Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New guy, hurting and needing direction

Not sure how this all works, but started reading the divorce remedy, found the web site and read a few posting. And here I am.
The bottom line is I caught my wife cheating and I know the guy, he is my neighbor. When I first found out I was very angry, confused all of the above, I asked her why why why. She said she did not know and did not want to talk about it. I asked her to stop seeing him until we figured out what we needed to do we have 2 kids they deserve a change. I confronted him on the next morning to leave my family alone. I called for an imediate counsuling session with out church marriage counsolor (emergency session). He talked to the both of us and then ask me to leave the room. They spoke for more than 30/40 minutes and then let me back in. Counselor said that maybe the best thing right now is that we should separate for a while to gather our thoughts, so that we don't hurt the kids by arguing. I am staying at a friends, but it doesn't seem right. our second consuling session, I broke down and said to W that I would forgive her. She did not have any remorse, no comfort, nothing. They both said you have to fix john. She is going to the sessions, but is not giving me any hope. The counselor is telling me to give her time to decide what every she is going to decide about our marriage.

I want to give her time, but she is still contacting the OM. She is in that fog that you guys talk about (17yrs of marriage and 20 yrs together should count for something). And why does she get hold all of the cards?????

So here is my question????I neet to know my next step without killing the marriage or maybe going there. I want to tell her that she needs to stop contacting the OM and to start working on our marriage and to be remorseful/hopefull for me. She's caught up in that fog. What can I do? Should I give her the ultimatum????? your family or the OM. and if so and she picks the OM, should she leave the house or what. What about finances, the kids, she's blind (Foggy) right not. I'm lost and confused. I feel liking blowing it wide open and telling the world she wronged us our Family. and I want to tell the om's wife that he is a cheater and is ruining our marriage.

Please help with any advise on options moving forward. dazed & hurt

Dazed... first of all, take a deep breathe. I remember the first day after I found out about OM, horrible.

Second, know that your emotions are crazy right now. You need to slow down, I know you are in panic mode right now but panicing is not going to help you.

DO NOT give an ultimatum, you need to begin detaching immediately. Start focusing on yourself (easier said than done). There is nothing you can do to convince your wife that what she is doing is wrong. Affairs are very similiar to drug addiction, they both affect chemicals in the brain.

The best course of action is to start working on yourself, you are powerless over your wife. If she wants to see OM, she will find a way no matter how much it hurts you. The only person you can control is you, start there. You are a man, do not let this turn you back into a powerless child. YOU WILL surive this, you just have to weather the storm.

Also, make an appointment to see your doctor. Have him prescribe anti-depressants, they really work but take about 4 weeks to kick in.

We're here for you, hang in there and keep reading Divorce Remedy.

H4C

Sorry you're here but it's a good place to get advice. If you've been reading posts you probably already know that there is nothing you can do to convince her to stop seeing the OM. It's sad but true. This is something she feels she needs to do and regardless of the amount of time spent in your marriage/relationship there will be no remorse, not now anyway.

Blowing the lid off of the affair does not always work out the way you expect. OM may not care if his W, or the world, knows. In the end this could very well push your W and OM together.

I don't recommend leaving the house. If she wants out, she should leave. I can't provide any legal advice of course so you should speak with an attorney just to understand your rights and to get an idea of what MIGHT be needed in the future.

You really do have to work on yourself because in the end, no matter what happens, you have to be happy with YOU. Do it for you and do it for your kids. NOT for your wife.

H4C and Ohio_Mark both have a great handle on things you should do to help you through this. I saw a post from Mark yesterday (see link below) that I think will help (roles are reversed but the message still applies).

(Mark, I'll send you royalties for the use of your work...)

Advice from Ohio_Mark

Thanks to both of you guys for the quick response, so your saying I need to just let go for now?????? and move on.

Thats correct Dazed. Let go of trying to control her, focus on yourself (get into church, join a mens group, get counseling, get in the gym, sign up for a mens basketball team, spend time with your kids, go jogging, read a book).

Also, think about how you have changed since you first met your wife. What about you did she find attractive? How have you changed since then? What can you do to be the guy she first fell in love with?

H4C

Do I just act like nothing happened? What do I tell my friend and extended family? What if it gets to the next level, she wants out they get legal advise?

Thanks so much, there are good people in the world

Hello,

Believe me when I say we all have been there and are so sorry you have to go through this. Please, please, please read some of the other posts - from their beginnings to see how all of us have evolved.

Unfortunately this will take time and you need first to learn PATIENCE. Your M did not fall apart overnight and it will take MONTHS to get it on the right track.

I agree with M Mc C - she should be the one to go not you. It may be hard for you to get back into the home at a later date.

I would think twice about telling your friends/family - I told to many people and this almost prevented my H from coming back. They use this as a reason to not come back - it adds to their guilt and shame.

Share with a trusted friend of YOURS.

You may want to tell the OM's W - but I would wait.

Your wife and OM are like teenagers right now and the more you try to keep them apart the more they HAVE to be together. You cannot control them - you can only control you, your emotions and your reactions. You can set boundaries with the W asking her not to talk/text/email OM when you are around or around your kids...but she may not even respect this.

I did everything wrong at first - crying begging pleading and this just pushed H further away. We too had been married over 15 yrs together 18 - two kids, we were best friends -telling your W this will not help --the problem is none of that matters to her right now she is in her fantasy lala land. She has to want to come back to YOU and that is where taking care of you and making yourself more attractive comes into play.

Don't worry about the next level - my H threatened D for well over a year and now we are finally on the road to healing - this took well over 18 mos - so you really need to just breathe and slow down....

You have come to a great place - there are so many awesome people out here. I suggest just reading from the beginning of each of our situations...learn from others mistakes...

Take care of YOU!

HB

Act like you are going to survive with or without her (because its true). Dont kiss her ass, just be nice. Tell your friends and family what your comfortable telling them, perhaps say you are having problems?

If she wants out, she'll get out. Nothing you can do about that. When my W first left, she filed for divorce. After a few months of lawyers and paperwork, she decided she missed us and dropped the case.

You have just onboarded a roller coaster, expect ups and downs. Keep yourself calm, your actions will be a determining factor in how this all plays out. There will be days when you are overcome with grief and/or rage, expect them.

I know you feel like your world has just come crashing down, I remember the dispair I felt (I even contemplated suicide) but I could never do that to my daughter.

Trust me, you will survive this and smile once again, I promise you.

Keep yourself busy.

H4C

Welcome.

I love to see the men on this board supporting other men.....

Sorry you have to be here, but if you post/update/post on other threads, it will be enormously helpful for you.

I would hold off on telling family and friends/OM's wife. You can always tuck that away for the future. What did you tell people when you left the house? Pick one friend you can trust, keep them updated, and use them for support. They will feel honored you trusted them.

I would go home. Your kids need you, you need your kids. Give your W space at home.



This is very very normal. She feels it, but she won't show it.

I am so very sorry for your pain.

Dazed,

This is a shock.

You are getting great advice.

I think your counselor only gave you one decent bit of advice -- work on you yourself.

The advice for you to move out was foolish. Legally you are abandoning the family, and if this gets ugly you'll have a tough tough getting back into your kids lives. You shouldn't move out because she is cheating, especially if you have kids. They need a strong decent, moral father at home.

Running, begging, trying to "save the marriage" and flailing and being afraid will only push her closer to him.



They never do at this stage. She's captive to endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline. When she's with him, she's on a high. It's a biochemical state of the early stages of being in love. She's also probably very numb to you and your marriage. When she's with you, she feels miserable.



Yes, she's in a fog. She doesn't, however, hold all the cards. Only you can give over your power to her. Move back in. It's your home, too. Moving out means you are living in reaction to your wife. You are allowing yourself to become a footnote in her story. Start some hobbies. Take control back of your life. Start excericing.



Well you can do that. It's an ultimatum. It's brave and true and clear. At this stage, it might be stupid. She'll probably choose OM. Remember, pressuring her and forcing her hand RIGHT NOW makes you look angry, weak and desperate.

You can choose one of two courses: Divorce Busting, which is to detach, get sanity, and become attractive to your spouse again. Or...high impact ultimatums and blowouts. The second option involes an ultimatum and exposing the affair to the OM's wife.

If you choose option two, you still might want to take a few weeks to back off, release the pressure, and give her space.



Your biggest enemy is fear. Next to that is Anger

My suggestions:

1. Don't panic. Take a deep breath. This is not solved overnight. Sometimes it takes months, even years to fix this or come to some resolution.

2. Move back in.

3. Talk to a lawyer/just to get information.

4. Give yourself 3 weeks to NOT talk about the affair or the relationship, only if she brings it up. It's OK to do so in counseling. Don't use the counseling sessions as an venue to be mad at her or persuade her to work on the marriage. Let the counselor lead.

5. Give her space, stop pursuing her.

6. Take care of yourself. Start excercizing take up one or two new hobbies to allow your mind to rest from the stress and craziness.

Once you gain your composure and self-confidence you'll make clearer decisions.

7. You don't want to hear this, but the reason your wife is cheating is that your marriage is clearly lacking something. But since you can only work on yourself, view this as a wake up call for your life.

Good luck.

Theoden