My H was very conservative most of our marriage and looks at me as the spend thrift. However, I always handled all the money as it bored him and he felt he was no good at it. Now he has done a 180 and is (in his mind) making up for what he didn't do. He doesn't realize I always balanced our spending...never spent more than him..just bought different things.(like stuff for the home) Now he is spending just to spend. He is also rearranging things that make life way more complicated then they need to be.
He is trying to learn about the finances, but it is motived by fear and control rather than a desire to do a better job at it. My H and I run the same business, yet he now sees it as all his...little OW influence here. So far though he has not done anything too over the top, just annoying and time wasting. If you read my post, we are now in a place where money is the motivator behind his current actions. One of those things I really tried to resolve in our marriage.....
Breton, I can see the differnce in our H's $ situation now. Has your H gone broke before and come to you to expect $ to get by, or are you afraid he is going to do that this summer. If our H's go broke, it is thier own fault and I feel like it is all part of the MLC game. I am hoping if it happens, that maybe it will serve as a wake up call to them. I know my H would never come to me looking for money during this MLC, it would hurt his ego too much. I feel like they know they should be working and making money in honest ways, but they just can't handle the thought of actually bettering themselves or getting educated while in this crisis. TIPPER
No, Tipper, H has been chronically underemployed. He could live on what he makes but with my income, H had a nice lifestyle and now? Not so much! He is going to have to cut back and I have not seen him do that.
Of course, that is my fault, too.
Means H should be making choices and H doesn't want to compromise. It is not "his fault" as his path does not pay well; however, he has not sought alternatives or chosen to build skills. The other option, of course, is to be OK with where you are and live modestly. But H just sat and complained about how hard life is on him and how unfair everything is. Didn't want to build skills but did want the $.
The message I get is "I want you to be responsible so I don't have to be."
I'm done with being responsible and I am spending irresponsibly!
(Well, not really, but I have certainly been able to lighten up in a big way!!)
That said, if we D, I will downsize my life substantially. House is too big and difficult to keep up by myself.
I believe H has noticed & is probably resentful, but hey, I worked my @ss off to build my career while he did exactly what he wanted to do.
No men posting about their wives here????
Last edited by breton39; 01/06/0809:19 PM.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Breton, Yeah, I can understand and relate to you. My H was the same while with me. He constantly complained about how hard it is to have a small business. Then he complained that its all new york states fault. Then it was pointing the fingers at his parents for not helping to send him to college, that also was when he told me I was spoiled since my parents helped me with 2 of my 4 yrs in college. Then he complained forever about what he wanted to become next-constantly switching ideas around in his head. Now he is complaining again while starting off his next new business, he is saying that everyone wants to and expects to see him fail and he feels he will prove them all wrong. No one wants him to fail, and many are very happy that he is finally getting out of his constuction business that he obviously hated so much. Complain Complain Complain, and he Points fingers all the time. I wish he would just wake up, it is so frustating. TIPPER
I handled it by divorcing my now-ex-wife -- and I don't mean to be cavalier.
Let me explain. I worked full time, put $ in the 401 K, the kid's college fund, paid the mortgage, etc. Wife worked part time as a nurse.
She came home, dropped the bomb, said she was moving out. At one time she offered to just separate, but she wanted to explore this R with the OM who lives 350 miles away. Thank you, no.
We worked out a deal where I have legal custody of our three girls and retained the marital home. What was devastating to me at the time was just how easily she signed legal custody of her children away to me.
I paid ex a chunk of cash as part of the settlement. As long as ex lives in same school district she is entitled to have the girls roughly 50% of the time. If she were to move away to move in with OM, I would seek child support.
Ex is now working 60+ hours a week to make ends meet and scrambling to pay her mortgage and other debt she racked up. She hooks up with OM every other week or so. It's really pathetic.
Just this last week she asked me to help with her portion of the youngest D's preschool payment. I suggested she seek support elsewhere. Please note I'm not DB-ing or trying to bring her back into our M.
At some level there is satisfaction --- of course. She made a series of poor life choices and has made the last two years much more difficult than they need to be.
Watching my ex is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
However, I've found that satisfaction over her current situation is a reflection of my anger and hurt. The more I've healed since she's moved out, the less my satisfaction level at her problems.
When the MLC is in their most manic, elated state, they feel they can walk on clouds and defy the simple laws of economics. The can do neither.
