guys!
Sorry for dropping off the planet.
MaxP, that's really cool about your dad doing glass scultpure! I don't think you'd burn yourself. I find it so...zen. I had a fascination for lampwork beads and recieved an email for a class. Took the class and took to it like a duck to water. In fact, the other students had taken the class before and were actually watching how *I* did twisties and saying "I'm going to make twisties the Trixi way". The teacher said it was the most relaxed class she ever taught. Anyway, my H has always been supportive of things I want to do and this was no exception. Within a couple months I was making beads, making jewelry and selling. That's my side biz.

Regarding the slippers-- I really have no idea what to make of it. Actually, I do have a thought, but I'll keep it to myself.

H came over on Saturday to get my torch set up and also put in the front loader washer and dryer. We had a nice dinner, goofed (ahem) around a little, and then played PS2 until nearly 2am. At that point I said I was tired and he said he was going back to the old house. I was upset that he did that--but to be fair, he didn't have any overnight stuff with him.

I have been feeling pretty down these last few days. I miss him quite a bit-but at the same time feel like every day that passes with us in this situation, just breaks our relationship more. And the more broken it is, the more I wonder if it can ever be fixed.

Last night he called and asked me to dinner and a movie on Friday. That is surprising on two counts- one, that he even thought it up and two, that he called this far in advance. Normally he would have just waited to Thursday or Friday day. Of course, when you're actually in an active relationship, you don't really *need* to make advance plans because it is assumed that you'll be together doing *something*.

Friend of mine (guy) was miffed that I am 'seeing' my H. He had to laugh as he said "how many times have I told you not to sleep with your husband?!" but he added on "so, you're willing to sleep with him while he looks for someone that he *does* want to be married to?" and also "you should go out on dates--at least if you start to date someone, they actually *want* to be in a relationship with you." As Austin Powers would say - "Ouch, baby. Very Ouch."

Max, you seem to have taken a very skeptical turn in your viewpoint...I was going to ask why- but I know why. Nevermind.

Nik, I don't know about down in Cali, but they have glass blowing classes all the time up here. You should look into it- it is FUUUUUUN! Now THERE would be an interesting DB meetup- meet in Seattle and take a glass blowing class and then hit the town. Go to Wild Ginger for dinner.....hmmm....

Hey Trixi, I could use some Zen and I really love some types of glass artwork - not so keen on beads though! Sounds like you are a natural at it. Got any pictures we could see?

There are lots of theories you could come up with about the slippers. My skeptical viewpoint is partly related to that and partly related to some of the ways you describe what your H says (particularly in that earlier post). Still, without ever having met him it's tricky to know whether that's just the way he is or something else. Oh, my imagination can be a bit OTT at times too.

I would actually take the invite to a movie as a really positive example of change. It shows planning, desire and respect. I still don't believe your sitch is all bad news, there's a lot of hope there too. Your H is just tough to figure out - as you well know. You also interact well quite a lot of the time, that has to be good.

Now meeting up in Seattle sounds like fun - is that your neighbourhood? Wild Ginger sounds really good!

Take care,

Max

Heya Trix,



Obviously, he wants to date you, and he's "miffed" that he's missing out on a shot at you.

Guys who you "know", dont give advice like that, unless they are looking to date you.
That's a typical underhanded approach. Women they are interested in, is involved with someone else? Then if they see an opening, undercut that guy, in the guise of "friendship" towards you. it both cuts down their rival, AND makes it seem like they are "looking out for you". Especially effective when the woman is married. "oh, you poor dear, your husband is abusing you/doesnt deserve you/blahblahblah..."

If he left it at the first bit, that would be one thing. But encouraging you to date, i'd say is a giveaway.

Trixi, that would be my intereptation too.

LOL-regarding my guy friend. It's more like he is a brother who is mad that I keep doing 'stupid' things. He is married with a child and loves his wife very much. I would say he is more like my mother in that he can't understand WHY I would let myself be treated this way. I told him that I had a profile on yahoo that was getting some attention, but that until I had the sitch a little more under control w/H I didn't want to go on a date. His point was that these guys are actually *interested* in meeting me, etc. And that my H is trying to get away from me. (This was before H called and asked for a date.) He is very pleasantly surprised that H did this.

I live about 30-40 minutes from downtown Seattle. The Wild Ginger is sort of an Asian/Thai fusion restuarant with AMAZING food. Then there is a seafood restaurant on the Pier called the Crab Cracker that if you order this certain meal, comes and dumps it all on your table. It's got andoille sausage,potatoes, corn on the cob, crab, shrimp, mussels...you wear a bib and dig in. Of course there is the Space Needle, Experience Music Project, SAM (seattle art musuem)--tons of stuff to do. OH! and the Underground Tour! I've lived here all my life and finally went last year- what a blast. Part of old Seattle is underneath the current seattle.

There is a hot glass studio down town where you can take glass blowing classes. Actually, knowing Seattle, there is probably more than one place to do that.

Part of me feels like if H has an active profile on match.com, I am also afforded that same "luxury". H has already been out on dates; I have not. He is out 'shopping' and I am purposefully keeping myself 'ignorant'. And why would I do that on purpose? Because if I am ignorant of the possibilities out there, I am better able to stay true to my marriage. But, what marriage?
Gah!

Hey funny about your friend! Good to hear he's so supportive.

Seattle sounds like a lot of fun, maybe worth a visit one day. I love Thai / Asian food. Never heard of andoille sausage though.

I guess concerning dates, you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. Certainly, if he is active on match.com and having dates then you should feel no guilt doing the same, if that is what you want. Different people have different values and go through stages at varying rates.

I am not yet all that comfortable with the idea of dating, I'm probably just a bit scared having not done it for so long. I also see quite a few women who seem lovely, but are in an R already. Where are the single ones? Then there's the M problem, how will others react to that? It'll be at least another 20 months before we can get divorced. That seems likes ages. Once again, never expected to be here.

How do you feel about it Trixi? Are you really ready or curious? You sound like you are starting to detach, which I think is a good thing, for both rebuilding your M or moving on.

Max

counterpoint:

"If he is actively having sex with other people, then you should feel no guilt doing the same".

That statement, wouldnt work for me personally. So it would seem that the overall concept in general, of "if he's doing it, then you shouldnt feel guilty about doing it too", seems flawed to me too.

I truly meant date, not sex. I assume you were just trying to point at the "what's good for the goose, is good for the gander" isn't always the best way to approach decisions and that you needed to use sex as the extreme example to get your point across.

I don't really feel guilty, per se, with regard to what H would think. He has said "you can go out on dates, too". Of course, he probably rests pretty easily thinking I would never actually go out on a date. I actually would feel guilty for whomever I would go out with because I am not really "serious dating" material. I guess if I make it clear that I am not looking for a LTR and they still want to meet, then that is their decision.

I am getting more and more moments of anger towards H (as opposed to just sadness). I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes.

yup.




I used to get that more, during my first year of separation (1st year? SIGH....) That was when I was listening more to people who kept pushing me, "you should stand up for yourself! you should do ... !!!!"

For some people, and some relationships, their advice may actually have worked. However, I know that my situation is different, and I know specific reasons WHY it is different.
Even so.... i let my emotions be pulled by those other people.
With disasterous results for my marriage at times.

With the way your husband has treated you, I'd say you have fair reason to be angry at him.
Just be sure that it is really your anger, not proxied from other people.

Good point, Dom. Yeah, this anger is not proxied; in fact, if someone is too harsh regarding H, I will side with him and explain that he is going thru 'something' blah blah blah.

And wow- "first year". Yikes. You have a lot of patience and must really love your wife and value your family.

Oh and MaxP- 20 months before you can have a divorce??! I mean, I think they give out divorces too easily where I live (90 days, no fault) but sheesh- having to wait that long!!