Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Question about MLC and MLC'ers desire to help

steelersfan-

I found your posts in another section from when your H came home the one time and you seemed to do so well with it all. Can I ask you a question?

How have you been able to hold on to hope for so long? If he is nice as can be since 2/07 why hasn't he moved home or reconciled with you? Have the 2 of you been intimate? Is your relationship right now just like a superb friendship and seems as though that is all it will ever be at this point? Sorry, I guess that was more than A question...lol. Hope you don't mind me asking them all?

It helps to hear stories from others since I am only 3 weeks into my entire ordeal. My H seems to be going into a withdraw stage this past week. He has gotten rather quiet as far as cell phone activity goes, yes I check everyday online at verizon. And he just doesn't sound the same when he is on the phone with the kids. I can only hope he is now realizing that being gone these 3 weeks isn't necessarily where he wants to be and is dealing with how to come home...yes I am forever hopeful and romantic.

I had ordered and already read 2 GREAT books by Jim Conway that has helped me tremendously get an understanding of Male MLC. They are called When a Mate Wants Out & Understanding Male MLC. He says men go through 5 stages of MLC not unlike the 5 stages of loosing someone to death and reading it that way makes sense. Withdrawal is one of the stages so that is why I am holding out hope even though I have had friends suggest that this OW whether just emotional or sexual too is easier for him to access now that he has removed himself from our home or he has gotten a second cell phone for just using with her. Crushing but I look at what I see not what others are assuming and suggesting. I can't make myself miserable wondering if what they are suggesting is true or not.

Your wisdom in this situation and my dire time of need is greatly appreciated. I have had a SAD day today for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I think it has a lot to do with PMS also which makes me feel so much worse. I cried until there were truely no more tears for the first 4 days and then not again until today. Damn PMS!!!!

Damn, I long to be held by him again and kissed by him again.

Let me try to answer your questions.

I have held on so long because I know what he is doing will not last forever and this is so unlike him.

I have relied on faith in God, forgiving him, and lots of patience which is something I did not learn overnight. It takes a long time.

I cannot answer as to why he has not moved home. THe kids have asked him but he says he does not know and to keep praying about it.

I do not doubt he will move back home but it has to be when he is ready and feels right in doing so.

There were lots of circumstances surrounding the first time he came home which I will not get into on your thread but it really was not the right time for him.

I know he still loves me but right now is not the right time to think about intimacy because he is not ready for that yet. He is still with other woman, too.

I adjust, the kids have adjusted, and H and I have been communicating quite a bit lately but there will always be some bumps in the road.

You are in the very beginning stages of this so don't push your H at all and don't ask too many questions either. They hate that.

Thanks for the advice. I am trying so hard not to ask questions. It is very hard since we had always been open and communcated well before. It really is as if one morning he woke up and someone else was living in his head, SATAN maybe, telling him how to act and what to say. He completely changed almost overnight. He insists the OW is just a friend but refuses to give me her name so I of course accused him of protecting her and that of course meant she wasn't just a friend and yes he was rather angry about that and told me I will believe what I want to believe. I even suggested that had he taken at least half the amount of time he was texting with her and used it to communicate with me instead we wouldn't be here right now and his reply was, "but maybe we would be!!!"

I suggested to him that he was experiencing a MLC and seemed very depressed and his remark was that he was fine and that he didn't need some shrink to give him happy pills so he would come home.

His family which as you can imagine after being together 19 years is close with me and his own brother and sister can't believe what he has done. His parents on the other hand haven't spoken with me and that hurts because all I can think of is that they assume I am some horrible *itch that ruined their son. Yes, I am just assuming but my sil did say that she and the parents are really trying to just stay neutral since this is our business and they don't want to appear to anyone to be taking sides. It feels like the whole world has crapped on me and thrown me to the curb.

I am seeing a therapist now and so far so good. She agrees that after hearing all about our relationship and marriage that while we have had problems as any married couple do with financial choices that have been poor and the like that we still have hope to work through this.

When I ask him about getting together to work on the parenting agreement or ask him if he wants to start legal seperation he dodges the subjects which I read as him not really being ready to end things as he swears he is. I gave him the option to file for divorce on grounds of adultery and be granted an instant divorce in our state and he dodged that too. He wants out but then acts like he doesn't. He is so lost and confused and hurting. I wish I could just pull him close and tell him we will make it all OK if he comes home but given how he has been acting that wouls not be wise.

Patience is something I am learning everyday to develop.

I am sorry your in-laws are not there to comfort you.

My in-laws are very supportive of me and the kids. As a matter of fact, H is not welcome into their home until he quits what he is doing. FIL even wrote H a letter and told him he was disinherited--yep-H went a little crazy over that one.

Your H is not ready for parenting agreements, etc.

I would not push this as it comes off as controlling on your part.

Do not even suggest he might be in MLC as that angers them as well.

mb, sorry you are here, but welcome.

I agree with many of the above comments, mostly the strike while the guilt is fresh perspective.

I drew up a budget for the current household and a separate one for what I estimated my Hs expenses would be, plus a very simple separation agreement (it's for the next two years, I'm not sure he noticed that when he signed) that says the kids will live with me, our financial arrangments will remain as they are (his cheque going into the joint account, I have already set up a separate account and my pay goes into that - he doesn't know about that), that I will pay the bills for the main household and transfer a prearranged amount of money into Hs separate account twice a month for his bills.

I know he was surprised when he saw how much money it will take to keep two households going at our current standard - there's going to be a lot of cutting back if he moves out.

We have already agreed that he can see the kids as often as he wishes, but I included in the agreement that he must let me know ahead of time if he's coming over. He asked if he could come for dinner every night (to keep the grocery expenses down - considerate, hey?). I said we could do that for a little while, during the transition period, but after that, it would be sending a false message to the kids. He accepted it, but looked very sad.

That may be a boundary you can use around the bedtime thing.

Hello Mymonkeybug, Steelersfan,

For what it's worth, WAW's family has all "abandoned" her (her words). They all "love me" (her words again). Her aunt told her the first month she is having a mid life crisis, doh! Her brother has really given her a hard time, called her every applicable unpleasant name in the book (he's always been such a source of comfort and hope, not!) I've considered calling him to tell him to layoff, but I promised W I wouldn't talk to him and decided to honor my word and stay out of it.

In some ways I think their actions are counterproductive and have caused her to dig in her heels and be even more stubborn. How many people when attacked and told how wrong they are say, "You're right, I am being an unreasonble selfish jerk, throwing away everything and hurting those closest to me, damaging my children and not acting like my self. I'll stop right now"? Uh, none?

There is a silver lining to this cloud of her family's abandonment of her (her friends have also abandoned her and all she has are new "party" friends). I'm the only real family she has left. I'm the one she calls when something goes terribly wrong, she is stressed out, needs to vent to someone she knows will listen unconditionally, or needs help. One day she will wake up and see this. I have been considering NC to help her open her eyes. I'm really interested in this "dropping the rope" thing.

They know the damage they're doing. W took OM to family's Thanksgiving dinner. Kids were there, told me it was really "boring, no one even talked during dinner." W broke down and cried in front of me as we worked out Christmas shuffle (kids). Said she didn't want to hurt anyone, asked if I hated her. They are aware of what they are doing whether their family points it out or not.

Even though her family is against what she is doing, none of them who live in the same town have called me for support or any other reason, either. Her brother used to but I avoided him for above reasons and he has since stopped. They are friendly and always speak when we run into one another around town. I've gotten angry once or twice about them no offering support but decided they don't know what to say to me or are trying to stay out of it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it can be easy to feel abandoned, wish they were there for you. They're probably dealing with this as best they can, just like us.

Wimps (just kidding)

More great info. from everyone. Thank you all. Yes I do believe it is hard for my FIL and MIL to come to me, they feel probably as if they are stuck in the middle with the desire to help but realize this is OUR issue that WE need to fix. I know they also don't want to betray their son so I get all that. I just have to get over the feeling like they are punishing me because I know they really aren't.

Oh how I just want my husband home again. This road will be an unbelievably hard one to travel but the end result of getting him back(if that happens)will be so worth it.

MMB, W8ing wrote



Truer words were never written.

My D lawyer said that if we had pushed through to the end of our first settlement conference, we would have most likely had a positive outcome. In his experience, "the guilt" of leaving will cause them to be reasonable. As it stands now, the next one will be an ugly nasty fight over every last issue.




She also hit the nail on the head here.

Taking care of the kids and yourself is paramount. The sooner you can make a division in your head as to the difference between wanting the marriage to work, and taking care of BUSINESS, (and it is simply that, business!) the better you will do.

Everyone here wants their marriages back.

We must also turn an eye to the financial situation of our family, lest we fail them.

If he is in MLC, then there is no QUICK fix to the M/R. It may be that reconciliation happens, but it WON'T be quick.

There is however a quick "broken" to our financial situation if we disregard that while obsessing over the M/R.

Reread W8ings post. Check out her early threads. It'll help.

Best,

Punk