Thanks Palgal & IMP, I guess the reason i felt the need to respond this time was due to the way i treated him the last time we saw each other(i was angry). I didn't want to leave off on a backslide like that after all I have learned. He knows I get home from work around 4:00, so i texted him back around 6:00ish to stall a bit & to think of what i would say. I felt I needed to be loving, yet at the same time show my detatchment. I agree that it seems from his response that he may feel "off the hook". But I have come to realize that I cant hang him on a hook, cuz he is his own being and has a right to make his own decisions. I have learned here to be loving whenever possible to him(which is rare right now)while letting him make his own choices. So I tried to be nice and keep the text about me. I have a feeling that this was a temperature check for him. I do believe that MLCers feel the need to have you somehow reassure them that your not completely givin up on them. I was conveying that by saying "avoiding each other is not neccessary". However, I will leave it at that and I will not call or text him again untill he contacts me again. Oh and by the way, this note he left today is so different from the one sentence notes he left me after the 1st bomb last spring (1:Get an attorney, 2: I want a divorce, 3:take whatever you want from the house, I dont want any of it, 4: Take care of the dog-something new for ya, etc...). I finally changed my locks cuz everyday he came in and took what ever the heck he wanted & I couldnt even deal with the notes anymore. This note he left today was nothing like the ones from last time. I almost sense that he was really scared that I had finally gotten to my witts end and feels really bad for putting me through this again. Thanks again for the support, I love venting here! TIPPER
All you can do is take things one day at a time. With the locks, you had a boundary issue and you took action. That is the type of thing we should do. We don't need to do things for others.
MLC or no MLC, you did the right thing with your note. You will note very little about MLC in the DB book. Divorce Remedy has s one chapter. Because MLC or not, your observation about his being on his own and his right to make his own decisions is still valid. If it is truly MLC, he will remember your attitude. If he is mere a WAS, then future interactions are much easier.
I have an ex-wife. We have an extremely good relationship. We let each other be. Sure, we had our moments, but in the long run, all we can do is show respect for weach other as people and as parents of two sons. I know this takes two, but I have had a number of people tell me they wished they had the kind of relationship that I have with my ex. Heck, I know mat=rried people that wished the did.
I have a feeling that this was a temperature check for him. I do believe that MLCers feel the need to have you somehow reassure them that your not completely givin up on them.
I said just about the same thing on my thread. Sometimes they need some sign from us that we'll still accept them.
There is always little details in real life that don't come through on the posts we put here, so it sounds like you did well by responding how you did.
Interesting link IMP. It depends on the situation when I vent my anger and let it out. I am one of the types that are appalled at extreme outbursts from people. Yet there are times that I wish I was such a person and could just unload. But, can anyone tell me, does a person who has such extreme outbursts of anger actually feel better after the outburst? is there any lingering guilt?
I was watching Penn & Teller (they have a series call BS on Showtime) and one show was on Anger Management. Some of the new research is pretty interesting.
I thought the article was interesting and I agreed with it. However, I am involved in a research study in the UK about public service provision [I cannot be more specific because the study has not yet been published] but what is emerging, and this is disturbing, is that virtually all the providers felt that many more people now feel it is OK to be abusive verbally, and many of them physically. It is as if all restraints are off.
Part of this may be linked to a dramatic increase in alcohol/drug consumption, but even when not drunk, it appears that many people now feel it is absolutely OK to be abusive. I have some ideas about this,but wondered if this is a UK phenomenon or is occuring in the US also?
OK to be abusive. That just strikes me as crazy. If anything, in the states, there seems to be a movement that labels people as abusive merely because someone says so.
IMP - no, that isn't the case here: I am talking about really unpleasant verbal abuse.
Interestingly, many of the service providers felt that training in defusing abusive people was really helpful, and that poor language skills on the part of the provider increased the abuse levels.
But all felt that abuse was on the increase. I wonder if it is IN PART that the balance between rights and responsiblities is out of kilter? 'I have the right to this service level' without any sense of what might be owed from them
Thanks everyone for the responses and for the great article. I do believe that I was suppressing my anger over the last 3 years. I am starting to learn how to control it in a healthy way, so it doesn't make me depressed anymore. I find that doing things with friends and family is best for me. Also, hobbies and interests are great ways for me to get it out- today I will take it out on the pins at the bowling alley with my team. I do believe that I am starting to express my anger more openly with others, but I still just have a hard time trying to express my anger in a healthy way to my H. Oh well, I am going to go out and have a blast today with my team and later there is a band we are all going to watch, it shall be fun! TIPPER
Ok, I have a new issue that has arrived. I am looking for advice on whether or not to go to another mans black tie affair-work party that he(a long time friend of both me & my H)asked me to go to with him because he has no other date. I told him I would go as a friend and that I need to get out & do things like that more often. He agrees that we will have a blast. After I committed, he has been hitting on me big time. It is rather nice to have someone so interested in me (since H is not). This friend now thinks that we are going to get physically involved with each other that night(he is even telling me he thinks that this is destiny). He said it to our friends. Then when he said it to me, I told him that "until my ring is off my finger-I will not get physically involved with any one". He started to then change his tone and say that was fine. But last night a large group of us were hanging out, and he said it again to me how he was going to take such good care of me that night and flirted with me. He also invited me to go to a college b-ball game with him in 2 wks,(my H and I used to go with him before)& i said sure for the love of the game. I am afraid that he is not getting the point. I know I am going to have to lay down some boundaries before the work party happens. I am just feeling guilty about going with him because my mind and heart are definitely still in my M. Does anyone think that this would be a terrible decision (even if I know he will not have a chance with me that night) or not? I guess I am also afraid of what my H will think if he finds out. The friend that is taking me is very good-looking(kind of a player) , strong (also financially), independent, and Outgoing. My H would most likely feel threatened/jealous that I am going. But my H also has no idea what I am doing with my life since he has no care and never visits and has even distanced himself from most of the people in our past life together. I have read once that it is good to make the H think a little like i am moving on (maybe even date-but no sex). And I have read that H will most likely be watching me even though I don't think he is. Most my friends all feel like H won't even know and that I should go to the work party and have a good time for me. Everyone keeps saying I deserve to go out with someone like my friend who can show a woman a good time and be a gentelman to me. I personally feel like I need to make decisions now for me only and not to worry about what H would think about it. I am just starting to feel a little guilty about it. What should I do??? TIPPER
