Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Question about OW

elocin-

Well we just hung up from an ugly phone conversation and I pushed and pushed for info. about OW. I accused him of protecting her since he refuses to give me her name. I also told him that if he wants our marriage over that bad that I have proof for opportunity of adultery since I have all these cell/text records, he won't share her name, and stays places other than his parents and won't tell me where which in the state of MD is enough to be granted a divorce immediately. I also explained that she will be dragged into the divorce hearing as the OW whether she really is or not since all the records I have indicate opportunity and he got really upset by that. We also talked about the well being of the kids and how poorly they are handling this but he swears he is happier away although it kills him to not be with his kids but on the weekends. I accused him of shutting me out and not communicating with me that he was unhappy and had he taken half the time to talk to me as has spent texting with her that maybe we would be happilly married and together instead of apart. Anyway the ugly side of me came out and now I regret it but I think I am heading into that ANGER stage. I am past the shock and the crying all day and now angry all the time that he could be so selfish and be so willing to hurt the woman he loved at least he did love me once and his kids and claim he is sorry for doing it but that he will not come back for the sake of anyone because he has done what he had to do to make himself happy for once. I even suggested MLC and/or depression and he scoffed at it all saying no shrink can give him pills that will make him suddenly be happy and want to be husband and daddy again to the point that he will come home. I see all these LBS on here that went through these things and are still months and even years later waiting for their MLC'er/WAS to come back and they haven't. I mean when do you finally say enough is enough and throw in the towel???

Hi monkeybug - my H also dropped bomb out of nowhere and rev affair - its with coworker - my sit has gone extremely fast - he rev this in Aug, left and filed immed for div - now we are in proc of going through ct getting legally sep. But in Sept a sprint cell phone came in mail and there it was a mysterious 3rd cell phone - he got her her own cell phone on our family plan - I was in a trio with her. I compared my husbands number with hers and they were calling each other like 20 times a day and texting each other through the roof. Then I looked at calls between us and maybe there was once a day. I said the same thing to him - what were you talking about - if you would put that much effort into talking to me this never would have happened. He never once communicated to me he was unhappy. The last 2 yrs we were not spending time as a couple at all and little sex and I went up to him on several occasions and said joking around "whats going on - we live like roommates" only to be told oh its just work and our 6 yr old is always around - it will change soon. So, after I got that cell phone bill I was so angry at the depth of the betrayal to actually get her her own cell phone that we were paying for - I called her and she answered and I told her who I was and she hung up on me. I left two voice mails - "do you know what you have done - how could a woman do this to another woman" " we have a 6 yr old child - I hear you have a child (shes divorced) how would you like it if someone did this to you" - no response. But then H left me message with a laughing tone "you called her" So my conclusion they thought it was funny. THey are so wrapped up in their own needs and have justified everything they do that she does not care what shes doing. And H probably loved the attention - oh two women are fighting over me - or whatever. I do regret calling - I felt like a fool and now feel like I never should have given her the satisfaction that I even thought she was significant enough to call. I found this site I think too late for my M. I had already begged, pleaded, raged and also threatened to drag OW into court just to prove adulatery and enbarrass them both. It got me no where. By the time I dicovered this site he had already moved out and now we have no contact except for email about visitation. I am going completely dark and working on myself trying to cope and just hoping for a miracle. When do you give up? I dont know - I guess when you have had enough - you will know it. You wont feel the need to try. In my case everything happend so fast and I did everything wrong and when I found this site and realized there were things I could do - it was too late - he was already moved out and wanted no contact with me whatsoever and here we are. If I email him at all anything but visitation he does not respond. So I am doing what you might call the LRT and going dark and GAL. Im working on myself and letting go and just seeing what happens. Your situation is very early still - it has not been a month - right? I think there is still alot you can do if you read michelles books - its just deciding if you want to?

Hi monkey bug - its me ellis again - I wanted to add if you do decide you want to try to save your M - dont do what I did - dont cotninue to question him and ask questions about ow - like I said I did everything wrong - I look back now and I think there might have been a chance before he moved out or when we still communicated about our R that if I had done some divorce busting techiniques - after he dropped bomb in Aug I begged and pleaded and raged at him every day. I only pushed him further away and settled in his mind our M would not work. I look back now and think if I had stayed calm, stopped begging and raging, acted like I had accepted his decision there might have been a chance. Because you want him to stop and take a look at you in a new light. If you do decide to divorce bust maybe act nonchalant around him like you dont care what he is doing and you are concentrating on your own life. Act happy - fake it. Only talk about the kids. Let him stand back and say to himself whats going on with you?

Ellis-

All very good advice thank you. I too though have done the ragin and preaching to him as he calls it. Questioning his loyalty to her and why he is protective of her as to not even give me her name, etc... I ordered Michele's books and they should be here any day. Yes, I would love to save my marriage but also have to realize that my actions since his decision to walk out could very well have cemented in his mind his desire to be rid of me. While I want to give him what he wants which is the freedom from me by granting a divorce I also feel somewhere deep inside that he will start to se the light because until this happened he was not this person at all. He always did for us and our best interests, worshipped myself and our kids, was kind, sweet, loving, even emotional about us. Now he has turned into this selfish cowardly alien human. Our S8 told me lastnight that he wants to hurt daddy for hurting me like this because he doesn't like to see me sad. These are the types of things I am dealing with right now with S8. D5 just spends nights crying and they are booth sleeping with me everynight now and talking with the counselor at school almost daily. Hell, they are both obsessing over our move which I promised them we wouldn't do until the end of this school year. Their father has put them through enough hell right now that I need to do whatever I can to reassure them that WE will survive as a family unit of 3 no longer 4 and that I will never hurt them, that I am their security and here for them regardless. When I see them hurt and hear they are distracted in school and see the anger in S8 and the tears from D5 I begin to feel hatred towards H. This anger is so consuming me right now. I got an appointment with a counselr that came highly rec. for this Thurs. and I will be addressing with her my anger issues and developing ways to control them and let go. Will keep you posted.

Monkeybug,
That's the million dollar question? When is it time to throw in the towel? I guess only you can decide that. I don't think I have really even gone through the anger stage yet and my H left in 9/07. I get angry but it doesn't last and I go back to falling apart. I have continued to do the same things you did up until a couple of days ago and believe me keeping my mouth shut has been the hardest thing to do yet. But all along my C and my H were telling me I am just pushing him farther away. But in my head I couldn't understand that because I just wanted to work on our marriage. But all those things we say to them about the kids, the OW, and this point they don't want to hear it. It is all the responsibilty they don't want to know about. I don't really get it still but I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I still love my H and remain true to my vows. My kids are suffering, grades have dropped, and they have become unmotivated about anything, so I am willing to try anything because I believe marriage should be forever unless there is an abusive situation. But then again there is emotional abuse too, so I don't know I guess it depends what is in your heart. Everyone story is different yet the same. It is so hard--but I agree with Ellis if you want to save your marriage then don't make threats about OW and don't keep nagging him about it because you will just push him further into her arms.

Hi mmbug - I know the anger - I fight with myself thinking do I even want this person bck if he came back. He is not the man I married. My H was kind and loved his little girl. Now he is a selfsih jerk. I am still having days where I feel so angry at him I feel like tracking him down and slapping him in the face. He put me and my D through hell and we are still there. Her whole life is changed and if we get div it will be forever changed. He has changed who she is and who she will become. He only thought of himself bec he never once came to me to work on the M. And I know my H turned into a coward as well - get this - he ended our 20 yrs together over the phone while I was on vacation with my sister - coward. Then when I saw him in person he ws very angry and cruel - blamed me he hd and affair -said it was all me. They have no idea what this does to the kids. They are in their own selfish world. I am also in a situation where we may have to sell our home in a few months. I have also promised my D not until the end of the school year. I will fight for that. So I do understand the rage and anger and hate. Im sure eveyone here has exp that anger. I hope the counselor will help you decide what you want to do and if you even want to try to work on your M or just let go. You may just need some time

Well what I now know is that healing yourself and allowing your partner to know you are aware of your part in the disintegration of the marriage is important. While yes, they are the ones that walked out, that was the only way they knew how to end the hurt and sorrow or the pain and anger. It was their attempt, a desperate one at that, to show us that we hadn't been paying attention long enough. We I believe as mother's we get so consumed with providing for our children and the household by making sure there are groceries and the bills get paid and the soccer games are gone to and the other million things that we forget about the needs of this little child trapped inside all of our grown male husbands that feels neglected and doesn't know how to express that. And while he has tried to express it in his own way we scoff at him and tell him things are fine and continue on the same path we were on not realizing that he is slowly drifting away until the shocking day comes when he says he's done and walks out. Well that is the only way they know how to get their point accross to us and DAMN does it work. Unfortunately by then we as the wives left behind have to develop the patience of Joab and make changes in our lives so that this husband we have sees that the grass isn't greener away and that we are exactly who he needs us to be because we have taken time to find inner peace and make even small changes to how we interact with him and address his concerns. While we are all angry and yes, we have accused of affairs whether there is proof or not and do have to accept that there is when we know there is one, and we want to yell and scream and be nasty and probably have. I believe if we can get to a point fairly early in the departure of the mate to vow to ourselves to stop the hatred and anger we spew at him and treat him with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and respect and let him know we forgive then we have made a HUGE stride in rebuilding the bridge we picked away at in those first few days or weeks when all we did was call him nasty names and tell him we hate him and how dare you do this to our kids and all the other guilt ridden words we throw at them trying to make them realize what asses they were for running and how cowardly we see them as for doing it. When we do those things all we are doing is solidifying in his mind that being away was the right decision and wow am I glad to be rid of that bitch why didn't I do it sooner.

Good books I have gotten and read in the last week are:

Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy both by Michele
Men In Midlife Crisis and When a Mate Wants Out both by Jim Conway

All 4 books, especially in my opinion the 2 by Jim Conway give great insight as to why our husbands do these things and what we can do to break the cycle in us that helped lead them to this depserate act of running away thinking that would heal the wounds and solve the problems.

Geez Monkeybug good for you! Can you send some of your new found enthusiasm my way? I have to go get those books by Conway. Glad to see you are in better spirits

Well why I can't say I am 100% ok and moving on, because I do need him back and miss him dearly, I have realized that the more I push for answers and the more I question about the OW and whether it is sexual or just emotional the more he gets tense and shuts down. I don't want him to shut down, I need him to talk with me and to me so I have to respect his desire for that privacy right now although it is hard since we never kept secrets from each before all this(so I always thought anyway).

I still hold out hope that he will realize he wants and needs to back in this family and comes home. Yes it may take weeks or months but as of this instant in time I am willing to wait it out like a BAD storm and hope it passes.

Really those 2 Jim Conway books are superb. They offer so much insight into Male MLC and what is going on in their heads when they walk out and if they develop an OW.

Keep your chin up and start reading and healing. I know I am struggling every day to do just that but HAVE to for myself, him, and the kids sake and pray this dark abyss he is in will soon begin to fill with light and he will head home.

Wow monkeybug - your words have inspired me - thankyou. It sounds like you are really trying to understand your H instead of judging - and that is what I fight with everyday. I guess it all boils down to patience and understanding and keeping your eye on the prize in the long run - another chance at our marriages.