Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

i am at my wit's end. i am sorry that this post is so long but i really help and support. i have posted this on other forums but need a response.

i am new to this site, first of all. i divorced over sexual issues 9 years ago (the ex chose porn over me and wanted to have a 3some and had an affair bc i wouldn't). i waited so long to find someone who didn't have these traits. i thought i found him bc he told me he wasn't that way at all. but on our wedding night, he 'accidentally' ordered a porn movie in our hotel room. i thought, oh God, don't let this happen again. then i found out that he was keeping in regular communication with an ex-lover. i was so mad. he wanted to let her stay at our house because she needed help. i said it was not apporpiate to do that. he said he was joking to make me shut up. but later, when he was tipsy, told me that she had asked if he would like to sleep with her again. i felt so betrayed and angry. but he told me he really didn't sleep with her to begin with. really.

our sl was never what i thought it would be, or what i wanted from the beginning. he said that he had had so much sex in his life that it didn't matter anymore. i was crushed. so i told him that crushed me. he made no response.

i tried all the tricks you hear about. i dressed up in something sexy. and you won't believe what he did! he called his ex-gf who was a stripper bc it reminded him of her AND i was standing right there with the outfit still on! once again, crushed. i just cried and went to work. he apologized for it but it still wounded me. he didn't even want me like that.

then, recently, he stated that we should go to a swinger convention. i lost it. i cried like i had lost my child. i said that it was so disrespectful of me as his wife especially since he knew that i had divorced one man over the same thing. i asked him if i had made a mistake, a horrible mistake. was he going to be just like my ex? he said he was only joking so that i would shut up. but, once again, crushed. but this time the injury was worse. he apologized. then he just left it to me to get over it.

he is someone who doesn't want our relationship to be like the others that failed. but sex doesn't matter to him at all. and he won't even ml on special occasions, like birthdays, anniversaries, and new years (most recently). i realize that i am hd compared to him. but he won't compromise at all. he just says no. just like that. no. then he says that if i ask again i will make him mad. if i leave him alone about it, he doesn't want to for a month at a time. during which time i feel so bad.

i am trying not to pull away emotionally from him but it is hard. my heart is hurting and doesn't want to hurt anymore. he says he is attracted to me. and i am very attractive. he fell in love with me bc i am so passionate about everything. and passionate about love. how can my passion and happiness continue with him treating me like i don't matter (in this area)?

i asked last night for him to just hold me and he put a pillow between us and but his hand on my shoulder. then i asked if he would hold me without anything between us (i didn't want sex) and he said he was comfortable like he was (his main goal always is his own comfort). i finally asked enough that he got a little mad but moved the pillow... but left the dog between us. i had to move the dog. then he just laid on his back and put his arm under me. he stil didn't hold me. all i wanted was to be held!!!! i can't tell you how crushed i am and i can't talk to anyone.

when we dated, he would kiss me for an hour. i have asked for him to kiss me for one minute (literally) and he said no, that it was gross. i feel that he finds ME gross. my body. everything. why didn't he tell me all of this before we got married? i would have thought harder about the decision!

i feel doomed. i love him so much and he loves me. other than this, our life is so great. he tells me i am beautiful, he tells me he loves me, every day. several times a day. but i feel disconnected and unimportant bc he doesn't care about something that is important to me. am i doomed to live a life where i feel that i can't even flirt with my own husband bc he says it is gross????

i would LOVE any advice you may have. please help me here. i need it so much!

Tell him you won't stay in a marriage lacking sex and physical affection. OTOH don't say it if you really want to stay because of the words of affirmation he gives you and financial support etc. Personally, I think that would be a lame deal for you. Lots of guys will give you all of the above.

I think you need to see a counselor. I see this situation as similar in some ways to Nwlywed's. I can tell there is real hurt there, and the story seems almost too incredible to believe, so there is something, and I have no idea what, that is being missed by you. Now don't confuse that with "you're doing something wrong". I'm not saying that. I just think if you can share with someone experienced in marital relationships, they should be able to give you more guidance.

Maybe I missed it, but how long have you been together?

Good luck, keep sharing, it will give everyone more insight.

we've only been together for 2 years. but during the time that we were dating, we lived next door to one another (practically). so we saw each other every single day.

we fell in love and it kind of surprised us both. neither of us had expected to fall in love again. then he lost his job. oh, God, this was the part i don't like. we had wanted to get married anyway, but he lost his job and we got married sooner rather than later bc of that situation. then he got depressed. all the while i am supporting a family of 4 on a small income.

then my situation changed. i graduated and got a good job. he still was trying to find one. 5 months after we got married, he got a job. one that he likes. so, while he was jobless, i thought the no sex thing was bc of that. and he said, when i get a job it will change. but it didn't. then it was bc he worked so hard and he is tired, he is sleepy. essentially that it wasn't worth putting that much effort into it (his words, not mine).

and he knows something is wrong with me. i just talked to him on the phone and for the millionth time this year, he asked me what is wrong. i tried to not answer but he gets pissy when i don't answer. he asked if it was bc he doesn't treat me like a gf any more and that i am not his gf anymore i am his w and he loves me more than he did when i was just a gf. and i admit, part of my recent feelings have been brought on by seeing other couples where the man is paying such close attn to his w, and on top of that, we saw a man get on his knees in front of a large crowd as the clock struck midnight on new years. i cried at how sweet it was. no one ever proposed to me like that.

anyway, back to the phone conversation, i told him in the kindest way possible. that i love him completely and want to be with him until i die (very much the truth). i also believe he loves me totally. but i want to feel wanted (not just needed to work two jobs, cook, clean,and help the kids with their homework) i want to feel pursued and desired and important. last night when he wouldn't hold me, i felt unimportant.

his answer was 'you know that i love you and you are important to me. and that i am in love with you. i tell you all the time. and i give you kisses and hug you (he does but they are not 'in love' hugs). so why should i have to do all that?'

in essence, i do know that he loves me. he said he just doesn't feel lovey-dovey right now. and he places it all on me. and tells me that he is going to get mad and things are going to go down hill if i withdraw. then he said that now he isn't going to make any jokes about what we will be like when we are old and still together bc he doesn't know that it will be true. that HURT. and i said so.

maybe i am missing something. i still don't know what to do, though.

What you are missing is this. Your husband has deep, personal issues that have nothing to do with you. He is disrespectful to you and not available for a R let alone a marital R. If you haven't been married long then I wouldn't take the counseling route. If you have then I guess give it a go. I am suspicious of a guy who won't ML with you but makes a big to do about ex gf's and strippers and such. That is just my gut talking.

How long have you known him? How long have you been married? How long were you D before you met?

Karen

known him 2 y. married 1y. i was D for 9 years b4 this R. and my gut doesn't say anything about the stipper/ex-thing. i mean, don't get me wrong, it hurt and i was very angry and i let him know it. but he really doesn't make a big deal about it. it happened, he apologized, he hasn't done it again. and i guess that is why i am here. he hasn't done it again.

he just honestly does not seem interested in ML. not now. maybe not ever. i guess i should just be happy with what i have and not worry about what i don't. i vowed to be with him forever, and i mean my vows. my vows didn't say, i promise to be with you only if you are emotionally and physically available to me. they said in sickness and in health.

it also seems that part of him expects me to leave and maybe he is just trying to give me a reason so that i will prove him right. idk. still at a loss. especially as to why it is always turned around on me. i have to deal with it, not we will work on it.

The one thing I noticed over & over again was him saying something to "shut you up." What is it that he is trying to shut up over & over again? I don't get that.

I also don't understand how you could have known him for a year and then bam on your wedding night, he's all of a sudden "accidentally" ordering a porn movie. All of the things you have talked about him doing seem so bizarre and *not quite normal* to me and it just seems odd that he didn't act like this before.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not *blaming* you for not seeing something before marrying him or anything, I just don't think, FROM WHAT YOU HAVE DESCRIBED HERE, that he is quite "right."

he doesn't like to hear emotional things. so when things get emotional, he says anything to avoid the conversation. and make me quit talking. hence the shutting me up.

and we had talked about porn issues, etc, while we were dating. i asked all those questions. and it was bam on the wedding night. he had said before that porn didn't do anything for him and he didn't like it. he admitted he had seen some (who hasn't?) but that he didn't care for it. on the wedding night, he did say it was an accident, but of course i didn't/don't believe that.

he is a person who keeps his feelings to himself. totally.

and of course, i am laying the problem out on the table and not the man. he has so many great qualities that any woman would want. he is very attractive, a good dad, loves kids and animals, tells you how beautiful you are, notices when you have changed your hair or brought a new dress, etc. but i can't put all that in there too.

bottom line is i want to be with him forever. i really do. every cell in my body does. but i am frustrated on this one subject and am looking for solutions.

I understand all that, but *most* men don't bring up swinger conventions, call their ex-girlfriend who is a stripper while their wife is standing there trying to be sexy for him, tell his wife that kissing her other than a peck is "gross" and won't even move the dog from between you when you are asking him to hold you. I don't get it at all. He might be a wonderful guy in some ways, but that just all doesn't sound normal to me.

I'm going to be the first to throw it out there & say that I would be very suspicious that he's having some sort of affair.

i agree with you rhw. it doesn't seem normal. i don't believe he is having an affair. he is home all the time, except when he goes to work. at work, i know he is there bc i see his check stubs and his company doesn't play with the time thing.

i know he is depressed and he has seen a dr abt that. they gave him a med but that really only made a difference in that he didn't cry at sad commercials anymore. but he doesn't see a counselor to try to work out the issues that brought him to the dr in the 1st place.

i think we let the sitch get out of hand and we got married sooner than we should have. but i can't change that. i just need to know what to do now.

do i just play his game and say no now too? do i just live here more like a roommate and less like a w? i know it isn't normal. if you love someone, you actually sacrifice to give them what they want, just bc you love them. that's what i do. i am just so confused.